“It seems you have lost this game, though the game of life is still yours to conquer,” he said. I lifted my head enough to watch as he placed his cards down, still not quite understanding what any of it meant.
“Yippee. Can I go read now?”
“Alas, that is not in the cards tonight.” He forced his lips to turn down, looking like an improperly drawn figure with an upside down smile.
“Fine, I’ll just bathe and go to bed.” Standing, I went to move around him, but he grabbed my wrist when I passed, stopping me.
“Okay, okay. I’ll stop. It’s just…can we talk about today?” Though his face was normally quite stern and sharp, there was something soft about it then. Sighing, I turned and sat back down, staring at him. “A lot happened.”
“Yes, we nearly got caught more than once and found out some pretty horrific things.”
“Exactly. I think talking through it will help.”
“Do you have a lot of experience talking through things?”
“Not really. I’d do it sometimes with my friends if we felt brave enough. But I mostly do it with you. I like it.” He was so sincere—his deep, raspy voice like an honest hum—that I couldn’t help but sag in defeat.
“You’re right, it helps. I guess I’m stressed out and scared about what the officials, grunts, and elites are doing in the eadi districts. It feels like everything has gotten ten times worse, and it’s all my fault.” Altair didn’t roll his eyes or argue, instead opting to nod and offer a pained grimace.
“Seeing their clothes and their homes and their fear made me feel like a monster. A deranged, psychopathic monster. I grewup with all the wealth I could ever ask for, and the only one who beat me was my father. I never feared for my life walking around in the Naqi District. Or even the Star District on the rare occasion I was allowed to go. But those eadi—thosepeople—spend every waking moment hoping it isn’t their last.”
A grim and lifeless aura hung in the air, dangling between us as if it might snatch us up if we got too close to the truth of reality.We were all monsters. Every last shaytan. Each of us who fed the system because it didn’t hurt us as badly.
“You know what I’ve come to realize since academy? No one benefits from the system. Not really. Have you won? Did having all of those things make your life better? Or were you beaten daily because the system suffocated you too? Stars know the shaytan don’t actually win. We’re forced into the military, then told to get a second job. We are seen as superior, so that means we must act it. Live it. We are secluded to one district and a handful of rules that mean we can’t be anything other than what they want us to be. And when the dust settles after our war with ourselves to be somehow starly, we’re left with the realization that the only thing we truly are is a monster. Because the eadi? They suffer more. Any piece of happiness can be stolen at any time. Things others take for granted like food and warmth andpeaceare luxuries the farther west you go. And no one cares. No one fights back.”
“The rebels do,” he muttered, sounding unconvinced.
“Do they?” I challenged. “They’ve sat here for years doing nothing but protesting and getting eadi killed for it. They’ve incited outrage that led only to more corruption.”
Shaking his head, he said, “Maitoza did that.”
“No, not just her. Every rebel. They’re just like the shaytan. They live their cozy lives here in safety, pitying the eadi but doing nothing of substance because the new system they wantto uplift benefits them in this moment. We’re selfish, unlearning creatures, Altair.”
We stared at one another, both hopelessly aware of the bleakness Dajahim offered, and all I could think was that we’d all be better off dead.
***
“I’m so glad to know you two made it safe and sound. How did the supply drops go? I was under the impression you’d come by last night to inform me.” Maitoza sat at the head of the table on the opposite end of Altair and I, her smile soft and her uniform pristine. Lacking blood or tears or anything a true rebel leader should have.
“We were tired,” Altair said, his hands woven together on the table across from me. He sat straight, his eyes keen. He wore an equally pristine outfit. The black trousers were wrinkle-free, his uncharacteristically beige sweater perfectly tailored, and his thick, black cloak gracefully hanging off his shoulders. I, on the other hand, wore baggy brown trousers and a too-big burgundy sweater I hid beneath a plain grey cloak. My hair was free and unbrushed, whereas Altair’s and Maitoza’s was immaculate. I seemed to play this game differently than they did.
“I can imagine. One of my spies mentioned they spotted you entering the second Alzalam District drop minutes before a group of officials arrived at the home. Is it right that the group was led by an elite and a handful of grunts?”
Clenching my teeth, I did my best not to react, tamping down my growing rage. She had a spy, but needed us to do the drop? Altair, who suddenly looked smug, answered, “Yes, but we handled it. The entirety of the mission went just as planned. Honestly, I’d say it was even easy.”
Maitoza didn’t miss a beat, her smile growing. “That’s excellent to hear!”
I watched as Altair’s cocky smirk faded, the toe of his boot tapping mine. Maitoza was much better at this game than we were.
“In fact, I was hoping that would be the case, because I have another mission for you.”
“No, absolutely not.” Altair stood, his chair toppling back behind him. “They’re looking for us, Maitoza. We can’t keep risking our lives like this. Do you even care if we live? Don’t you supposedly need our help when it’s time to fight? How does that work when you’re forcing us into dangerous and likely fatal situations?”
Standing too, I reached over the table, gripping his outstretched arm. He paused, looking at me. While I wasn’t exactly level-headed or calm most of the time, I was beginning to realize that when it came to the commander, I would always be more reasonable than Altair. Not that the woman down the table deserved reason.
“Let’s just listen. We don’t have to say yes.” Could he hear the defeat in my voice? Did he know I was about to break my promise to him I’d only just made the day prior?
“Fine,” he practically huffed out, bending down to pick up his chair and plopping back in it. I sat too, looking towards Commander Maitoza. Her smile had grown, eyes sparkling. It was almost like she enjoyed Altair’s rage and outbursts.
