And now I had no choice. Eliza needed me to keep things together.
Everyone had dreams they’d quietly abandoned. Or at least, that was what I’d always told myself.
I stared at the expensive fabric of my dress. My perfect nails. The designer shoes that weren’t mine. I didn’t have the headspace for this right now.
Fuck it. I slammed the drawer shut again. I’d handle it. It’s what I did.
My phone pinged. This time, it was my sister.
Eliza:Have you shagged him againyet?
Trust her to approach it with subtlety.
Me:No. Shagging’s not part of thedeal.
She knew that. It was even written into the contract.
The contract I’d signed before I’d had a clue what I was getting myself into. Fuck.
That afternoon with him at my flat still rolled around my mind. Every time he looked at me, touched me.
Was Miranda right? Was he different with me, could we be something more than this? But knowing what his actions were doing to Kelly, to Monish, to a third of our workforce—how could I ever look myself in the eye if I slept with him again, now?
And once this was over—once Liam had got what he needed from Hugo—how could I ever really fit into his life anyway?
Eliza:That’s ashame.
A pause.
Eliza:Rudy dropped by tho… looking for his bong. Apparently, it’ssentimental.
She sent me a beaming face emoji followed by the vomit one.
Me:Did you let himin?
Eliza:Are you kidding? He was also wondering why his amp was lying all smashed up in the front yard… I denied allknowledge.
Me:Fuck, sorry about that! I blockedhim.
Eliza:Finally, she does somethingsensible.
Me:Which shagging Liam again would definitely notbe.
Eliza:Of course. He’s too nice. Completely off brand foryou.
My bloody sister.
The worst part was that a small, treacherous part of me knew she was right. Hewasnice, and that was the problem.Niceimplied consistency and attention. The possibility of being seen for who you really were, for more than just brief stints.
How could I begin to explain all this to Eliza? I couldn’t even get my own head round it.
Me:It’scomplicated.
Was he really sensitive, like Miranda said? But how could he be? He took apart businesses like they were Lego. Not the behavior of a sensitive man.
Eliza:It’s really not, Andy. You’re just making it feel thatway.
God, she was so annoying.
