“Fair.The blanks aside, do you ever experience flashbacks that you can’t pinpoint?If you do, what do you experience?”
“Sometimes.They don’t feel like flashbacks.More like deleted scenes—multiple ones of the same event, but they’ve been replaced.”
“Explain.”
I’m going to die here.
“Usually, I’m back at the cabin, where my uncle had me strung up and ready to sacrifice me at the cross like some Salem witch.I can feel the electrical cords he had wrapped around my wrist dig into my skin.Then I remember the deaths, and the lake he tried to drown me in.When I come back to reality, I’m choking on water that’s not there and my hands feel dislocated.”
“They’re distorted, though,” he comments.Unsure if it’s a question or not, I go ahead and elaborate since I know it’s coming.
“Yes, the voices are there.Not embodiments, but they’re in my head and no longer whispers or urges.They’re real and feel like they’re going to split me apart.He’s there sometimes, a black spot trying to swallow whatever light is in the room.”
“I see.Do these voices ever tell you to do bad things, or hurt yourself?”
“No.”
Talking about them makes me feel like I’m going to speak them through the veil.With them already hovering around him, crowding his chair and hanging onto the low radiation of his life force, it doesn’t seem like that’s too far off.
With Elias, they’re calmer.There’s no vying for dominance.No, he puts me under a spell which has them acting like civilized demons—ironic, I guess.I wake up with a clear head, no weights dragging me to the ground, or fear of Kate springing out of me like a morbid Jack-in-the-box.It’s just…relief.
Be careful what you say, child.
Naamah, nice of you to join us today.
Her past warnings have always kept me in line, not daring to question them, and today is no different.There’s something about her I hate, but respect enough to obey.
“No.We exist at once and they haunt me,” I lie.“Whoever has control does their thing then switches out.We operate well without the pills—well, when I ran out of them.”Another lie.
“Do you have out-of-body experiences or do you see things through your own eyes?”
“My own, if I’m awake.”
“So, you’re sleeping when these things happen?”
“No.”
For someone so bright, he sure is stupid.
Read between the lines, you chauvinistic prick.
“That’s how I describe not being present when one of them takes over.”
“I see.I know we talked about possession briefly, but there isn’t any scientific backing, Sadie.Religious hauntings are not measurable nor can they be medical without some sort of baseline for treatment.It’s simply a level of psychosis, and until you recognize that you will turn your nose up on traditional methods.”
Here we are again, we’ve come full circle.Another person who doesn’t believe me.Who thinks I’m making this shit up as I go versus taking accountability for the way my brain is broken.I’m not crazy—I feel them.It’s a physical manifestation in my body.They’re real and living inside of me like some sort of brain eating amoeba, and the longer they’re there, the worse I get.I wish he would believe me, I wish someone would listen to me when I tell them something’s wrong, that it’s not me doing all of these insane things.
Elias does.
Elias does.
As Mr.Kensington begins peppering me with questions, his voice fades but lingers in the back of my head.I’m too busy trying to keep myself from breaking down to focus on him.You can only take so much before you start believing you’re as damaged as people say you are.
It hurts, not being believed.
“Do you want to tell me about the detective?Why has law enforcement contacted my receptionist with the possibility of your record being subpoenaed?Are you prepared for what comes after you’re dissected in court?Do you have adequate legal counsel?Do you have a support system?”
I’m so tired.There’s not enough energy left to answer his twenty-one questions, so I let the rest of the appointment dissolve into a one-sided conversation that’s both beratement and pleading.Hanging on with the few remaining shards of myself, I will it all to come to an end—for peace.
