Suddenly, I realized something terrifying.They died thinking the absolute worst of me.
“Nova, seriously, what’s wrong?” Az asked, cutting into my thoughts. Looking up, I saw he was staring at me, a bit of sauce left on the corner of his mouth.
Laughing, I wiped my eyes, feeling the tears I hadn’t realized were falling. “Nothing, just baffled that a man raised in a castle is sitting across from me with sauce on his mouth.”
Tilting his head, he flicked out his tongue, licking his upper lip. I chuckled again, grabbing my napkin and leaning over the table, wiping it off for him. He held my gaze as I did, grey eyes pleading and wide. When I sighed and pulled away, his hand darted out, gripping my wrist and holding me hostage there.
“Tell me what’s wrong.”
“I just…I miss my family. They’ll never see what I’ve become. They’ll never see me atone for everything I put them through and all that I sacrificed in my selfishness.”
Azazel grew quiet, his fingers loosening on my wrist. I wondered if I was becoming annoying. No one else had been a fan of my one-track mind. It was repetitive and exhausting, I knew that. Yet, I felt like I needed to tug him towards me, beg him to understand why I was the way I was.
Before I could do something stupid like apologize, Az stood, walking around the table and falling to his knees beside mychair. Stunned, I watched as he placed his hands on my knees, staring up at me with glassy eyes.
“Nova, they loved you. Neither—I meannoneof them died thinking you were unworthy of that love. Maybe it was hard for them to feel as if you were on a path they couldn’t follow, but I highly doubt they were ever even remotely disappointed in you. You have nothing to redeem. Loving them and wanting them tolivewasn’t selfish. You gave everything. Risked everything. Fought everything. Atonement isn’t needed.”
“You weren’t there the night they died. They all looked so angry—like they didn’t even know who I was anymore. I swear, they hated me in that moment. They died hating me, and I’ll never be able to make it up to them.”
Az pulled me down by my neck, forcing my forehead to press into his. “No, Nova. No. They loved you. I’ve never seen a family as happy and loving as yours.”
I felt myself snap, the emotions so heavy that all I could do was let myself break. My body shook, muscles too weak to fight him off when he tugged me down into his lap. Instead, I cuddled against him, breathing in the smoke and vanilla scent that clung to his clothes as tears streamed down my cheeks.
When his lips pressed into my hair, I lost it, the quiet cries turning into hysterical sobs. He didn’t seem to mind. Every hiccup only had him holding me tighter, until I felt like I was wrapped in his…hislove.
And though I knew it was wrong, I accepted it. I soaked it in and consumed it all. He picked me up eventually, taking me to the bed and covering us with the quilts. I lay against him, crying and crying and endlessly fucking crying. All Az did was stroke my hair and rub my back, not speaking or soothing, just there—present. Something far better than fake apologies or faux reassurances. His heat slowed my cries, his heartbeat regulating mine.
“How about a bath?” he asked when my sobs turned to short gasps.
“Yes, please.” Nodding, he sat up, lifting me again like it was nothing. He carried me all the way to the bathroom, setting me down gently. When he summoned the water, he faced me, his cheeks pink.
“Can I help you undress? No funny business, I swear.”
Smiling ever so slightly, I nodded. He pulled off my clothes slowly, his touch delicate, soothing my skin. When I was bare, he didn’t allow his gaze to stray lower than my face. His eyes were hollow and dark, the inner corners of his brows raised and pulled together. He looked tired.
“Will you come in too? No funny business, I swear.” His laugh was deep and rough, his head falling back for a moment. Then, as if suddenly fully aware of what I said, he nodded, clearing his throat. I reached forward, grabbing the hem of his shirt. “Can I?”
“Always.”
I pulled his shirt off first, needing his help getting it off his head where I couldn’t reach. Then I unbuttoned his trousers, tugging them down. He was better than me, because I did look at the noticeable bulge beneath his cotton undergarments, a lump forming in my throat as I freed him from them. Looking up at him, I saw that it wasn’t only painful for me. His entire face was tense, his jaw ticking as his hand threaded in my hair.
“Nova, no funny business,” he groaned. I nodded, standing back up, my arms wrapping around his torso as if they belonged there. He followed my lead, hugging me so tightly it hurt. But I didn’t care. It felt nice to be loved that much.
We got in the bath, the hot water burning in the best way. He pulled my back to his chest, humming Celeste’s song again as he slid his fingers across my skin. And though he swore not to be physical with me until I talked about my feelings, Az didthe most intimate thing he could have: he helped put me back together.
While I’d never admit it, I knew then that I loved Azazel Altair too.
***
“I almost forgot, I got you something!” Az said the next morning after rebel training. Day two was much harder than day one. Maybe because I was sore, or perhaps because I was emotionally drained. Either way, I was wheezing by the time we got back to the cottage. My misery had me groaning at Azazel’s excitement. “Stop whining, you’re going to love it.”
Leaning into the counter, I stretched my back and calves, bending in half. Just as my bones began to crack, I felt something bump againstmy fucking ass,sending my hips forward.
“Did you justhumpme?” I asked, laughter spurting out of my mouth as I stood straight. Az smiled innocently, holding out my favorite crackers.
“Of course not,” he gasped out, shaking the bag in the air. “I was just grabbing you some crackers, you sexual deviant.”
“Liar!” I shoved his chest, trying to swipe the sack out of his hand. He lifted it higher, bringing his face down towards mine. Our lips nearly brushed, my laughter dying out.
