“You know, this is the most memorable first date I’ve ever been on,” Jax said as he dipped across the hall into the bathroom where he retrieved a few towels.
Bathing kittens was interesting, to say the least. They weren’t fans of the water or the shampoo. Or of any of it, really. They especially hated when Blue took over and cleaned their ears. By the time he had all three kittens washed up, Jax and I had them buffed as dry as we could, and then Blue went and collected momma cat.
“Sorry, momma. I know you’re not going to like this, but I hate to be the one to tell you… you smell horrendous.” Blue soothed her as he brought her to the kitchen. She looked tired, like maybe she was too tired to give much of a shit about anything. The night had already been eight kinds of traumatic for her. First the forced removal from her home. Then the trip to the clinic. Then here. And now bath time. Blue petted her gently and gave her time to settle a little.
Meanwhile, Jax had transferred the sleepy little kittens to a clean, dry towel and had made them a bed in Blue’s laundry basket. Once they were tucked away, Jax came back and joined Blue. A hand slid across Blue’s lower back.
“Do you want help with her? You can keep her still, and I’ll bathe her. Does that sound okay?”
Momma cat, as it turned out, didn’t hate the water. Or maybe she was just too exhausted to put up much of a fight. Because it could have been a battle, but after a brief struggle, she gave up and let Blue hold her while Jax soaped her up and helped to rinse her off. The only part she really tried to fight was when Jax held on to her so Blue could clean her ears. When she was done, Blue wrapped her in a towel and handed her to me.
“One clean momma cat, ready for kisses.”
I bundled her close and kissed her on top of the head. “You smell a lot better,” I told her in a quiet voice as I gently rubbed her with the towel. Once I’d got her as dry as I was going to get her, I reunited her with her kittens, who she immediately started to sniff and then groom.
Arms wrapped around me from behind, and I melted into them, content to do nothing but stand there and be held and enjoy the moment.
Was this what being happy was like? A gentle, warm feeling of contentment in my chest. Was happiness this soft thing that wasn’t too bright or too loud? If this was happiness, it was comfortable. It was safe. It was Jax kissing my neck while Blue puttered around in the kitchen, cleaning up the mess we made.
To my horror, I sniffled. I tried to stop it, but it happened without my consent, and I cursed my stupid body for betraying me.
“What’s wrong, Ashy?” Jax asked, his hold on me tightening a little. A kiss was pressed to my cheek, and I sniffled again.
“You’re going to think I’m a liar, but nothing is wrong.” The words wobbled out of me like newborn deer on shaky legs, incriminating me further. “I’m—God, this is embarrassing.” I swiped at a few tears that had spilled over, trying to hide the evidence that they existed. “I’m happy, and it’s weird.”
Jax laughed and turned me around and let me bury my face against his chest. He cradled the back of my head and soothed me by rubbing my back as he let me try to get control of myself.
“Why is it weird?” he asked after a few minutes. By this time, Blue had joined us and I heard Jax whisper to Blue to get him up to speed. “Here, get on the bed and snuggle up with Blue.”
Turning to look, I saw that Blue was sitting up at the head of the bed, propped up by pillows. He opened his arms and told me to come to him.
Of course I listened. I was a mess, but I wasn’t stupid. Blue wrapped his arms around me, and I used his chest for a pillow. Three dry, fluffy kittens were plopped down on Blue’s lap, and Jax sat on the other side of him.
“Why is it weird to be happy?” Blue asked.
The kittens were drowsy, and they curled up in a little pile of fur and went to sleep on Blue.
“I’ve been sad for so long that it kind of caught me off-guard to not be sad, you know.” I gently stroked the kittens’ soft fur as I spoke. They were a nice distraction to have while I waded through my unruly feelings. “Leo wouldn’t want me to be sad, but it seems… unfair… even a little cruel… to be happy without him. And I feel like it’s some kind of a betrayal to admit that I’m tired of being sad.”
Jax reached over and threaded his fingers with mine. Blue kissed the top of my head. One of the kittens opened his eyes and looked at me and let out a soft little meow, like he knew exactly how I felt and wanted to let me know.
“Grief is a complicated thing,” Blue said after a while. “I had to grieve people who aren’t dead. You’ve had to find a way to move on without someone you desperately miss. Neither one is easy.”
“I never thought I’d be happy again. For a while, I was worried that I couldn’t be. And… I love Lukas, but not how I love you. I love him the way I loved Leo. The way I still love Leo. He’s family to me, and maybe that’s why I was so desperate to try and get close to him.” To my continued mortification, I sniffled again. The little black kitty, who I’d started to think of as mine, opened his eyes and blinked at me. A tiny meow slipped out, and he extracted himself from the cuddle pile and moved closer to me, snuggling in under my chin.
“So these are happy tears?” Jax reached for me and brushed them off my cheek.
Until he had, I didn’t even realize I’d started crying again.
“Yes?” My voice wavered. My happiness was a fragile, bittersweet thing.
There was a time when I thought I’d never be happy again. And I almost felt guilty about how good I felt now, but even when I leaned into that emotion, it evaded me, like it wasn’t meant for me.
“Awww, Ashy,” Blue crooned and snuggled me closer.
I loved that he knew there was nothing he could say or needed to say. My feelings were all over the place. A complicated mix of happiness, melancholy, and almost-guilt had me feeling like I’d been through a storm and had been battered on the rocks.
“I’ll order pizza.” Jax got up and found his phone and placed an order for a couple large pizzas, one cheese, one meat lovers, and some ranch dip for the crust. We ate in Blue’s bed, and three sleepy kittens joined us to give momma cat a break.
