“And how is—crisis management going?” she asked carefully, still holding his gaze. “Would you like any further explanation on this particular topic?” Here she was, freaking out about taking the next step in her future. Jed was only a year behind her.
“I’m good for now,” Jed said quietly, and Kat could appreciate the knowing glance he spared her hyperband as he returned to his seat. And she had to wonder yet again if she had set an example she’d be proud of for her cadets to follow.
She forgot to check in with him again on her way out—instructor of the year, right here. But they’d be right back in this room later this week. Right now, she really needed to find Lee.
He was waiting for her at the doors to the Canteen, hands shoved deep into his pockets, eyes glazing right over the cadets streaming past.
“Did you get it?” she asked, a little out of breath as he fell into step alongside her.
“My Placement application?” Lee asked, still with that faraway look as they took up a spot in line. “I sure did.”
“It’s here. Yay,” she said, trying to muster some of the enthusiasm from earlier, but flailing rather spectacularly. Instead it was anxiety that threatened to crash in once more. “This is exciting, right? What we’ve been working towards for what feels like forever. We’re freaking Gammas.”
“It’s certainly something,” Lee agreed, also feigning a smile. But he let the false cheer taper when they got to the trays, stepping towards an array of salad bowls with disinterest. “No, this is good. This is what we want,” he affirmed. But somehow, she didn’t buy his surface optimism any more than she had her own.
Thiswaswhat they’d wanted. She should be elated and brimming with pride. The little girl with no family had built a name for herself. She and Lee had built alifefor themselves. It came with security and connections and access to more of the galaxy than she could ever dream. And yet, she suddenly felt like the little girl again, staring down the gigantic scary universe with its maws open before her.
She missed her invincible armor.
They filled their trays withvoid-knows-what, taking up a spot at their usual table. But as she stared down at her tray, she couldn’t bring herself to take a bite.
“Do you think Tonya will be excited?” Kat asked instead, pushing her food around. “More ‘space-farming’ for us, like that relative of yours.”
The corner of Lee’s lips turned up a little. Not like she was anxious and rambling or anything…
He set down his fork. “She does like to bring him up. He shares my namesake, did you know that?”
“Another Leland?” Kat asked, sighing dramatically over her untouched tomato sando.
“Yeah, yeah. Good old, Leland Waters I.” Lee huffed a laugh. He picked up his fork again, slowly spinning it between his fingers. “I don’t know yet how I should bring that topic up. She’ll know it’s coming. We just haven’t really talked about it.”
“Yeah…” Kat murmured, pretending she understood what it was like to have a caring adult in her life. She knew exactly how this conversation would go with her aunt. As her legal guardian, Vyna received the standard AMG Academy communications. And when the stress overwhelmed her aunt and was buried with the majority of everyday life stressors, the conversation would go the same as every other she’d shared with Vyna as of late:
She: I’m applying for Placement.
Vyna: Oh. Can you send money?
Kat peered around the Canteen. They weren’t the only odd ones out. She could pick out most of the Gammas by the various ranges of excitement and anticipation on their faces—with the exception of Zane. He sat at the far table next to Neha and Marco, the Academy’s prism clearly visible from the side of his head. But where the other two chatted animatedly with each other, Zane merely listened, somber-faced, at their side.
From what she understood, his home situation wasn’t like Neha’s or Marco’s or even Lee and Tonya’s. Zane had always kind of been on his own. Like her, his future and support depended on him succeeding with the Academy. However, whereas she’d understood Zane’s dad to only care about Zane “carrying on the family name” or whatever, Vyna didn’t possess the mental capacity to actually care, let alone support her. She couldn’t say which of their situations was preferred.
After lunch, for the joy of hanging out with Whistler, and not at all to avoid opening their Placement applications, she and Lee fled back down to the training levels to catch Whistler’s afternoon meditative practice.
About a dozen cadets were already present when they entered. Whistler was fiddling with the room settings, so she and Lee set up their mats alongside Demi.
“Hey Katy-girl,” Demi said, leaning in for a hug. Kat raised her eyebrows. Whistler was definitely rubbing off on his X-yeared beau. “I heard congrats are in order,” Demi said neutrally, gold earrings glinting under the overhead lights. “Applications, that’s huge for you lot.”
Despite wanting to avoid this exact subject, there was something about the way he’d said it—or maybe he just possessed a similar energy to Whistler—that Kat found herself relaxing into a previous version of herself. One that actually believed this was where she belonged.
Lee seemed to feel that too. He had a loose smile on his face as he tipped his head in acknowledgment. “Just making room for you.”
“I know we make it look easy, but I trust you guys will keep to our standards,” Kat winked.
“We’ll do our best,” Demi said, chuckling. “Honestly, I think I’ll be thrilled when it’s behind me.” His eyes stole over to Whistler as he crossed back to the middle of the room, tightening his high bun and motioning at the stragglers coming through the door to take a seat so they could get started.
Maybe it was his meditation. But Whistler seemed to have found his center with this whole graduation thing. And she knew Lee was working through it.
She thought back to the cadet health surveys and what she’d told Jed this morning about being ready to take on a new assignment. What would it take to get her confidence back in theAMG to ensure she would be ready to accept Placement? What would it take to get back her confidence in herself?
