“Can we at least talk downstairs in private, where no one can hear us?” She glances side to side, and my ears suddenly tune in to the growing noise from the fans.
Fine. “Yes.”
“Good,” she sighs and pivots on her heel, leading the way out of the box and toward the elevator. We ride down in silence, and I feel like we practically teleported with how quickly we got downstairs.
“Come on.”
I didn’t realize I’d slowed down. I pick my pace back up, catching up to her as she leads me farther down the hallway.
“There you both are! Finally! Matt, we need to get you dressed and lining up. Warm-ups are about to start. They’re just waiting for you.” Andy is frantically rushing down the hallway toward us, concern overtaking him as he nears us. “What’s going on? What’s wrong?”
Shay leans in and whispers something to Andy that I can’t hear. What is she telling him? I am perfectly capable of playing.
“How are you feeling right now?” Andy asks me with a straight face.
I shrug off his concern. “I’m fine. I’m ready to play.”
He chucks a pen at me, and I don’t notice until it’s flying past my head, and I react far too late to catch it.
Lifting my hands, palms up, I scoff. “That seriously was not a test, was it?”
Andy puts his hands on his hips and sighs. “I need to talk to Carrington. Rooney, with me. Matt, wait in the locker room.”
“You can’t be serious.” I scoff, anger flooding my system, and, God, I cling to it like a lifeline. “My team needs me!”
“Matt,” Andy says with the weight of a thousand words behind it, “we are here foryou, okay? We’re not here for the team or the Cup. We are here to look out for you. You’re clearly not okay—I can see that with my own eyes. We’re better off giving you the night off than to risk putting you on the ice and something bad happening.”
My voice is barely audible. “Shay, what did you tell him?” Betrayal slices at my heart at the thought that she’s the reason I’m going to be benched.
Shay steps toward me. “I didn’t tell him anything specific. Just that you might not be one hundred percent right now.”
“H-how could you do that?” I recoil with my words. I’d rather have her punch me straight in the face.
Tears well in her eyes. “You’re not in the right headspace for this game, Matt. And deep down, youknowthat.”
She reaches out as my face contorts, the pain refusing to be silenced and pushed down. I let her take my hand, but her touch is nearly scorching against my skin. Her thumb strokes the back of my hand, and I can feel my resolve chipping apart, tearing at the seams.
“Ineedto play.” My voice cracks as the walls holding me together start to wither away, leaving me hanging by a single thread of hope, the last ounce of it I have left. “Ineedto be out there, focusing on the game.” I lick the tears off my lips as my body shudders, my breathing quick and erratic. “Fuck, Shay!” I gasp, my words staccato as I struggle to breathe. “I need to be any-fucking-place that will take my mind away from what just happened. I can’t—I can’t handle tha?—”
She moves fast, her arms suddenly around my shoulders, the back of my head in her hand. “I know. I know. Come here.”
“I need to play.” The phrase becomes a mantra I can’t let go of, like the last piece holding me from spiraling into oblivion. “I need to play. I need to play. I need to play.”
She pulls my head down, her other hand brushing up and down my shoulder. “I’ve got you. I’ve got you. I’m right here.”
“Shay, please. Please don’t make me feel this,” I beg her, my strength wavering more and more by the second, my body gradually falling into hers.
I’m on a teeter-totter, tipping back and forth between sanity and losing myself altogether. But just when I think I’m falling into the chaos, she reaches her hand out and grabs hold, keeping my feet on the ground.
“It’s inevitable, baby. I’m sorry,” she murmurs into my ear. “But I’m right here, and I’m not going anywhere. It’s you and me, remember?”
The clouds keeping the emotions at bay begin to fade with each caress and soft whisper, and when that dam finally breaks, tearing through my body like a thousand earthquakes, a tsunami pours down my face. And I know that if it wasn’t for her right now, I wouldn’t survive this storm.
I melt fully, and we tumble to the ground together, somehow my head ending up against her chest as she rocks us back and forth. A hurricane roars through the hallway as I cry until I have nothing left to give.
I’m utterly exhausted when Shay ushers me into her car, shutting her passenger door behind me. I’m a shell, an emotionless void, merely floating whichever way I’m pushed.
My head leans against the window, and I watch the shadows of the garage turn to sunset orange as a thousand cars pass beside us. Gradually, they fade away, and the orange dissipates to black and then bright lights. My feet are suddenly on the ground again, standing inside of an apartment building that’s certainly not mine.
