I have someone, two someones if I include Calida, who will sit with me at my worst, just to make sure I know I’m not alone.
When we’re finished, Flint collects the debris from dinner and handles it in the kitchen. He cleans up the mess of dirt clods from the flowers Calida brought home, without my asking. Did I mention the perks of an unexpected roommate?
Calida is snoring on a pillow we purchased for her a couple weeks ago. Occasionally, she deems it worth her presence, rather than crowding me in my own bed.
As I finish my tea, a wave of anxiety hits me. We both really should go to bed. I’m sure Flint is tired and probably has a lot of feelings about what transpired. My tendency to dream vividly coupled with todays weird hallucinations, the added stress, Brett… fuck, I would do almost anything to not sleep tonight.
“I think you should probably get some rest,” Flint says. Is he reading my mind?
“I … I don’t want to,” I reply softly.
Flint studies me, then seems to survey the room.
I sigh in defeat. He’s right. We both need rest. Asmuch as it should be allowed, the world doesn’t stop moving, responsibilities don’t disappear when something catastrophic happens. If I wrote a strongly worded letter regarding this absolute necessity, who should I send it to?
I go to the bathroom to get ready for bed. Not that there’s a lot to do, but I should probably finish my skin care and brush my teeth. Gods know that I can’t afford a dentist appointment. As I’m singing the ABCs in my head, I hear some scuffles outside the door, but with the faucet running, I assume it’s just Calida. Probably rushing to my bed to stake dibs on the larger part of the mattress.
I finish my bedtime routine. Coming out of the bathroom, I stop, in shock.
Flint has moved the coffee table into the kitchen and drug my mattress to the floor, laying it in the space between the couch and the TV. He’s piled my pillows and multiple blankets on top of it, creating a cozy nest.
“I thought we could watch one of your movies,” he says, seeing me hesitate at the threshold.
My heart is in my throat. No gesture has ever meant more than this one. He knew, somehow, that sleep was a worry. So he did what he could to prolong this evening, just the two of us, even if I’m a wreck internally.
“That’d be great,” I manage to choke out.
He seems shy, then seems to come to some conclusion. “Don’t worry,” he blurts. “I’ll sleep on the couch.”
I study him. He seems nervous, like he’s not sure he made the right move. On any other day, I’d be happy to tell him he made the right-est of moves but, right now, I can’t find the words.
He hasn’t slept on the couch since we startedsleeping together. Did what almost happened tonight change the way he sees me? Does he find me disgusting now?
I swallow thickly and don’t say anything. Shame makes my throat tight.
While he selects a rom-com on my various streaming options, I slowly walk to the makeshift bed he’s made for me. I snuggle into the mound of blankets and pillows, making myself comfortable. It’s so warm and snug. Flint settles on the couch while Calida continues to snore on her pillow.
After about fifteen minutes of the movie, I’m becoming uncomfortable with what’s taking place on the screen.
“What’s wrong?”
How does he know?
“I don’t… I don’t want to watch this,” I blurt.
Shit. Usually I love rom-coms but tonight… The last thing I want to watch is a love story. Despite the knowledge that what I’m feeling is normal, I’d really prefer to stay away from male and female relationships tonight. Despite Flint’s influence and presence in my life, I don’t want to fall asleep watching this shit.
Flint immediately goes back to the home screen.
There’s a tense silence.
“I’m sorry,” he says.
“Don’t be. I’ve never been… here… before. I didn’t think–”
He remains quiet. Finally, he says, “What do you want to watch?”
“You pick.” I state, shifting in my pile of blankets. ADHD is in top form and I can’t face a decision right now.
