God, he sounded so normal. He looked so normal. Like he didn’t hate me for kissing him. Like nothing had changed between us at all. And maybe it hadn’t for him, but my life had been mixed up like the contents of a blender ever since.
“Uh, not right now.” I stepped into the room and shut the door behind me. “Can I talk to you?”
“Of course.” Lukas motioned to the couch he kept in his office. It was leather and comfortably worn in, and I hated howmuch I loved it, even while knowing how many people had fucked on it.
I sat on the other end, as far away from him as possible and wrung my hands together, struggling to find the words I needed.
“Is this about your scene the other day? I know we haven’t touched base since then. Did you get my messages?”
I shook my head. “No. I mean yes, I got them, but this isn’t about that.”
“Okay, well, tell me what happened.”
I glanced at him, not even able to look him in the eyes properly because I was suddenly so ashamed of myself. “I fucked up.”
“Unless you killed someone, I’m pretty sure you couldn’t have fucked up that badly. Did you kill someone, Asher?”
Ugh. Leave it to Lukas to try and lighten the mood with jokes. He reminded me of Leo when he did that.
“No. Ugh. I said some shit to Sawyer. Some shit that was fucking mean, okay. And he was fucking nice about it, mostly, which was even worse.” God, I really was a piece of shit at times. Hurt flashed in Lukas’s eyes, then worry, then confusion. Then more hurt. The hurt was the worst.
“He said this would be better coming from me, and that if I didn’t tell you by tonight, he was going to.”
“He wasn’t wrong.” Lukas sounded angry now. And this was before I told him any of the details. He was going to hate me for sure. “So now you can explain to me what you said, and why.”
I didn’t know how to tell him the why of it. There wasn’t a way for me to explain that I missed Leo and I missed him too, and that everything had felt fucked up since that kiss. That it was supposed to have been this big moment in my life. I’d built it up in my head, the magic of it. And there had been nothing there. No good feelings. No arousal. No warmth. Just a lingeringdisappointment that I couldn’t shake. But I still loved Lukas, and it was so fucking confusing.
I didn’t know how to tell him that kissing Jax and Blue had been what kissing him was supposed to have been for me. That somehow they got all the magic, and there was nothing left for Lukas. And that made me angry.
But I did know how to tell him what I said to Sawyer, so I did. I gave him the whole disgusting story. Of me seeing him and following him into the cafe for no reason. Of me launching my attack at him and how nice Sawyer was about the whole thing. About how his reaction was mostly concern for my relationship with Lukas. Which, judging from the look of disgust and betrayal on Lukas’s face, was definitely on life support.
And then finding out how Sawyer knew Lukas’s real name and it had never even occurred to me that Lukas wasn’t his real name. That had been the final blow to my fantasy. Sawyer knew things about Lukas that I’d never even thought to ask. There was no magic in that either.
Lukas let out a sigh, and I shrank in on myself, trying to make myself as small as I felt.
“I’m sorry,” I said to him. It didn’t feel like it was enough, though. It felt hollow and empty like the rest of me.
Lukas stood and, to my horror, he motioned for me to stand. Dread swelled, choking me.
“I know I’m probably fired and, like, not welcome here anymore, but?—”
“Good grief, Asher. Am I happy with you? Not particularly, but you’re young, you’re going to fuck up. You’re going to do stupid shit, and that’s why I’ve tried to keep you around. So I could look out for you and try to keep you from making big dumb mistakes like I did. Now get over here.” Lukas slung an arm around my shoulders when I managed to move closer to him. His words were a mercy I didn’t deserve but took anyway.
Lukas steered me over to his desk and sat me down in his chair. He closed out the editing software and pulled up something else.
“What’s this?”
“It’s the book Sawyer has been working on for me. It’s not finished, but it’s finished enough for you to get a first impression of it.”
I looked up at Lukas and blinked. Confused as fuck and unsure what to do about it.
“I want you to sit here and read it,” Lukas said.
I glanced at the screen and made a mental note of the page count before turning back to Lukas. “All of it?”
“Every word.”
“Why?”
