My brow furrowed as I tried to understand and came up blank. “Two?”
“I’ve only ever had… I mean, I’ve only ever…you know,been withyou and Amanda.”
“Wait,” I breathed, my hands dropping from where they hovered near his arms. “Elaborate. What do you mean?”
Silas looked at me, his eyes glassy and defensive. “I mean what I said. It was just you and then Amanda.”
“I knew you hadn’t been with other men,” I said slowly as my brain scrambled to process the sheer gravity of the information. “But I just assumed… I assumed you’d have at least been with more women.”
“No. I told you I only dated Amanda after you.”
“Not even hookups with women?”
“No,” Silas replied, the word pitching up like a question. He looked at me, brow furrowed and genuinely baffled as to why I found it so alien. Despite the fact we were twenty-nine and thirty-one, there was now a jarring streak of pure innocence that seemed to dance within his eyes. “Why would I hook up with someone I didn’t love?”
The horrific imbalance of our separation hit me like a physical blow. While I was out on the road, trying to numb the pain of having lost him with meaningless bodies in rental cars and hotel rooms, Silas had tried exactlyonceto move on. Even then, he couldn't fully give himself to her. He once admitted that sex with Amanda had never been a big part of their dynamic. It had been safe, quiet, but completely devoid of the feral, all-consuming heat he and I shared.
I wasn't just the only man he’d ever been with. I was also one of only two people on this entire earth who’ve known him intimately.
The knowledge held a sacred, staggering weight. For Silas, intimacy wasn't a transaction or a release. It was an act that was tied entirely to his heart. And he had kept the organ locked away in a swamp for seven years because it still belonged to me. I’m the only person who has evertrulypossessed it.
Neither of us were mad. No, we were just mourning. The ghost of Dani was a brutal reminder of how much time we lost. God, I wished I could take it back. That I could rip those years out of my history, so he wouldn't have to look at me and wonder.
“Baby,” I whispered before allowing the absolute truth to bleed out of me. I needed him to know exactly how revered he was, how deeply I felt the staggering weight of what he had just confessed. “I wasmiserable. I was out there trying tonumb the fact I didn't have you. I learned the hard way that physical touch means absolutely nothing when it isn't the person you love.”
My hands slid up his arms and gripped his heavy shoulders gently, trying to ground him. I knew how self-conscious he was about his lack of experience. How easily his brain could twist this into him feeling inadequate or naive compared to me.
“Every time I tried to move on, it just made me feel emptier,” I murmured, holding his gaze so he could see the absolute awe I had for him through my eyes. “I was trying to force something you already knew was impossible. You never even tried to separate your body from your heart, Si. The fact you held onto that…that you’ve only given yourself to two people in your entire life because that connection is sacred to you? It’s beautiful.”
I slid one hand up to cup the back of his neck, my thumb softly stroking his jawline.
“Knowing I’m the only person who has ever gotten to have you in the most vulnerable way…that I’m the only one you’ve ever fully trusted to just let go with?” My voice dropped, thick with emotion. “It means the absolute world to me. Please don't ever feel bad about that.”
Silas squeezed his eyes shut again, a single tear slipping free and leaving a track through the tanning oil.
“Where would we be?” Silas whispered, his voice barely audible.
I paused, stepping a fraction closer. “What?”
Silas opened his eyes, gazing upon me with a devastating desperation. “If I hadn't left. If we didn't lose those seven years. Where do you think we’d be right now?”
The image hit me so hard, it knocked the air from my lungs. I saw it all instantly. A completely alternate timeline where I didn't spend my twenties angry and hollow. I saw the life we were robbed of.
“We’d be married,” I said instantly. The words left my mouth before I could even check them. I stepped closer, my voice strong with the absolute certainty ofit. “I would’ve asked you years ago. We wouldn't be hiding in this hotel room. We’d be out enjoying the island, with you as my husband.”
The word hung in the air between us.Husband.
Silas stared at me, his chest heaving as the reality of our stolen future washed over him. A cold kind of quiet fell between us, one that held grief and longing. But in that silence, something in my brain violently clicked into place.
Why am I waiting?The thought was loud, sudden, and ultimately terrifying.
I had spent so much time worrying about the company, about the championship. About protecting Silas from the fallout of a potential scandal. But looking at him right now, as I watched the tears fall down his face over our lost years, none of that mattered.
I needed to lock this down. I needed tofixit.
My mind started to race, trying to do frantic, desperate math.
Today is Friday. The match is Sunday. We leave Tuesday afternoon.
