No, don't—don't go.
Jerk must see right through me, or I made a stupid titty-baby face, cause he shushes me.
“Grocery run.Should take me an hour, then I’ll be back.”
An hour...I can do that, I think.
It takes a moment for my eyes to start working.Mr.Sandman must have come and poured concrete into them as I slept.Finally, they flutter open; scared of sudden light pouring through the fathomless hole in my irises.
Elias glides his fingers over my forehead, down my temple and to the apple of my cheek again right as I open them.
"There we go," he sighs."That's better.Want help?"His blurry figure leans over me.
"N...no.I...I got it."
I sound like I smoke a pack a day—damn throat’s dry and tender which makes me cough.Somewhere, somehow, I must have swallowed a pile of still-hot ash.
Elias looks on as I lift the dreadful sheet that was dead set on killing me, and slide out of bed.Lush carpet softens the pads of my feet.The elevation change makes me woozy and sway, but Elias steadies me without a second guess.
God, I feel like shit.Empty and levied at the same time.
Balanced better, I take a step toward the bathroom but he stops me.Worry creases the corners of his pretty green eyes when I turn to look at him.I hate them—his eyes.I’m a fucking wreck, and though it's my fault I lost my shit, he left me.He was the straw, and that camel's back was broken umpteen million years ago.
Masking the irritation in my voice, I ask, “What?"
An awkward hesitation floods the gap when he doesn’t speak, pissing me off.
I have no patience for his silence when my bladder’s five seconds away from bursting.
"Do you need anything specific while I'm out?"
"No, Elias," I answer with a bite.
"Alright.Your pill’s in the cup on the counter.Water's next to it.There’s a kitchen timer counting down.Take it when it goes off.Do not miss it, Sadie.You're awake right now because I managed to fix your schedule.”
Yes, first drill sergeant.
Without another word, I disappear into the bathroom and lock the door like I’m being chased.It’s disgusting how much I have embarrassed myself in front of him.The last thing I need to do is pee with the door open.
I don’t understand how he can stomach looking at me.He's watched me go from an unstable teen to an unstable adult, and now someone who is one wrong sneeze away from carving out her own heart.If I were him, I’d have left my ass high and dry the day I turned eighteen—I was never his responsibility to begin with.
Finished with the restroom, I turn the shower on high and step in, clothes and all.What’s the point of taking them off when I’ll have to put them back on?
At first, the torrent is freezing as it reaches down to my bones.Then gradually warms until it’s hot and turns my skin a bright shade of red.
Jack Frost’s touch doesn’t stand a fucking chance as my spongey bones absorb the heat.
Is it too much to ask for the things I see and hear to be real?Maybe I wouldn’t feel so insane then.I mean, I know they’re not, but the things that happen to me when I can’t control them makes it more than real.The damage shows up in my skin, syphons my energy and health, but no one can put their eyes on it.They call me crazy, imbalanced, and want to lock me away.
They're wrong, my childhood psychiatrist and the asshole I have now.I know my parents don't believe me either.They’ve never come out and said it, but I know—they’re good at lying.All they want is the validation of being loved.So, they take theirdamagedkid any way they can get me just to feel better about themselves.
Once upon a time I thought Elias did, but now that I see myself, and the way his gaze has changed?He tells me what I want to hear, like everyone else in my life.
It's not fair.I was a good girl growing up.I don’t know what I did to be punished this way.Nor do I understand why the creator, whoever they are, chose me to be the soldier responsible for carrying all of this weight.Why would they do this to an innocent?I mean, I…I know I’m not anymore because I’ve hurt people but what about before?
What terrible wrongs did I commit in the past that warrant punishment in this lifetime?
I only want to be normal, wanted, and loved.Whatever’s plugged my soul into this body has decided I'm not worthy.
