Down in my car, I still wouldn’t let myself fall apart. I clenched my teeth so hard I worried they might break, and I threw my car into reverse. Anger and humiliation swirled in my stomach and everything was so hazy I didn’t even remember the drive, but somehow I’d ended up at Blue’s door.
Blue was a fellow porn star, and he had two porn star boyfriends. Honestly, he was living the dream. I was insanely jealous but mostly happy for him. Blue was like a brother to me, and so was Jax. I didn’t know Asher as well, but he was a good guy.
Blue opened his door and yanked me inside and right into a hug. “What’s wrong, Perry?”
“I’m so stupid. Fucking straight boys. Fucking closeted assholes. Never again.”
“Oh, honey.” Blue squeezed me tighter and then helped me navigate to the couch. “Is it that asshole doctor that you’ve been seeing?”
I sniffled. “I’m not seeing him anymore. I told him to lose my number.”
“Good,” Blue said. “I’m sad that you’re sad, but I’m not sad that you’ve broken it off with him. You deserve better than that.”
The worst part was that I knew Blue was right. I did deserve better, and I’d known all along that Darren was giving me scraps. Just enough to keep me interested in coming around again. Like a fool, I kept going back. Time and time again. Occasionally he’d throw me a crumb, like an after-sex snuggle. And I was dumb and desperate and delusional.
“I know I do.” I let out a sigh and shimmied down the couch a bit so I could lie down and put my head in Blue’s lap. He raked his fingers through my hair.
“You need your roots done soon. I could help you if you wanted.”
“Not today, but that sounds nice.” I sniffled. “Why do I do this to myself? I can have sex whenever I want, so why do I settle for guys who only want that?”
“Because you’re a silly man with horrible taste in men.”
“Rude.”
Blue poked me in the side. “It’s true.”
“Yeah, I know. I just—there was this invitation on his nightstand for some big charity event, and I thought, stupidly, that he could take me as a friend. I could dress up. It would be fun. And before I could stop myself, I said as much. But it turns out that Doctor Darren isn’t allowed to have porn stars for friends because then people might guess that he’s a closeted homosexual.”
Blue snorted. “Sorry, but if anyone doesn’t realize that man plays for our team, they are blind as fuck.”
“Not everyone has gaydar as well-honed as ours, Blueberry.”
He poked me in the side again. “You know I’m right.”
“I just want someone who doesn’t hate what I do, who doesn’t mind that I’m going to have sex with other people sometimes. Who knows that it’s just work, just a job. And who isn’t ashamed to be seen with me in public. And I feel like that’s asking too much. I don’t think that person exists, and if he does, you’re dating both of them.” I tried to laugh because I’d meant it to be a joke, but my heart wasn’t in it.
“I should go home. Gumball is probably wondering where I am.”
“Gumball is probably sleeping in your fruit bowl like he always is.”
“It’s the one thing he does that makes me believe he’s actually a cat and not a dog trapped in a cat's body.” Gumball was a rescue I’d adopted. Not only did he have his long black hair working against him, but he’d been at the shelter for a long time because people thought he was weird. Turned out Gumball had been raised by dogs, so he did things like lay there and pant like a dog would. He begged for food at dinnertime too. His love of lying in my fruit bowl, whether or not it had fruit in it at the time made no difference to him, was one of his truly purely cat behaviors.
“Gumball can look after himself.”
“Are you implying that I can’t?” I looked up at Blue, and he booped the end of my nose.
“I’m implying that you don’t have to. You should crash here. We can get the couch turned into a bed, I’ll make some popcorn, and we can watch movies.”
“And what about when your boyfriends get home?”
“When my boyfriends get home, they’re going to climb into the couch bed and hog the popcorn and talk through the slow parts of the movie, and they’ll probably fight over who gets to cuddle you.”
Blue made it sound so nice that I almost convinced myself to stay, but instead I pushed myself to my feet and finally did up the buttons on my shirt.
“Perry—”
“I think I really just need to be alone.”
