I caught a glimpse of him on the ice, just a glimpse, and I knew it was him. It’s easy. The unique way he glides on skates, the way he handles the puck before he shoots it. Even when he slams someone into the boards, Ryan always spins as he skates away from them. How did no one see any of that for two periods?
Well, I sure as fuck did. Took me all of a second. What Ethan did recognize was the murder in my eyes. I wouldn’t say I blacked out—I remember everything that happened—but life moved at breakneck speed from there. Next thing I know, an ax was in my hand. The only way I could expel the writhing ugliness from my body was to move, destroy, smash.
I showed weakness; Ryan exploited it. Maybe he would try to cage me.
Control isn’t a cute little personality quirk for me; it’s survival.
And then there’s my other rule. Ryan’s not supposed to put himself in danger. I can’t handle it. But he did. I’m the one who keeps him safe, but how am I supposed to keep him safe if he won’t fucking listen?
I shouldn’t show up to my wedding in a blood-stained shirt with glass in my hands. I should at least attempt to pick it out, but I can’t move, staring into nothing …
The war with Uncle Jasper and I began when he made me kill my doll, but I was sixteen when we made our bargain.
Luke didn’t come down to breakfast. It was just my uncle and me.
“This is where I’m supposed to tell you he’s not feeling well,” he said. “To give him time to heal so you won’t see the worst of it.”
The night before, I caught them coming in from a fight night. Before underground hockey, it was underground fighting. Luke was one of Uncle Jasper’s star fighters. I caught them because I stayed awake to catch them.
“Thought you were making him train some more,” I said, my hand tightening around my fork.
“I did.” He drank his orange juice like everything was normal, like he wasn’t using Luke as his very own blood sport puppet.
I shoved away from the table and ran upstairs, hell-bent on chewing Luke out for ever agreeing to this. But when I got to his door, I froze. What he was doing wasn’t just a foolish sacrifice; it was private. Personal. If Luke was hiding this from me, he was ashamed.
Pressing my cheek against the door, I waited, reaching with my ear like I could somehow bring the sound closer. For the longest time, all I could hear was my own troubled heartbeat. I closed my eyes, imagining Luke’s labored breathing, the bruising around his orbital bone, as he lay there in agony. Did Uncle even give him any painkillers? Would Luke take them if he had?
Then I heard it.
A lone sob. One that was choked off as soon as it began.
Luke wouldn’t even let himself cry.
And I knew, in that moment, that if I went in there, if I confronted him about this, it would strip away the only thing holding him together.
Dignity.
“God fucking dammit, Luke,” I cursed him under my breath.
Back down the stairs I went. Uncle Jasper smirked, having expected my return. I poured myself some orange juice and then laced it with a generous shot of his expensive scotch. His gaze never left me, but he didn’t stop me.
Sitting in my chair—the one I always sat in when I was home—I dumped eggs on my plate, then some bacon and four slices of toast. I was a growing hockey boy.
Uncle Jasper continued with his silence, but he sat back, studying me as I ate like a starving tiger, tearing into the toast with my teeth, and stuffing bacon into my mouth.
“I want to make a bargain with you,” I said when my plate was clean. I washed it all down with my disgusting OJ and scotch concoction. It was awful. I vowed to grow to like it.
“I’m listening.”
“End the bargain with Luke early, and I’ll do whatever you want.”
“As attractive and foolish an offer as that is, I can’t accept. I told you, I won’t end the bargain I have with Luke unless he wants to end it.”
He’d said something like that before, but my brain only just caught up with what that really meant—Luke wanted this bargain. As hard as it was to believe, it was his choice.
“What does he get from the bargain?” I didn’t know what the bargain was. I still don’t know all the details. But I know my brother, and it was easy to theorize. Whatever it was, he was protecting me.
Who was protecting him?
