“If you get him out of here and into some clothes, I’ll go raid the fridge in the green room,” Blue said.
For a moment, it was nice to be taken care of. It wasn’t like I hadn’t had that. Everyone had really rallied around me after Leo died. They checked on me and made sure I was eating and sleeping. That I was okay for money and food and stuff. But slowly, one by one, everyone drifted away again.
“Lukas will be pissed if he finds out we didn’t take proper care of him,” Blue said and maybe he didn’t mean for his words to hurt, and maybe they shouldn’t have, but they felt like ice picks stabbing into my soul. Like I was only worth his time or energy because Lukas asked for me to matter to him.
To say that it stung was an understatement. But I went through the motions if for no other reason than I was too fucking exhausted to argue. I let Jax pull me to my feet and steer me out of the shower and dry me off. I managed to pull my own clothes on and when Blue came back a minute later, I pasted on a happy face and stuffed down as much food down as I could manage, which wasn’t much.
I could tell that they knew something was off with me, but I kept my smile going and I ate until a stone had formed in my stomach, preventing another bite from going down. I needed to make my excuse to leave, tell them I wanted to go home and sleep. Mostly, though, I wanted to burrow under my blankets like I’d done after Leo died, and I didn’t want to come out.
Maybe ever.
“I’m going to get going,” I told them.
Jax looked at Blue and Blue looked back at him, and between them they had a conversation like that. Subtle shifts of facial expressions. Tightening of mouths and narrowing of gazes. And none of it meant anything to me. It was a conversation that I wasn’t invited to.
“Did you want to come back to my place and watch movies?” Jax asked. Clearly he lost whatever game of rock, paper, scissors they’d played mentally.
“Nah. I’ve got some shit at home to take care of, but I’ll see you guys later.”
“Are you okay?” Blue asked like he cared about the answer.
Maybe he did. I wasn’t being fair, but I didn’t feel like being fair. Maybe if Lukas had loved me back. Maybe if kissing him had been as good as kissing Jax or Blue. Maybe if they wanted to be around me for more reasons than easing Lukas’s guilt for hurting my feelings. Maybe if Lukas wanted me around for reasons that had nothing to do with Leo and how close they’d been.
I’d genuinely started to feel like no one wanted me around for reasons that had to do with me. Lukas only had me around because of Leo, and now Jax and Blue were only being nice because of Lukas. No one seemed to want me around because of me. Their reasons were all connected to someone else.
I dug deep and put on the face that had got me through many bad days after Leo died.
“I’m fine,” I said with a confidence that I didn’t feel. “I’ll see you guys soon. Thanks for today, it was… it was better than I’d imagined.”
“Ash—” Jax started to say something, but I ducked out of the room.
“See you later,” I called out, half hoping one of them would come after me.
No one did.
THIRTEEN
JAX
It waslike Ash slammed a door between us, locked it, and threw away the key. I’d expected nothing less from Blue, who was notorious for the walls he threw up between himself and other people. But one minute, Asher was enjoying himself and the next he’d lit out of there like his ass was on fire.
I couldn’t ask Lukas about it because Asher wasn’t exactly hanging around his house much, not the way he used to. And how did I know this? Because I’d developed a sudden interest in checking in on Lara. You know, being a fan of dogs and all. It was a shit excuse, but Lukas never called me on it.
We were both worried about him, but neither one of us knew what to do about it. At least Lukas had his secret project to keep him busy. I’d stopped by earlier and found that he wasn’t home, but instead of doing the sensible thing and leaving, I took Lara for a walk then made myself useful by cleaning up the debris in the back yard that had been scattered by high winds the other night.
I was just finishing piling all the branches and twigs in the fire pit when the back door opened and Lukas stepped out, holding a couple of beers.
“I hope one of those is mine, or I might have to host an intervention for you.” I dusted my hands off on my shorts and joined him on the deck.
“Not that I don’t appreciate it, but what are you doing here, Jax?” Lukas handed me a beer then leaned on the railing of the deck.
“Stopped by. Took your dog for a walk.”
“Against her will, I’m sure.” Lukas smiled down at her as she lowered herself to the deck, her heavy tail sweeping back and forth across the deck boards.
I huffed a laugh and took a sip of the beer. “She would have rather stayed home, but I made her go all the way around the block.”
“Torture.”
