“What are you doing?” I asked as Blue slid his fingers into my hair.
“I’m cuddling you,” he said. “We’re here to talk about all the delicious things we want to do to you, and you look like someone kicked a puppy.”
God, when was the last time someone fucking hugged me? I melted into Blue, all the fight going out of me. I didn’t want to think about Lukas anymore. Or Leo. Or anything but how nice it felt to have Blue’s arms around me. He kept stroking his fingersthrough my hair, and I found myself closing my eyes and just letting him.
“Is there anything you really wanted to have happen?” Blue asked and my brain whirred at a million miles an hour as I tried to think. There were too many decisions to make. Positions. Certain acts. Who was going to go where and do what.
“I—” My heart crawled up into my throat and choked off my air. I floundered, trying to find a way to answer him and coming up empty.
“How about Blue and I ask you some questions and we can narrow it down that way, okay?” Jax’s voice was softer now, and I tried to find it soothing rather than irritating that he felt he needed to be extra careful with me. Even if it wasn’t wrong of him to make that assumption.
I shifted around so I could see Jax when I opened my eyes. “Okay.”
“First off, we all need to be tested before the scene, but what are your thoughts on condoms? We can go bare if you want, or we can use protection if you prefer.” Jax was clearly comfortable taking the lead in the conversation, and it made me feel good to have someone to look to for guidance. It took some of the pressure off my shoulders.
Did I want to film the scene? Yes. Did I still think it would open a door between Lukas and me? Not especially, but I was still in love. Still desperate. Still fixated on this thing that would probably never happen but that I was compelled to reach for anyway.
“I’ve never gone bare before.”
“Then we’ll use condoms,” Jax stated, but I shook my head.
“I—I’d rather not. Unless you two have any objections.”
Blue nuzzled against my hair, and I turned toward him. “Did you just sniff me?”
“Your hair smells nice. I like your shampoo. And I’m game for going bare if you are. But remember, you don’t have to do any of this if you don’t want to.”
I turned and glared at Blue. Anger suddenly swelled in me as thick as tar. “If you don’t want to film with me, just say that.” I flung the words at him, trying to pull away, but Blue tightened his hold.
“That’s not what I said,” Blue protested, but I could still see the concern in his eyes. The doubt that clung to his expression, pinching it. Flattening his lips and furrowing his brow.
“No, but it’s what you meant.” It was the second time he’d mentioned me being able to back out, as if I wasn’t able to make up my own mind about what I wanted.
“I’m just worried that you’re doing this for the wrong reasons.”
Blue’s confession felt like a slap in the face after all the tears and snot he’d endured before Jax got here.
“I know that I want to do this. Today didn’t change that for me, but if it did for you, then fine.” I tried again to pull away but Blue stilled me once more.
“I’m sorry. Okay? I was just worried about you, but you’re right.” The words rushed out of Blue like he was afraid I’d get up and walk out. “You know what’s right for you better than I do.”
I searched his expression for any sign of deception before letting him tug me close again. Was I still angry? Yes. But not enough to make me give up the easily offered affection. Today had been fucking awful, one of the worst days in recent history, and I just wanted to think of anything that wasn’t the expression on Lukas’s face.
“Okay, so.” Jax cleared his throat and ignored the awkward vibe that had fallen over the room. “I know Lukas doesn’t always do storylines for his shoots, but I think it could be fun if we did one.”
“Ooh, what about parole officer and two delinquents?” Blue suggested, humor tinging his voice so I couldn’t tell if he was actually serious or not.
Jax made a face. “I’d rather not, thanks. How about like… honeymooning couple and the cute pool boy?”
“Older stepbrother and his best friend look after the new, younger, cuter, stepbrother,” Blue purred in my ear and I squirmed, which made Jax grin.
“That’s the one.” Jax pulled his phone out and tapped away on the screen for a minute. “Sorry, just making notes so we don’t forget what we discussed. It’s always a good idea to keep some kind of record. Now, what things have you done, haven’t done, and are willing or unwilling to do?”
I wanted to crawl in a hole and die. I was about to lay out my limited sexual history in front of two guys who planned to fuck me one day. I knew I had to be honest with them, but it was hard to admit that compared to them, I might as well be a virgin still.
“How about this? We ask, you answer. Have you had sex before?” Blue asked and I scoffed.
“Yes. I’ve had sex before.”Please don’t ask how many times. I chanted in my head, cursing my body’s sweaty-palm gene.
