No, no no no no.
This wasn’t happening.
This could not be happening.
I stood there, frozen in absolute horror, my brain trying desperately to process what I was seeing while simultaneously refusing to accept it.
The woman.Her! The cosmic energy woman, the universe woman, was asleep in my bed.
Completely naked.
In. My. Bed.
What did I do?
What did we do?
Oh God, what happened last night?
My hands were shaking as I grabbed my phone from the nightstand.
I needed help.
I needed advice.
I needed someone who’d been in worse situations than this and lived to tell the tale.
I scrolled through my contacts with trembling fingers and hit call.
It rang twice before a familiar voice answered, sounding far too cheerful for whatever ungodly hour it was. “Julien! How’s Vegas? Did you survive the TED Talk?”
“Fitz,” I croaked, my voice barely above a whisper. “Fitz, I need help.”
There was a pause. “Are you okay? You sound terrible.”
“I’m not okay. I’m the opposite of okay. I’m in my hotel room and there’s a woman in my bed, and she’s naked, and I don’t remember anything after the bar and I think... I think something happened and I don’t know what to do and...”
I heard it then.
Laughter.
Not a chuckle. Not a snort.
Full, genuine, absolutely delighted laughter.
“Fitz, this isn’t funny.”
“Oh my God,” he gasped between laughs. “Oh myGod. You... you actually...” More laughter. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I just... this is amazing. This is the best thing I’ve ever heard.”
“Fitz, please.”
“No, no, I’m sorry.” He was still laughing. “It’s just... you? Julien Darcy? Mr. Precision and Planning? Mr. I-Have-A-Color-Coded-Schedule? You woke up with a random woman in your bed after a night you don’t remember?”
“Yes,” I said miserably. “Yes, that’s exactly what happened, and I need you to stop laughing and help me figure out what to do.”
“This couldn’t have happened to a better guy,” Fitz said, his voice full of gleeful satisfaction. “Seriously. The most uptight, straitlaced, by-the-book person I know, and you managed to have a wild Vegas night. I’m so proud of you right now.”
“Fitz.”
