My nerves are shot. My sleep is terrible. I've masturbated more times than any human possibly should, and it doesn't help the situation. My body wants Valmir. My body wants ababyfrom Valmir. That's the trickiest part of all. How am I going to start a family with a man who's a loner?
I bite back the urge to explain myself to Sabrina. Of course she's going to try and make me feel guilty. She hasn't resonated. She doesn't get it.
Then I feel guilty because I know that Sabrina isn't petty like that. It's not her making me feel guilty — it's my own guilty conscience. Sabrina has been peppy and friendly and understanding this entire time. I'm reading too much into everything. Just because I overheard their conversation doesn't mean they're guilting me.
I should probably check on the son of a bitch, just to ease my own mind.
I finish peeling the last root in my lap with quick, sharp strikes of the knife. I put the rest of the roots in the basket at my feet and then get up. "Hey, Tal'nef, if you're sharpening knives, can you do this one? It could use a little love."
And it'll give him an excuse to hang out near Bianca a bitlonger. He takes it from me with a quiet smile. "I will sharpen for you, yes."
I could swear he looks a bit bashful. He probably feels obvious as hell.
I dust my hands off on my tunic and head across the encampment, waving to people as they pass and calling out greetings. Corvak and Gren have their heads together, discussing how to butcher a kill. Aidy and Willa sit nearby, talking and playing with Willa's son. O'jek is with his mate, holding a basket and trailing after her. Bridget is talking animatedly to A'tam, and there are others fishing down by the shore. Everywhere I look, there are happy pairs.
Of course they're happy. They're not stuck withValmir.
The inner guilt strikes me again. It's not that Valmir is bad. I find a lot of his dark humor pretty funny. It's that he never knows when to be quiet and polite. He's like a damn...feral cat. He doesn't know how to be housebroken.
The thought amuses me far more than it should.
I head to Veronica's hut. She shares a huge one with Ashtar, the dragon-shifter guy. The visiting flap is over the door, so I jingle the heavy shell chime that acts like a doorbell. A moment later, Veronica appears, baby on her hip and her toddler at her feet. "I was wondering if we were going to see you soon," she says. "Come on in."
Great. Now Veronica's making me feel guilty.
Veronica and Ashtar are a strange pair to me. Ashtar, the golden gladiator, loves to run around naked and is very cognizant of how attractive he is. He loves attention and showing off. Veronica is the opposite of Ashtar. She's quiet and mousy and so mild in appearance that I'd struggle to pick her out of a lineup. She's just sort of...there. But I've also seen how Ashtar is with her — he utterly worships the ground she walks upon. It's the khui working its magic, of course. There's nological way these polar opposites would be together otherwise, and yet they're happily mated and making babies.
It all just feels so...final. Decided. Like once you give in to resonance, the entire rest of your life has been planned out for you. I don't know how to feel about that, so I keep holding Valmir at arm's length. Easy to do when he's a sarcastic jerk.
I step inside the hut after her, and the front area of the home is full of driftwood shelves. Baskets with different colored bands are lined up, and bunches of drying herbs hang from the ceiling,. This is all Hannah's work — she handles the stores of herbs and medicine so Veronica doesn't have to. I see her coming in and out all day with tea mixes and dried plants, and Veronica has told us before that she'd be lost without Hannah's organizational skills.
The healer sets down the kids just inside the "private" portion of her home and pulls the flap closed. Then she gestures at her patient.
On the other side of the hut, in the alcove across from the herbal supplies, a pallet of furs and pillows is set up. Atop these furs, Valmir lounges like some decadent feline overlord. He's sprawled atop the blankets instead of under them, wearing nothing but a loincloth. The striping pattern on his fur is evident down his strong limbs, and only the tip of his tail twitches today instead of its normal restless full-on flicking. One foot is heavily wrapped and propped up on pillows. His eyes are closed and his head tilted back.
As I regard him, his eyes flutter open and he gives me a lazy, relaxed smile. "April. Knew it was you."
He thumps his chest twice, indicating his khui, and then his eyes drift closed again.
Veronica crosses her arms as she gazes down at her patient. "In case you're wondering, he's drugged."
I lean over him, fascinated. His face is so relaxed, his bodyso loose. It's hilarious and cute at the same time. "I guessed as much. I don't think I've ever seen him so chill." I've only seen him so laid-back like this after he's come. The realization makes me blush. "Is he in a lot of pain?"
"Well, re-breaking his ankle wasn't fun for anyone." She grimaces, and for the first time, I'm noticing she looks tired and drawn, too. "But the worst is over and it's been set properly. It should heal up correctly this time. It's going to ache for a few days, though not as bad as right now."
"So we can't keep him drugged up forever?" I joke.
"No, it's really a bad idea." Veronica's expression is deadpan, obviously misunderstanding my teasing. "And it's a good idea for him to keep his weight off it today. The day after tomorrow, though, he's going to need to walk and build his strength up again."
She's telling me this like I'm his nursemaid. I guess I am, since I'm his resonance mate and he doesn't have anyone else. I study Valmir's sleeping expression. His eyes are deep hollows and he looks exhausted, like he hasn't slept in weeks. He seems a little thin, too. That's to be expected after his misadventures with Corvak, Aidy, and a million metlaks, but it's still concerning. "Other than the ankle, though, he's...fine? Because he doesn't really look fine."
Veronica shoots me a look. "If you don't mind me saying, you don't look so hot either."
I touch my face. "Thanks...?"
"It wasn't meant as an insult." The healer looks uncomfortable for a second. "I've seen this enough times to advise you that, at some point, resonance becomes debilitating. It's best to give in or get it fixed the unnatural way." She grimaces again. "And I really, really think you wouldn't like the unnatural way."
Where the healer turns off all your emotions so that you feel like a zombie? Yeah, that one's never been on the table forme. Losing the ability to laugh and cry is ten times worse than having to fuck Valmir. "I'm just not ready yet."
