‘Thank you so much.’ Deb almost felt that it would be quite nice to stay in the Inn after all now, but the rain outside had stopped and been replaced by a blue sky again. ‘We’re off for a walk around the loch now.’
‘Ohh, enjoy! I should get oot myself.’ Dotty gave them a little wave. ‘Remember, Deb, anytime ye want lunch or dinner or a coffee, just pop in. On the hoose.’
‘I will. That’s so kind. Thanks!’ Deb grinned.
‘She seems friendly. Nice to have an infinite supply of free food and drink too. I’m jealous,’ Dan said as they walked out of the Inn.
‘It’s definitely a nice perk of the job,’ Deb agreed.
Outside, the loch glittered, reflecting the midday sun. Here and there, boats bobbed on the water, some moored at the edge on the pebbled beach, and, further away, a couple of small fishing boats on the wider expanse. The boats looked to be in good order, painted in smart white and blue or in jolly reds and yellows, with names likeRoamerandSalty Sue.
‘So.’ Dan sipped his coffee as they made their way onto the cobbled high street. ‘It’s good to see you. I think I’ve said that already, actually.’ He tutted at himself. ‘Sorry.’
‘That’s all right.’ She warmed her hands on the cardboard cup; even on a sunny day, it could be cold by the loch, and it was still only spring. ‘Look, Dan. Things got really bad between us. I know that it was hard, having me laid up at home, recuperating from the operation. But you behaved really badly. And eventhough you’ve said sorry, you really hurt me. And, you have to admit that things weren’t exactly brilliant before then.’
They turned along the muddy footpath that ran alongside the loch.
‘I guess. But we always got on,’ he said, catching her eye as she looked up at him. ‘I valued that.’
‘Did we, though?’ The haunting sound of a curlew rang out across the loch; as they walked farther away from the high street, it had grown quieter, so it was easier to hear birdsong and the wind in the trees. Deb wasn’t much of a wildlife expert, but she knew curlews because they were Janice’s favourite bird.I really should call mum, she thought.
‘I think we did,’ he said, defensively. ‘When we started going out, we had a lot of good times. Like that trip to Skye we had, in the campervan. And that first Christmas.’
‘When we started going out, yes,’ Deb argued. ‘When you start seeing someone, you’re supposed to have a good time, otherwise you wouldn’t bother, right? That’s the honeymoon period. A good relationship is when you still get onafterthe honeymoon period. I don’t think we did.’ She remembered that week on the Isle of Skye. Some people would probably have an intensely romantic time there. She and Dan had hired a camper van that had no heating and leaked, it had rained all week and he’d steadfastly refused to do anything romantic at all, like go for night time walks to look at the stars or to the Fairy Glen where she’d wanted to go. The first Christmas they’d been together had been fine, but she didn’t remember feeling like it was anything special. With Dan, there was always a sense of anticlimax.
‘I kinda thought we did,’ he insisted. ‘And, anyway, I think people have unrealistic expectations of relationships. They want them to be all sweetness and light all the time. Life’s not like that.’
‘Right… but you are supposed toenjoybeing in your relationship, most of the time, still.’ Deb sipped her coffee, which was surprisingly good. ‘It’s not unrealistic to expect to be happy. To be in love. To feel loved and respected. Have fun with, be silly.’And have chemistry, she thought, but didn’t say.
‘Of course. But I loved you. I still do.’ He jammed his hands in his pockets and refused to meet her eyes. ‘All right, I was rubbish at showing it. But I do. I can do better.’
‘Dan… I can’t respond to that,’ Deb said, slowly. ‘Please don’t put pressure on me about this. You can’t say that you love me when you treated me so disrespectfully. That wasn’t love.’
‘Why? Because I didn’t do the washing up?’ Dan swore under his breath. ‘Come on, Deb. This is what I’m talking about. I’m human. I make mistakes. But I can still love you.’
‘But you treated me completely awfully,’ Deb said, starting to feel any remainder of friendly feeling she might have had for Dan being steadily replaced by irritation. It was like a cloud covering the sun. ‘It wasn’t the washing up, Dan. It was the constant complaints and implying that I was being lazy when actually it was excruciating for me even lying down. It was the gaslighting when I dared to say something about how you were acting. You made it sound like it was all in my head. Like you’re doing now.’
‘I’m not. You’re just not listening. I…’ he interrupted her.
‘No, Dan.You’renot listening.’ Deb stopped walking and stood still. She took a deep breath of the cool, clear Loch Cameron air and felt it ground her. She felt the muddy path under her feet, and it was reassuring in its solidity. Loch Cameron had her back, in some kind of strange way that she couldn’t explain. ‘I can’t continue to be in a relationship with you. Whatever feelings I had for you, you destroyed in the past months. But we were never that well suited, I don’t think. We were both looking for something comfortable, unchallenging.Because we were both afraid of having something more than that, maybe. I don’t know. But I don’t want that anymore.’
‘You’ve met someone else,’ he replied, dully. ‘That must be it.’
‘Really?’ Deb almost laughed. That was his go-to thought? That if Deb didn’t want to go back to their substandard relationship, it must be because she was seeing someone else, and not because that was a healthy choice she had made for herself. ‘That’s what you think?’
‘Haven’t you? You look different. Glowy. Thinner. You’ve done your hair different, or something,’ he said, a resentful tone in his voice now. Even though his words were technically a compliment, she knew that he didn’t mean them that way.
‘It’s none of your business, but, yes, I have gone on a date.’ Deb thought of Kyle, but she didn’t feel compelled to say anything else. Kyle wasn’t any of Dan’s business. It wasn’t as if they actuallywereseeing each other.Not anymore, anyway,she thought with a pang.
‘Hm.’ Dan looked away. ‘Well, I did my best, Deb. I came after you. I said sorry. I don’t really know what else you want me to do, but if that’s not enough, then that’s all I’ve got.’ He scuffed his feet in the mud. Somehow, the gesture made him look like a sulky teenager.
‘It’s not enough,’ Deb replied simply. It was hard to say, but she knew that she had to be honest and open. ‘I appreciate you coming to see me, Dan. And I appreciate the apology. Really, I do.’ She let out a deep breath. ‘But, I think we can both do better than a relationship where neither of us are truly happy, just for the sake of being with someone. I want to do better than that.’
Dan gave her a long stare, then nodded.
‘All right,’ he sighed. ‘In which case, I assume you’re going to move out of the flat.’
‘Yes.’ Deb had been trying not to think about that, but Dan was right. If they really were breaking up and not giving itanother go, then she had to find a new place to live: she couldn’t stay in the cottage forever, especially as it was currently free. ‘Can I finish the job off here, and then come and move my stuff out? I know it’s maybe not ideal for you to have all my stuff there. But I don’t really have time to look for a new place to live while I’m organising this party. And I’ll keep paying my half of the rent until I move out.’
