‘It isn’t. But I’ve been there too.’ Kyle nodded. ‘I was engaged, until about a year and a half ago. She was actually pregnant, with my baby.’ Deb could see that the words were difficult for him to say, and she wasn’t surprised at all.
‘What happened? You’re not still together?’ For a moment, Deb wondered if this was what Kyle was trying to tell her: that he was married, or partnered, and a father. That was why he’d been so distant.
‘No. The relationship broke up. She lost the baby at four months,’ he said, pain crossing his face. ‘I was broken. I poured all of myself into my work. This development project became everything to me.’ He let out a long breath. ‘That was why I was so intense about it, I guess. When people started protesting, itjust made me really angry. I wasn’t doing anything wrong, and I guess I wasn’t in the best place to take criticism.’
‘Oh, Kyle. I’m so sorry!’ Deb reached for his hand. ‘That’s awful. The relationship broke up because of losing the baby?’
‘Yeah. It was just too much for us to take. Maybe if it hadn’t happened, we’d be married now, maybe with more than one kid. I mean, we didn’t plan the pregnancy. But I still wanted it. All of it.’ His eyes had teared up, and when they met Deb’s, her heart broke for him at the sadness behind them. ‘I still do. Not her, I mean, we had problems before that, and in retrospect, she wasn’t the right one for me. But I still want… someone special, you know?’
‘I understand that feeling,’ she said, carefully. She wanted to protect herself. ‘And… children? Is that still something you want?’ she added, thinking,because if you are saying what I think you’re saying, then that’s not something I can do now. Or ever.
He paused for a moment. ‘When Catriona got pregnant, I was happy. I adjusted my view of the future to include a baby, because I loved her. I thought I loved her. I thought that was what I wanted. It might be still, I don’t know. But I’ve changed a lot since then. I think I was just trying to please her. Fit in with what was happening. I’m not ready to go there again – the emotional upheaval was intense. Losing a baby…’ he trailed off, and looked away. Deb could see his eyes had filled with tears.
‘Why are you telling me all this?’ Deb asked, still cautious. Her heart was so bruised from Dan that she felt almost afraid of how much Kyle was opening up to her. Yet, she also wanted nothing more than to be sitting here with him. To be close to him and listening to his beautiful voice.
‘God, Deb. Isn’t it obvious?’ Kyle ran a hand over his face. ‘I like you. More than like you. I’m… I’ve fallen for you. And I can’t go another day without saying it.’
‘You… you have feelings for me?’
‘Yes.’ He looked deep into her eyes, and Deb felt an overwhelming rush of electricity through her whole body. She swallowed hard. ‘When I thought you were back with your ex… it killed me. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. About you. We have this… powerful connection. I’ve never felt it with anyone else.’
‘I know,’ she whispered. ‘I feel it too. From the first moment we met.’
‘Do you… do you think you could have feelings for me too?’ he asked, almost shyly, and Deb was taken aback by the realisation that Kyle didn’t know – had no idea – of how she felt about him. How much she had thought about him. How intensely she had reacted to just being near him; the chemistry that she felt with him, like they were opposing poles of a battery.
But, the spectre of her infertility nagged at Deb. She remembered that stupid magazine article.
WHAT WOULD YOU DO FOR A BABY? Six women told us how they achieved a woman’s greatest goal – becoming a mum.
If Kyle had wanted a child once, he might want one again. And she couldn’t give him that. She felt perfectly fulfilled not having children – it was her choice, and she was happy with who she was and what she had chosen. But she needed to make sure that he understood that.
‘You know I can’t have children. The hysterectomy, and everything,’ she said, her voice firm. ‘And I don’t want a family. I’ve never been the maternal type. I love my job. Sure, it might change at some point, and there are options if so. But, honestly, I can’t see that happening. I come from a line of fiercely independent women, and I’ve come to appreciate that about myself.’
‘I know.’ He nodded. ‘That’s the thing that first attracted me to you. You’re tough. You stood up to me. Didn’t take any crap. Ineed someone like you. I can be insensitive, sometimes, though I don’t mean to be. I love that you love your work. I love what I do, too. I couldn’t be with someone who didn’t have their own stuff going on.’
Deb’s heart bloomed. She didn’t think she had ever been liked – loved, even, possibly – for her independence and the steel spine she had inherited as a Sutherland woman.
‘Thank you. That means a lot. Are you sure?’ she asked, then corrected herself. ‘I mean… thank you.’ She was a Sutherland woman, after all, and she didn’t need to second guess anyone.
‘I told you, it’s not a priority. Anyway, if at some point in the future we both wanted to, then there are other ways. The important thing is that I want you. Totally and utterly. I don’t need anyone or anything else.’ Kyle took her hand. ‘Do you… do you think you could have feelings for me too? Maybe in time?’ he repeated.
‘I don’t need time,’ she murmured. ‘Kyle.From the moment I met you, I knew that this was something special. Even when you were being completely unbearable.’ She tilted her head up towards him, and he reached down for her chin with his fingers. ‘I want you. I have feelings for you. Big feelings.’
‘Deborah. Like a queen,’ he breathed, and his lips brushed hers. ‘I’ve longed to hear those words.’
Kyle had kissed her before, but this time it felt like they were connecting on another level entirely. Deb felt her heart open like a rose as his lips gently met hers. First, they brushed hers softly, and she felt the tip of his tongue flicker on her lips. A rush of sensual pleasure ignited in her abdomen, and she surrendered to the kiss.
Slowly, it deepened, and Kyle’s hands found her waist, and then her hair. He stroked her hair gently as he kissed her, and this act of tenderness opened Deb’s heart even more. He murmured her name as he kissed her, and then held her close,against his broad chest. Deb stared out at the castle gardens, full of the simple warmth and delight of knowing that Kyle had feelings for her, and that hers were allowed to flourish in his arms.
Finally, she knew what all the love songs were about. Tears sprang to her eyes suddenly, as she realised what she’d been missing, for all this time. For all the time that she’d compromised with Dan; for all the time she’d thought that love wasn’t for her. That it was something just for the privileged few, like Hal and Zelda. The beautiful ones.
Janice had always brought her up to believe what Elise had taught her: that life was full of hard knocks, and that you couldn’t depend on love. Love was fleeting, and life was hard. That was how it was as a Sutherland woman, and Deb had taken that on board, unconsciously, as a young girl. She had never seen this for herself. And, yet, here it was. Here Kyle was.
Granted, she had no guarantee how long this would last. But she did have something that she had never had before, which was the pure and one hundred per cent sureness that she had fallen for someone: hook, line and sinker. And, more than that, that he had the same feelings.
It was a terrifying feeling, but it was also the most wonderful thing in the world. And Deb resolved, in that moment, that she would no longer believe that she was cursed. Because – if it was a curse, and Deb didn’t for a second believe that it was – that curse had brought her here to Loch Cameron. She had come home.
EPILOGUE
