“You have the same name, Gabriel.”
“Lots of people do.” My voice was losing intensity. I spoke with less conviction.
“Humans, yes! Not druids!” I knew I had been lying to myself as much as the others. My father was at court, serving the emperor. I knew it. I had known about it for years.
“I was not sure. For all I knew, the emperor just wanted anyone made of magic under surveillance,” I said, the words sounding hollow as I heard myself speak them. “I still think that is the case. I think any healer would do.” She was standing a bit further away from me, her sword was just a little less threatening from a distance.
“But he went looking for you specifically, because of your father.” It could have been a statement, or a question.
“No, I think he went looking for me because I am the only healer he knew of,” I responded.
“So you think he wanted you because he needed a healer?”
“I think so. But I did not lie, I do not know anything for sure.” Erna paused to think. She looked me up and down, but her eyes were distant.
“Why would he have need for another healer?”
“I think my father passed,” I said, admitting something I would have rather kept from myself. “I think he needs my magic.” This made her finally put down the sword. This theory must have been something she had not considered.
“Why didn’t you tell us?”
“Because I wasn’t sure, Erna,” I said. I was barely breathing as I spoke. “Besides, I barely knew you! I was your prisoner!” She looked into my eyes, searching for something. I was not sure if she found what she was looking for.
“What do you think the General will do when he finds out you kept this to yourself?” she asked. It was one of the reasons I did not want to open this can of worms. What would happen if Axel knew who my father was? Would he cease to have mercy on me?
“I don’t know.”
“I have to tell him,” she said softly. She knew a threat like this would pain me.
“No!” I pleaded. “No, I will tell him myself.” She sighed. We stood there, in silence. It took forever.
“Alright,” she said when she made her decision. “I give you one week, no more.”
I nodded. She turned away from me, making her way towards the doors. Her hair trailed behind her, as did the sword she now put back in its sheath. This lie could have been the end of me. If he really was gone, the father I never met might have come to haunt me from the grave. His ghostly presence might have seen me in enemy territory. He must have come to the conclusion that I was a petulant child in need of the worst form of punishment. Or perhaps he had gotten lonely in death, and was trying to take me with him to the afterlife.
Forty-seven nights after meeting the General
My chest felt like it was being crushed. Like a crowd of people was surrounding me and I had nowhere to go. It could very well have been the end. Somehow it was worse than getting captured, worse than being brought before the General in the first place. By then I had begun to envision another life. I had begun to care for him. All of that buildup would culminate in a tragic ending when I told Axel about the secret I had kept from him. A secret that I barely knew of myself.
Step by step I walked the halls of the General’s wing. Grand, grey, and more daunting than ever. I had taken a while to sleep on it, although not much sleep was had over the past few days. When I woke up that morning, I felt I was living on borrowed time. Waiting any longer would have suffocated me. It was early in the morning. I was wearing the silks Axel left for me the night before. This would be scandalous on any given day that I had any shame left. On that day, I hoped I would be forgiven for not getting dressed before being sentenced.
The sun was not done rising. If I was going to have to tell Axel, I would rather be done with it. That is how I found myself requesting a meeting with the General himself, with thealpha guards that prevented anyone from disturbing him. To my surprise, I was immediately escorted to him. We walked until we reached grand doors close to where I visited Axel in his study. It was apparent to me that these were the chambers connected to the bathroom where I washed up after our moment of passion. This would be of much more interest to me if I was not walking towards my impending doom.
“You may enter,” a guard said. My legs weren’t steady. My lip was sore from all the biting I did since waking up, and my jaw was tight from grinding my teeth. I walked through those doors to find a massive chamber. I did not have the presence of mind to register any of the grandeur it contained. My brain honed in on the man, sitting on his bed, wearing no furs or silks. Even in cotton, he was intimidating. Someone I would rather not cross. He looked at me then. If he was surprised to see me, he did not show it.
Selfishly, I wished to distract him. To have a few moments of respite from the dread I was feeling, in the arms of the alpha I had come to care for. I knew it would only make the aftermath more devastating. It would be better to be done with it. He did not say anything. Did not ask me why I was there. He just looked at me, like it was all up to me. It almost made me wonder if Erna had told him. If he was waiting to see if I would be honest with him this time. I had to be honest with him.
“I-” The words got stuck in my throat. I took a deep breath. “I’m sorry.” Silence. He was still sitting there, on the bed. I could not look him in the eyes, but his feet had not moved.
“What for?” he asked. His tone betrayed nothing of what he was feeling. He was always so frustratingly composed.
“There is something I haven’t told you, my lord.” He stood up from the bed. Even barefoot, I felt as though I could hear his footsteps as he neared me. Still not looking him in theeye, I felt as if I was being watched. He stood so close to me, I could hear him breathing.
“You’re telling me now.” If only it were that simple.
“I wouldn’t be telling you if no one found out,” I said. “Erna knows something about me. Something I don’t like to think about.” He didn’t say anything. Instead, I found him grabbing me by the waist. I did not have the presence of mind to move away from him.
“You can’t-” I started. He pulled me towards him. I suddenly felt so small. “You won’t want me anymore after I tell you,” I whispered. I heard the fear in my own voice, as if someone else was speaking the words that came out of my own mouth.
