Az and I hadn’t spoken much after Desi left. We’d still decided to wash the dishes together like we always had, which felt somewhat normal at first. But then came washing the sheets.
We always washed everything in the tub with soap, similar to the wash bin I used growing up, though I caught Az doing it once without even touching the clothes. I’d called him lazy, reminding myself of Mama. Yet, when I moved to carry them to the bathroom where they were meant to be cleaned, he stepped in front of me, his arms crossed, muscles straining against the long, grey sleeves.
“What, pray tell, are you doing?”
“Washing them?” It came out as a sort of hummed question, confusion lacing my tone.
“Why?”
“Because they’re dirty.”
“Are you saying what we did was dirty?”
“In what world is itnotdirty?” I hadn’t meant it as if I was washing away what we did. It was just that…well, I’d made a fucking mess on them.
“A perfect one where youspeak,”he groaned, grabbing the sheets from my hands. I tried to wrestle them back, the two of us pulling hard enough to yank the other forward each time.
After a handful of back and forths, Azazel grew annoyed enough to actually try. He tugged so hard my entire body went flying forward, my chest smacking into his abdomen and my face hitting the pile.
As he always did, Az capitalized on the situation. His fingers wrapped around my hair, forcing my chin to tilt up. Our mouths were pressed together a second later, my mind muddled as I tasted him. His tongue was firm and curious in my mouth, his breath hot and minty with just a hint of smoke from a burner.
“Talk to me, Little Void,” he moaned into my mouth. I let go of the sheets, wrapping my arms around his neck, trying to hold him there. Sadly, he began to slow, his tongue moving in far less eager strokes. “Please.”
Sighing, I pulled away first. He was so persistent. Was that how people viewed me? If so, I wasannoying.
“Az, we can’t.”
“Okay, fine. We can’t. But if wecould,what would you want? Imagine that perfect world. One without magic or core families or rebellions.” I gasped, so surprised by his definition of a perfect world that I couldn’t argue. All I could do was listen intently. He dropped the sheets and released my hair, moving his hands to my face. His eyes were wide and earnest—pleading. “In that world, would you love me? Or even just like me? Would you see a future with me?”
Yes. I would.
The picture came into view as easily as a memory. Az and I meeting at a school of some sort. Him being a jerk, because thatwas just his default. Me studying constantly, because that was just my default. Us arguing and butting heads, because that was justourdefault.
We’d fall slowly, naturally. It’d start with a stolen, heated kiss on the back end of an argument neither of us would win. From there, we’d grow closer. Still fighting, because that was inevitable and veryus. We’d date and kiss and make love. We’d find shitty jobs and he’d give me a modest ring that I couldn’t stop looking at. We’d get married and build a small cottage to call home. We’d have a baby or two, but no more than that. And we’d happily grow old together, fighting and fucking and absolutely loving one another.
And it would never be real.
“We live inthisworld, Az. With cores and rebellions and magic. With pain and history and hatred. This is our reality. Here, in this cottage, yes, something else feels possible. Of course it does. This is a fairytale. A figment of our imaginations. The two of us spend hours here, getting to live comfortably while others fight for their lives. Everything feels possible to us simply because we’re in a bubble bound to pop.”
Azazel stood straight, his hands digging into his hair and his eyes closing. “Nova, I’d change this entire world if I could. I don’t think you even comprehend what I’d do for you. How much Iloveyou. If you did, you wouldn’t see us as impossible. You’d see us as inevitable.”
Unable to take it anymore, I bent down and grabbed the sheets again, heading for the bathroom. Was that a tear beading in my eye? What was wrong with me? I was losing my priorities, crying, and—what?—falling for Azazel Altair of all people? How the fuck did I let this happen?
“Nova, please.” I stopped in the doorway, squeezing my eyes closed. “Just…if we were there right now—in that perfect world, I mean—and I said I love you, what would you say?”
Taking a deep breath and readying for the pain of such an admission, I said, “That you’re worthy of all the love in the world, but I can’t give it to you.”
***
Morning training with the rebels was very different from what the elites and grunts did.
We began with stretching casually on our own, moving to sparring from there. Az and I hadn’t spoken much since we talked about a perfect world the night before, but he was quick to stand at my side as people began pairing up. Desi waived from her spot a few dozen feet away, the man at her side talking rapidly despite her clear lack of attention.
The woman leading the training wasn’t the commander, but she still held herself like a formidable leader. When she ordered us to begin, Az immediately started circling me. I readied myself trying to recall all we’d learned in academy.
Az swung, stopping his fist just in front of my face. “Come on, Nova,block.”
Nodding, I got in my stance, knees bent and ready to dodge. When he kicked out his leg, I blocked it with my forearms, twisting and swinging my elbow towards his gut. He caught my arm, wrapping his around my neck. But he didn’t squeeze or toss me or even try to do anything.
