Big Law Man Nectar Eater pulls tiny pieces of sweet sweet sweetness from his pocket. We circle close. We want some of his nectar, but he shoves them in his mouth and chews and swallows, and we know we have to act. He’s the queen, and Clematis Hair must obey him, so we burrow into his hair, dodging his fingers as they swipe swipe swipe at us, and we gather at the gaping entrance of his ear.
“What do you think, guv?” Sour Face Clematis Hair asks. “Should I bring in the wife? Show her this video?”
No no no that won’t be happening.
We climb climb climb down into his ear. We vibrate our thoracic muscles, shifting the intensity of the vibration until Big Law Man gets our message.
“Guv?”
“I don’t think so,” Big Law Man Nectar Eater says slowly.Good good good,we buzz in his ear. He’s getting it now. “No, Autumn Abernathy isn’t our killer. She’s too gentle to hurt anyone. She’s been through enough. I think we need to track down the mistress.”
VIII
Celeste: Rafe tells me that you need to memorise all the alcohol serving rules in one night. I’m coming over to help, and I’m bringing snacks.
Iscrunch up my face. “The law is that I must refuse service to patrons I suspect of being intoxicated.”
Rafe bows, nearly bashing his head on a low rafter as he straightens again. My cottage isn’t built for men of his height or anyone with a tail that constantly swipes into things. “She’s done it again, thanks to my excellent acting abilities. I should be on Broadway. I could have been in movies! My acting abilities areluminous. Not only did I perform a skit about the dangers of serving intoxicated persons, but I embodied the fleeting tragedy of the human condition.”
“You did?” I quirk an eyebrow at him as I straighten the picture frames he knocked over during his skit. “What about the bit where you were pretending to be a goose?”
“The goose wasobviouslysymbolic.”
“Autumn wins the prize again.” Celeste tosses me a lemon sherbert, which I catch in my mouth. I chew my prize candy while Rafe escapes to the kitchen to prepare for his next absurd skit.
We’ve been at this for hours, and I can’t believe it, but Rafe’s unhinged memory techniques are actuallyworking.First, he threw all the sofa cushions on the ground so we could play ‘the floor is hot lava but it’s actually underage patrons.’ Then, he rewrote the lyrics to popular songs so they would be about alcohol and food hygiene laws (his rendition of Ricky Martin for ‘Living La Vida Listeria’was particularly memorable). Now, we’re playing ‘Alcohol Law charades’ where I have to guess the law Rafe acts out. Every time I get something right, he knocks something off a shelf in celebration. It’s delightful, but hard on my knick-knacks.
He emerges from the kitchen a few moments later, wearing a faux moustache he cut from some paper and carrying a glass of milk.
“I’d like your finest Irish whisky,” he grins at me. “In a sippy cup.”
“You’re literally drinking chocolate milk.”
“The whisky isn’t for me, obviously.” Rafe changes tactics. He points at a potted plant. “It’s for my friend in the corner.”
“I don’t see a friend.”
“That’s because he’s invisible. You’re discriminating against him based on his disability.”
“No, I’m refusing to serve a minor. Your invisible friend can still get a drink if he shows me some ID.”
Rafe holds up his hand, palm facing me. There is nothing in his hand. “Here it is. All perfectly in order.”
“Like I told your ghost friend from a previous skit, your ID must becorporeal.”
Rafe makes a pouting face. He takes a sip of chocolate milk, getting it all over his cardboard moustache.
“But,if you’re between sixteen and seventeen and you’re here with your family,” I add, “I’m allowed to serve you a glass of alcohol with a meal, but you’re not allowed to pay for it.”
“You’re going to nail this test tomorrow.” Celeste grins as she readies another sherbert.
I glance around the sitting room, strewn with Rafe’s various costumes, empty Glazed and Confused bakery boxes, sherberts I didn’t manage to catch. I can’t remember the last time I had this much fun.
And I haven’t had to read a single line from the regulations.
Studying can’t be this easy, can it?
Celeste stands, covering her mouth as she yawns. “As much as I want to hang around to see what other absurd skits Rafe comes up with, I have a 4 AM date with my sourdough. So I bid you both goodevening.” She hunts out her handbag and cardigan. I embrace her, and she whispers in my ear. “Don’t stay up too late.”
