There it was. If Deb had ever thought that Dan loved and respected her, then in that moment, it felt as though he put her heart on the floor of the sitting room and ground his foot into it. Those were not the words of a loving, supportive partner. Not someone who wanted to hold her hand on the beach under a blanket in many years to come; not someone she could share her dreams with, her insecurities, her pain and love and laughter.
Because Dan had been with her at a time when she was at her most vulnerable. And he had chosen to belittle her rather than lift her up.
‘What did you just say?’ She had heard it, but she still couldn’t quite believe that the man she had thought loved her could say something like that.
‘Deb, don’t make this into one of your little dramas.’ Dan sighed again, as if Deb was being completely unreasonable. ‘All I’m saying is, it’s been hard on me having you lying around like the Queen of Sheba, expecting me to wait on you, hand, foot and finger. I’m tired.’
‘You’retired?!’ Deb had been holding on to her anger, and now she let it go. It was a relief, in a way: an outpouring of all the hurts she had stored up over the past months, reacting to Dan’s little micro aggressions.
But she wasn’t going to tolerate them anymore, and the anger that coursed through her like a river felt like it nudged all of those stuck little pebbles of hurt free. One pebble couldn’t hurt anyone much, but hundreds of pebbles, propelled by the strength of a raging river? That could maim anyone who got in its way.
‘You’re tired? How do you think I feel? I’m the one that HAS… HAD… SURGERY!’ she shouted.
‘Don’t I know it,’ he muttered.
‘All you’ve done since my operation is complain. Don’t make out like you’ve been working hard to keep the house together. Look at the kitchen!’ she yelled. ‘It’s a bloody tip in there! I asked you to hoover LAST WEEK and you still haven’t done it. But you have time to watch TV, apparently.’
‘Do it yourself, then, if you’re so worried about it.’ Dan’s tone was defensive. ‘It doesn’t bother me.’
‘I bet it doesn’t. But, in case you’ve forgotten, I can’t do the hoovering for a while longer, so I asked you to do it. And you just didn’t.’
‘I did. You just didn’t notice,’ he argued, weakly.
‘Dan. If I didn’t notice, then that’s because YOU DIDN’T DO IT RIGHT. And, while we’re on the subject, you’ve cooked for me – very badly – about five times and heated up microwave meals the rest of the time. But worst of all, is that you have been an utter shit to me at a time that I needed you the most.’
‘What? I’ve been here for you. I’ve done your laundry, cooked, cleaned, drove you home from the hospital.’ He sounded exasperated. ‘I don’t know why we’re even having this conversation.’
‘Dan, I’ve done all of those things for you – and more – pretty much since we started living together. And I didn’t think I deserved a medal for them.’
Dan swore under his breath.
Lovely, Deb thought. ‘Do you know what? I’d actually be ashamed of myself, acting like such a child and refusing to do the simplest things for no apparent reason. How do you think this makes you look? It’s not very grown up or attractive, let me tell you.’
‘Thanks. Can’t we just go back to how we were before? Since you had that bloody operation you’ve just been…’ he trailed off.
‘What? I’ve been what?’ Deb stood in the kitchen doorway, defiantly, her hands on her hips.I’ve stopped letting you get away with bad behaviour for a quiet life. And you don’t like it one bit, she thought. Somehow, in the process of making a positive choice for herself – it had been scary, but she’d done it to save herself from pain and bleeding and her whole life being governed by endometriosis – she had also become more empowered in her relationship with Dan.
‘Whatever. Nothing. I’m going back to work.’ He turned the TV off. ‘Not going to get any peace down here, am I?’
‘No,’ Deb said, shortly. ‘You’re not.’
She thought about the Laird’s email, her business brain kicking in for a moment. Business had been a little slow since she had come back from her operation because she hadn’t been saying yes to as many events. She really needed a well-paying project to put her back on track, financially, and this sounded like it would at least cover the money she’d lost by being out of action. Also, it would do her good to get away from Dan. She felt like she needed some distance to work out how she felt about everything.
I deserve better than this, she thought.I can’t be around him anymore.
‘I’m going to have some time away,’ she said, abruptly.
‘What do you mean?’ He had his back to her, leaving the room: he halted, but didn’t turn to face her.
‘I’ve been offered a good rate for a job. In the Highlands. They want me ASAP. I think it would be a good idea if I went,’ she said.
‘Do what you want,’ he said, dully. ‘You always do, anyway.’
Deb sighed. She could have responded, but what point was there, to such a passive-aggressive statement?
‘I will, then,’ she said, and watched him leave the room.
Well, that’s that, she thought, as Dan went back up to the spare bedroom, which was his home office. She listened as he stamped up the stairs and pulled the door closed with a bang. Even though she had made the decision to go to Loch Cameron and put some space between her and Dan – the decision felt good as soon as she made it – the slammed door hurt.
