My closest friends, Ruby and the baristas included, knew about my past and my family. They vaguely understood I was protecting Nova from them, and just like my sponsor Will, they disagreed with my approach. I wish I’d just been honest with Nova too. Will thought it was self-sabotage, and maybe he was right. But at least this way, Roman would stop seeing Nova as a shiny object that meant something to me.
He wouldn’t know Nova still meanteverythingto me.
I didn’t feel entirely good about this, but I’d even messaged Nova’s grumpy roommate in the aftermath. He’d given me his number when we’d chatted at Third House’s anniversary party so I could send him an article about film theory I mentioned. After I got home from the Hudson Valley trip from hell, I texted him,Nova doesn’t want to hear from me again, and I will respect her wishes. But if you could please call me if she’s ever in trouble, if the cult contacts her, or if anything else seems off, I would deeply appreciate it.
I’d expected him to respond with claws out, but he hadn’t.
He’d replied,Okay.
“Something’s bothering me about all this,” I said to Sienna, leaning back in my chair as I shook my head. “It’s been bothering me for a while. It feels like I’ve misplaced something, and I need to find it. Quickly.”
“Something other than the woman you’re in love with?” Sienna asked, brow raised.
“Yes,” I said gruffly. “Something else.”
Sienna frowned. “Yeah, I’m feeling it now too.” She clutched her onyx pendant resting on her brown sweaterdress. “It’s heavy. Phew. Hold on.”
She reached into her bag for a bottle labeledprotection spray.I closed my eyes a moment before essential oil mist cascaded around me. I coughed, and Sienna chuckled.
“Much better. Let’s see if we can find what you’re looking for.” She shuffled the deck, and the first card shot out onto the floor beside us. She grabbed it and placed it in front of me.
“Seven of Swords,” she said. She clicked her tongue. “Whatever you’re missing was stolen from you.”
As Sienna shuffled, her forehead creased. My body started humming, the heaviness breaking into a sense of urgency and doom, like I was late for something but couldn’t remember what.
A second card flew out. Sienna caught it before it slid off the table. “Cards are jumpy today. There’s something they really need you to know.”
I wasn’t always so open to the mystical. But something about having to face death, with my mom, with Kallie, and then with my own imminent demise in the depths of my rock bottom, forced me open, emotionally and spiritually. I’d been humbled by my own undeserved salvation. I had no explanation for my recovery other than that there were greater forces at play beyond my limited human understanding. And after witnessing for myself the magic of Third House and its resident mystic baristas and owner, there was no doubt in my mind this world could be a much stranger, esoteric place than what could be perceived on the surface.
Sienna flipped the card over. “Six of cups reversed. We’re dealing with the past, maybe even childhood, or something connected to your childhood. Hmm.”
The next cards were The Devil and The Moon.
My first thought was Roman stealing my notebooks all those years ago. I voiced this to Sienna, but she shook her head.
“This was a far bigger betrayal.” She stared at The Devil card and thumbed her pendant necklace again. “The Moon rulessecrets, the hidden, the shadow. The Devil represents addiction, abuse, but also the prison of illusion. Something has been hidden that needs to see the light of day.”
Ten of Swords appeared next. The imagery was self-explanatory. A man impaled by ten swords. A total surrender to grief, defeat, the dark night of the soul. I remembered that feeling well.
“Last card, let’s bring it home.”
The Lovers.
Sienna smiled sadly. “You need to form a new relationship with your past if you want to finally break free of its limitations on your present and future.” She thumbed The Lovers card. “That’s where your answers lie. Where grief and addiction and love intersect, the point of convergence where everything connects. You’re carrying a burden not entirely yours to carry.”
Something rose to the forefront of my mind, the briefest flash of realization I couldn’t quite grasp in its completion. I couldn’t stop thinking about Roman breaking into my apartment. What else had I been too self-destructive to notice during that time? What the hell was Imissing?
Ruby and Camellia were having a laughing fit in the kitchen, the sound of it a soothing source of lightness for this heavy reading.
“Wasn’t this supposed to cheer me up, Sienna?” I teased, shaking my head.
She shrugged, sheepish. “That was my intention, but the cards had other plans… Not all help is nice to hear.” She sighed. “You deserve a future full of love, Wes. You might just need to face yourself and all this darkness one last time first.”
As she said the words, she again thumbed The Lovers card, making her message clear. She was rooting forus.For me and the woman I could never have.
After another spray of protection mist, Sienna and I joined the others. The nagging feeling didn’t relent, a slow churn of my subconscious as it shifted for the information that felt only a hair out of reach.
But I still managed to stay present enough to join the laughter, to help the others cook and prep as more of our community started to arrive. The music was perfect, the conversations raw and real. Lola showed up with her kids, and we chatted about books for a while as Ruby ran next door to get the turkey out of her apartment. A few of the older neighbors I’d built furniture for after an apartment fire came by. Not everyone could fit at the table, so others gathered on the outskirts of the space or leaned over the bar counter.
