‘I don’t want to stop,’ she replied, uncharacteristically bold. Not that Ellie was never bold – in her line of work, you had to be. She had to be assertive, even aggressive sometimes. But work was a performance, and she’d never been that confident when it came to men. However, there was something about Mark which made her relax. ‘Do you mind?’
‘No.’ He smiled and looked away.
Ellie hummed along to the next song on the oldies station. She sang under her breath as the moonlit cove opened before her.
Mark stopped the car on the little road that ran alongside the beach. ‘’Ere we are, then,’ he said, a little gruffly. ‘I’ll walk you to the beach house from ’ere.’
‘Oh. I’m fine, you don’t have to do that.’ Now it was Ellie’s turn to feel self-conscious. It was a date: they both knew it was, although they had both pretended that it had just been dinner between new friends. And at the end of a date, people kissed.
Ellie didn’t know how she felt about kissing Mark Gardner.
Not specifically Mark. In fact, if she had to kiss anyone, Mark would currently be the top choice unless Henry Cavill suddenly appeared in Magpie Cove, and even then, it would be close. It wasn’t about Mark.
It was about her.
‘Oh. Okay. Well, then…’ Mark leaned over to her seat. Instinctively, she leaned towards him. That was just what you did when someone you liked leaned in to kiss you.
Gently, he reached up and touched her cheek, and leaned in further.
Ellie closed her eyes. It was all right to let Mark kiss her, she told herself. It was all right. She wasn’t a leper. She might have one breast, but she was still a woman. She was still a person that deserved affection.
But as she felt his lips brush hers, she pulled away.
‘What is it?’ Mark murmured, his face still close to hers.
Ellie sat back into her seat. ‘I’m sorry. I can’t,’ she mumbled, grabbing her bag from the footwell of the car and pulling the door handle repeatedly until it swung open violently.
‘Ellie!’ Mark called as she got out concernedly. ‘Are you okay? What did I do?’
Suddenly, she couldn’t bear the thought of anyone touching her. Ellie could imagine Mark’s face, seeing her naked, which might happen if this continued – not in the car, certainly, but if they started dating. She would be a huge disappointment to him. Not just to Mark – to any man. And she didn’t think she could deal with that look on his face, the one that she imagined, on seeing her scar tissue. He would see her and regret asking her out. Regret all the time he had spent with her.
She waved in the direction of the car and strode to the steps to the beach. She heard the car door open and close behind her and willed Mark not to follow her; she already felt mortified.
He called after her again, but she didn’t turn around. Ellie broke into a jog as she approached the beach house. There were no footsteps on the sand behind her, and as she stopped at the front door, searching in her bag for her keys, she looked back at the road. Mark was standing by his car with his arms crossed over his chest. Ellie was thankful that he hadn’t followed her, but she knew that he wouldn’t. She already knew that was who he was.
Finding the keys, she stepped into the beach house and closed the door behind her, feeling a rush of regret tinged with sorrow blossom in her heart.
What had she done? She had ended a perfectly lovely evening by making it uncomfortable. She should never have gone out with Mark in the first place. She had known it was too soon, but she had let Fee talk her into it. And now, whenever she saw Mark – which was going to be often, since he was the one repairing Marilyn – it was going to be awkward between them. And she wouldn’t be able to go back to their casual Saturdays: it would feel weird, and she wouldn’t want to lead him on.
She’d have to apologise to him. It wasn’t his fault. But the thought of seeing Mark again, never mind having to talk about what just happened, made her feel nauseous.
Ellie threw herself onto the sofa and curled up in a ball. She wished, for the thousandth time, that she had never found that lump on her breast. She wished that her life could go back to normal. But she knew it had changed forever, and would never be the same again.
