I watched with detached disinterest as Priya, Quinn, and Cal lifted Talon’s body. It was odd, how stiff he was starting to become, his body not bending and flexing like one might imagine. Was that normal?
“Desi said a group of rebels patrolling the wards found you collapsed in the grass,” Az mumbled as Zura opened the door for the others. I didn’t respond. Not because I had nothing to say, but because I knew Az well enough to guess he was about to say something damning. “She said you were probably trying your best to get help.”
Grinding my teeth, I continued to stare ahead, unsure how to move forward. I’d known, even in that alleyway, that Az would hate me for not saving his best friend. No matter what Talon had done, they all still loved him, because that was their brother. My choice to save him for a final goodbye only to damn him after might have been even worse. So did I admit it now, or did I lie?
As if he could sense my irresolution, Azazel gripped the back of my blood-soaked cloak and tugged me into his chest, preventing me from leaving the cottage with everyone else.
“Nova,” he said, grabbing my face and forcing me to make eye contact with him. That only added to the guilt. I’d done something awful to him. Taken away his Celeste. Even worse, I didn’t regret it. “You don’t have to lie to me, you know. I’m not stupid. You were never going to let Talon live. You’ve been talking about killing him since you appeared at my door.”
“You…” Words evaded me, the silence between us a living, breathing thing. A beast that ate at my chest, exposing my barely-beating heart as it shattered. Heknew.
“I know what you did, Nova.”
Tears freely flowed down my cheeks, my eyes burning just as much as my throat now. Maybe all of this had been a dream. Perhaps I was burning in that damn cathedral and everything after had been one last gift. A chance to love and be loved again.
I bit my tongue as hard as my mind would allow, feeling the ache and knowing I was truly here, about to lose the last person I loved in this world.
“Do you hate me?” I asked, knowing the answer. He did. Of course he did.
He slid his hands down to my neck, gently stroking what I imagined were bruises as he stared at me. Would this be goodbye, even after he said he woke me up so I could be there for him? Had he waited for my confirmation before deciding he was done with me?
“I could never hate you, Little Void,” he whispered, practically yanking my head towards his before pressing his lips to mine.
Shock zinged through my body, lighting every one of my nerves on fire, waves of flames burning me from head to toes. Az was kissing me. He knew I purposefully let hisbest frienddie, and now he waskissing me.Was he okay? Had he gone insane?
“Az,” I said, separating our lips, the cold air that invaded my mouth leaving me feeling empty. “How are you not furious?”
His fingers slid down to my braids, toying with them as he let his gaze fall to our feet. “I write to your mother sometimes.”
“My…what?” Blinking, I tried to make his words connect. To understand what sounded like a jumbled mess in my ears.
“Your mother. I like to write to her.” My mouth fluttered opened and closed, words escaping me. How had we gone from Talon to this? “I know she’ll never answer, I’m not crazy. But it’s nice to write to her, even knowing the words will only ever exist within me. Reading her letters had made me feel like maybe I was worthy of being something more than what my father told me I had to be.”
Mama had always been that way. A soothing, grounding presence. Someone who crafted comfort and ease from the airaround them. She was a beacon of light in darkness. A soul so precious that the world was darker without her in it.
“I guess what I’m trying to say is that your family deserved better than being taken that way. If I were you, I’d never forgive Talon either. The only reason any of us can is because, well, he is—was—our family. We really only have each other, and it’s hard to lose one of us, even if that person did bad things. In the end, haven’t we all done things we regret? Committed atrocities we’re ashamed of? And what he’d done, we consider it unforgivable in many ways, because he’d taken one of us. Maybe we just missed who he was and knew he was still in there, even if deep down. Butyouare different. What he took from you, that can’t be replaced. I don’t blame you. How could I? You did more than I could have asked for by bringing him back and letting me say goodbye.”
“But aren’t you upset that he’s gone?” I asked, unwilling to accept that he was kind enough to just let me off the hook for this monumental, life-altering choice.
Grimacing, he looked up at me again, tears beading in his pale bottom lashes. “Of course I am. I’ll miss him and Dove every day for the rest of my life. But that isn’t your fault, Nova. Maybe I’d have blamed you a year ago. Stars, maybe even six months ago. Now, though? All I can do is understand. I’d never forgive anyone who took you from me. You’re my family now too.”
Gasping for air, all I could do was nod and leap forward, wrapping my arms around his neck to stabilize me as I nestled my face into his chest. Every inch of my body ached, and I imagined his did too, but I couldn’t stop myself. He didn’t seem to mind as he laced his arms behind my back, repeatedly kissing the top of my head. I had to smell and look foul, but he apparently didn’t care as he pulled my hair and forced my head back, placing long, closed-mouth kisses to my lips.
“I love you,” I said.
“I love you more.”
Though I didn’t want to, I did pull away, trying to wipe my tears and control my breathing. We needed to bury Talon. Maybe I didn’t care that he was dead, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t be there for Az. For all of them, really. Priya didn’t like me much, but she was Az’s family, which meant she was mine now too. Just as Quinn and Caleb were. Zura and Desi too. We’d all begun to merge, our lives tangled in a war we never asked for but fought in all the same. We needed each other.
That realization rocked me to my core.
“Let’s go. The others will need our help,” I said, choking slightly on the words as I tried to force a smile, tugging him out the door. All the while, I pictured losing more of my family.
We arrived just as the others had found a place down near the base of the large hill where the snow wasn’t too deep. They’d begun clearing it with their bare hands, each of them shaking from the cold, which froze their tears to their cheeks. Behind Quinn, Talon’s body lay in the snow, his head turned up to the sky and his arms crossed over his chest
Az and I immediately fell to our knees, shoveling the snow with our hands alongside Zura and the other cores. When we reached the frozen dirt and remnants of grass below, we got to work digging.
Thirty seconds in, I realized just how miserable the next few hours would be, but none of us seemed eager to use our magic. To even try.
