“Why?” I asked with a tight voice. I was desperate to understand the depth of the fracture. “Did you… Have you ever done it again?”
“Never,” Silas swore fiercely, his eyes flying open and locking onto mine with an unyielding sincerity. “I swear to God and on my life, I hated every single second of it. The next morning, the self-loathing was so suffocating I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror. It made me feel exactly like Maverick.
“The worst part of it was that drunk Silas didn’t forget. Drunk Silas remembered you even more vividly. I spent the entire night crying on the kitchen floor, screaming your name into an empty house. The alcohol didn’t erase the fire. It fueled it.”
A long, shuddering breath passed between my lips as the uneasiness melted into a profound, aching sympathy. I pulled him back down against my chest to hold him, and we stayed like that until the shadows in the room grew long, and our eyes grew tired.
It was three AM when I was violently pulled from a deep sleep by a restless energy in the room. The bed beside me was cold as I sat up to squint through the darkness. A crack in the blinds painted pale white streaks that cut across the carpet and showed Silas.Pacing.
He was moving across the room, frantically walking from the window to the bathroom and back again. His broad shoulders were hunched, He was consistently, aggressively scratching at the side of his neck, digging his nails into his own skin until the flesh was visibly raw.
This was a full-blown panic attack.
I jumped out of bed, my bare feet hitting the carpet as I closed the distance between us. “Si! Silas! Baby, stop! Look at me.”
Reaching out, I grabbed his wrists and forced him to stop and hold onto me. His skin was burning hot, yet slick with a cold sweat, and his chest was heaving in short, hyperventilating hitches. There was an unnerving vacancy in his wide, dilated eyes as he stared at me. It was as if he was looking right through me, like he was trapped in a nightmare he couldn’t wake up from.
“I can’t,” Silas finally gasped out, high-pitched and wheezy. “Cal, I can’t do it. I can’t get in that ring tomorrow night. I’m scared. I’m so fucking scared.”
“Silas, breathe,” I commanded fiercely, my hands sliding up to cup his face, forcing his gaze to lock onto mine. “Look at my eyes, baby. Sync with my breathing.”
With trembling shoulders, he began to sob, and his knees buckled from the strain. “I’m scared of getting hurt again or hurting someone else. The second my eyes closed, all I could dream about was how I was back on top of that ladder. I could feel the air rushing past my face and hear the wood splintering. Th-thenthere was thep-pop. When I opened my eyes, all I could see was your face. You were looking down at me from the apron, staring at me like I was dead.”
He collapsed completely, his knees hitting the hotel carpet with a large thud. I dropped with him since I wasn’t about to let go, not for a single second. My arms wrapped around his waist and I pulled him into a tight, crushing hug, burying my face in his chest as we sat there together.
“I’ve got you,” I vowed, the three words coming out strong and clear over the sound of his hyperventilating. I held onto him with every single ounce of physical strength I possessed, becoming the immovable wall and anchor to reality he needed.
“Listen to my voice, Si. That was eight years ago! The ladder is gone, the silence is gone. You are not alone anymore.”
Silas buried his face in my shoulder as his hands gripped my back so hard that his nails dug into my skin. He was weeping, the trauma of his injury finally breaching the surface after pretending he was completely fine. I knew was trying his absolute hardest to pull himself out of the spiral, but the ghost of the botch was looming.
“I’m going to be in that match with you,” I whispered against his ear. My hand was gently running through his hair, trying to soothe the erratic rhythm of his body. “Presley doesn’t want the world to know, but I’m dropping into that match, Si. The second that bell rings, I’ll be standing right beside you. I’m your partner, your shield. If anyone even looks at your shoulder wrong, I will put them through the canvas. You hear me?”
He let out a long, shuddering gasp before his breathing finally started to slow down. Each lungful mimicking the steady rise and fall of my own chest.
“And Evan will be there too,” I reminded him softly, kissing his wet cheek. “We have the entire day tomorrow to go to the arena, lock ourselves in that ring, and practice every single spot until we’ve got it down. We’ll get it right. I won’t let you fall. I promise on my life, I willneverlet you fall again.”
We sat on the floor for another twenty minutes as his suffocating panic slowly receded, leaving behind a quiet, exhausted peace. Si’s trembling finally stopped, his head resting gently against my shoulder as he let out a long, clean breath.
I stood up slowly, hoisting his massive frame up with me, and guided him back toward the bed. Pulling the heavy duvet back, I tucked him in and climbed in after him.
As soon as I was in and laying on my back, Silas quietly crawled on top of me. His entire weight sprawled over my body as he wrapped his arms around my neck and buried his face into the crook of my shoulder, right over his own name. He needed the physical contact, the certainty of my presence to keep the ghosts at bay.
I held him tight, pulling the blankets over his shoulders. “I’ve got you, husband,” I whispered into the quiet room.
Silas let out a soft, content sigh, and his body finally relaxed as he drifted back to sleep, safely in my arms.
23
BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS
Now playing: Sometimes - Juice WRLD
Silasslepthardforthe remaining hours of the morning, his body so spent he was dead- weight against my chest. I, however, didn’t sleep.
I stayed on hyper-vigilant alert, my ears constantly tracking the rhythm of his breathing. Listening for any sudden hitch or tremor and watching for signs of silent tears sliding down his face in the dark. I’m his anchor, and an anchor doesn’t get to drift off just because the storm quiets down.
The second our boots hit the concrete floor of the arena loading dock, and before we could even drop our bags in our designated green room, Rosa appeared out of nowhere. She had her tape measure draped around her neck and a look of determination on her face.
