“It felt like they were laughing atme,” I said. My palms warmed slightly where they rested on the lectern. The laughter stopped. Wes’s eyes were unwavering, steady. “There’s this moment when Nicole Kidman’s character is sitting with her colleagues at a restaurant, and her intern is across the room. A full glass of milk is sent to her table. The camera only focuses on her and him, even as other characters speak—telling her they didn’t order it, not to drink it, they’ll get a waiter to take the milk away. She tells them not to. She and the intern—herDom…” I nearly stumbled over the word, but no one noticed, because I could feel the command I had over the room. They were enraptured. “Their eyes lock. She ignores the faceless voice telling her not to drink the milk, and she downs it in one go. This woman, a powerful, married, forty-nine-year-old CEO, chugged milk in front of her peers because her twenty-five-year-old intern implicitly ordered her to.”
I smiled as a small lump formed in my throat. I cleared it away.
“After, her intern finds her at the bar and offers her agood girlfor her efforts. And that was that. My friends couldn’t stop laughing, cracking jokes at the absurdity. And it was, of course, absurd. I thought it was just as absurd when my eyes watered, and I had to wipe a tear away. Imagine crying over Nicole Kidman’s milk mustache,” I joked.
I didn’t receive the laugh I’d expected, perhaps because of the emotion in my voice, but I didn’t let that deter me. “That wasthe entire point of the scene. The absurdity. And I understood in that moment, deeply and viscerally, that what the movie was trying to convey was thatdesirewill always be far more powerful than shame or fear or hatred will ever be.”
A few snaps from the crowd. Candles glowed. Shadowed figures moved from behind the second story’s wooden railing. It looked like whoever was up there might’ve been wearing literal cloaks.
“My friends… they didn’t know. They didn’t know what I was thinking or feeling, so they weren’t trying to be callous. I’ve only ever told one person the truth about me—about what I want, and how I’m scared I’ll die before having ever found it, let alone actuallyallowmyself to experience it fully.” I paused to laugh softly. “Well, I’ve only told one person, other than all of you now, I guess.”
More laughter erupted, along with a few encouraging whistles.
“And I still haven’t explicitly said what I want because I haven’t left the shame behind, but I’m sure you can infer. I mean, I hope I’m not giving you the impression my desires have anything to do with chugging milk—not to kink shame or anything,” I said, riding the next wave of laughter. “I don’t know why I am the way I am, only that I asked God for a very long time to make me something else—anything else.” Wes’s gaze was intense, his features full of an emotion I didn’t understand. I only knew it was potent and raw, leaving heat on my body wherever his eyes touched. It was like he was looking for something, something buried deep inside me. “I’m still afraid of who I am and what I’m drawn to—it’s protective, like all fear. And I haven’t ever wanted to change that.Until now.”
The last line, I’d practiced for hours, knowing it was exactly what Jayne would want to hear. I stepped back from the mic,and warm satisfaction rolled through me when this room of one hundred strangers clapped.
They were clapping forme.It felt like I was someone else, someone I never imagined I could be.
In a daze, I started walking back toward Wes, but Jayne stopped me. “Wait right here, darling,” she said. “You were incredible, just like I knew you’d be.”
“I told you all she was a star,” Jayne said into the mic, her voice seductive and smooth. “Tonight, we’re offering impact, rope, and dungeon etiquette classes, as well as a few surprises. Please explore, and find an attendant with a glowing badge if you need any assistance. One more round of applause for Nova.”
I stood with Jayne, smiling and at ease. When I tried to find Wes again, a body blocked my view.
Archer.
“You’re a natural,” he said. His eyes were hungry, raking from his wife to me. “Although I fear you’ve left us with far more questions than answers… Such a tease.” His smile was light and well-humored, even as his brown eyes darkened a shade.
“A woman of mysteries, just how I like them,” Jayne purred. “The milk scene was genius. I’m sorry your friends didn’t understand. It’s incredibly painful when our loved ones don’t see us for who we truly are.”
“Well, I didn’t really give them a chance,” I defended. “And itwasan objectively funny scene…”
“Hey,” Archer said softly, stepping closer.
Behind him, I saw Wes break free from the huddle that had formed around him. He brushed off a woman in the process of speaking to him, his eyes never leaving mine.
“You can be vulnerable with us. We understand. We can hold the real you.” Archer reached out toward my face. I was still floating, untethered.
The moment Archer’s fingers brushed my cheek, Wes was at my side, my hand in his.
“So beautiful,” I said, scanning Wes’s gorgeous features enveloped by holy rage.
He squeezed my hand.
12
NOVA
The moment Wes squeezed my hand, the haze broke. Archer retracted his touch. Wes glared at him.
For one sharp moment, all I felt was panic. It was like I’d been sleepwalking and sleep talking. Myself, but also not myself.
My mouth clamped shut. Archer took a step back, grinning and clearly unbothered. Jayne eyed Wes curiously, her lips in a sly upward curve.
My cheeks burned; I’d just told Wes he was beautiful. Somehow, that was more embarrassing than giving a crowd of people a deranged movie review in order to convey how much I wanted to be called agood girl.
Hand still in Wes’s, body semi-floaty under a wave of embarrassment, I cleared my throat. “Where’s the bathroom?”
