Normally that wasn’t particularly frustrating for me, but I wassotired and tense from last night. If she’d just accept my help without dissecting my motives, it’d be better for everyone. I didn’t care to think about the history of life experiences that brought me to these decisions. Whenever she asked “why”, old memories seeped into my thoughts. Painful reminders of why this mission was so important to me.
“Dad?” The voice of the child in my memory was small. “What’s happening?”
Because I’d sacrificed my soul for a cause that I wasn’t sure made any difference.
“Dad, I’m scared.”
Why did I have to remember the way his words trembled so clearly?
“This isn’t fucking helping anybody!”
The rage I felt was so fresh. So real. So much more than a haunting flashback.
I couldn’t undo those days, but I could try to create a better future. I didn’t know how, but I had to try. One foot in front of the other until something good came of it all. And now, after all this time, therewasa way to make a difference. A real, tangible improvement for the life of a goddess. And she was questioning my every move and intention.
I clenched my jaw and tried to silence the intrusive voices. We needed to drop the topic.
“A reason would be comforting…”
“Would it be?!” I snapped, to my own surprise. My nervous system was still reeling from the voices echoing in my skull. Taking me back to that time in my life. “Because from where I stand, I’ve given a reason. And it wasn’t good enough.”
I couldn’t believe the tone that was coming out of my mouth. I was back in that room screaming and seeing red. An icy shiver of shame crept up my spine. I was being a fucking asshole. That couldn’t be a thing. Especially not with Vivian.
I cleared my throat and tried to remind myself who I was talking to. “What can I say that willactuallyreassure you?” My voice became the smallest it’d ever been. Utterly contrite.
Vivian watched me closely, eyes narrowed.
She sighed. “Look, it’s just hard to entrust your livelihood, and the livelihood of someone you love, to a stranger who seems too good to be true.” Her tone lowered seriously. “I think I’d feel better if I knew aselfishreason you want to help me. What do you have to gain? Because everyone I’ve ever known was selfish. I understand selfish. Selfish is predictable.”
A bit of the truth was the least I could offer her as an apology for my outburst. Vivian wasn’t a memory. She was real. I was being a dick to her because of my own inner demons and exhaustion. I scratched the scar above my ear, painfully aware of its sting that never went away. She wanted to know what I got out of helping her? Something dark. Something self-serving. I wasn’t about to offer my rotten innards on a silver platter, but I could give her some context if it meant she’d be easier on herself for the rest of the summer.
I let out a deep breath. “I’ve hurt people. A lot of people. A long time ago. Since then, I’ve tried helping goddesses differently... on my own… to undo some of the damage I’ve done in the only way I could come up with.”
Her eyes softened. “Why did you hurt people?”
“I was told to.” My jaw clenched. I wanted to escape this conversation as quickly as possible. This wasn’t something I talked about.
Feather-soft fingers grabbed at my hand, pressing our palms together just as they’d been last night. I didn’t feel the tingling of healing on my fresh scar, and I was grateful. It was my only mark from a pure, just cause. Created to protect Vivian. And it was my blood that was spilled, not the blood of an innocent.
“How many people?” she asked, her thumb stroked mine.
“Too many.”
She was silent. Was this really the comfort she needed? Why would she trust memoreknowing I had a history of violence? I stared ahead, wishing I could take back the words. I was the one who listened to others spill their guts, not the other way around. Why was I suddenly breaking my ribs open for her,letting her see my long since blackened heart? Still beating, after all the others it had stopped.
“Thank you for telling me, Theo.” Her light grip gently squeezed between my knuckles. She was offering comfort. “That makes me feel better.”
Ididn’t feel better. Wasn’t truth-telling supposed to feel cathartic, especially when the listener was responding so kindly? I felt more tangled in complex guilt than before.Why?It was frustrating.
I was doing the right thing! I was helping. I was being honest. I was non-violently trying to fix a fucked up socio-political crisis. I looked down at the berry-red top of her head. She met my gaze, icy blue eyes smiling at me reassuringly… and I realized why that confession felt so wrong.
My motive was no longer redemption. Not anymore. I had lied to her in my attempt to tell the truth.
Of all the altruism I’d forced trying to rewrite history, this had become something entirely different. I would commit every heinous crime again if it gave her peace. I’d face my own damnation for her continued laughter. I’d be her weapon to wield so that she could live safely in that field for the rest of her days.
Somehow… somewhere… in such a short amount of time, my intentions had changed entirely.
“You ready?” she asked, just as Ida’s deteriorating roof became visible through the trees.
