“You need to rest, you’re exhausted. Please hold me, Liam, hold me. I beg you.”
She tries to wrap my limp arms around her, but I can’t bring myself to hold her.
It’ll hurt, it always hurts.
“Let’s get some sleep. Give me a chance to wake up next to you every morning.” Her hands reach around my waist, her head to my chest as she peers up at me with a hundred tears for too many lifetimes.
My hands fist her hair, and I bring her closer to me and crash my lips to hers, her breath of relief leaving her slowly. I kiss her with everything I have, our tongues tasting what we know we will never find in anyone else. A love like this is impossible to find again.
I break our kiss. “No, baby. You had already made that promise.” I pant through my heavy breaths, my tears threatening to spill, but I’m a man, I’m a fucking man… or maybe a coward. A coward too hurt at the sting of all of this. It’s too intense.
I pull out her shirts, pants and throw them in her suitcase, and wrap a scarf around her with trembling hands and emotions I can barely contain. “I promised to keep you safe, but now I need to protect myself from you.”
Her tears slip and break, her heart shattering to the ground, with mine. The understanding that I’m letting her go, hitting herand I don’t want to hurt her, but I can’t lose her again… and it’s easier to set her free.
“No… no, Liam, please. No, I finally understand what it means to truly love someone. I love you. I love you so much. I did it to protect you, Liam. I wanted to help.”
Her panic is breaking me. “I can’t do this, Sara. I can—I fucking can’t. Don’t you see it? You’re destroying me! You had the best version of me, and you didn’t keep it. I would’ve protected you, Sara. You just had to trust me. Why did you put yourself in that danger? How do I keep you if you can keep yourself away from me?”
She clings to me, desperate, her nails digging into my chest. “Liam… I was so scared to lose you, you had already been shot. I thought I was doing the right thing. I never wanted to be away from you. I love you too much, please.”
“You and I both know that wasn’t the right thing to do!” I slam my fist into the wall, and she stumbles back, falling to her knees, fear in her eyes. Sobs louder by the second…
“Sara…” I crouch to her, but she doesn’t look up. She’s broken. I broke her. I knew I could never be who she needed me to be.
Clutching her by the nape and pressing my forehead to hers, I fall to my knees, my tears now mingling with hers as I whisper, “you’re better off without me. You’re safe now.”
“No, Liam. No.” She sobs quietly. “I’ll never be better without you. Never. Never without you.” She screams of pain and I hate this, but I can’t stop the train of devils taking me on this ride, parading my fears in a mockery of survival.
“You’ve made that decision for the both of us.” She yells and pushes at my chest, pain laced with unforgiving tears. All her tears carry the sound of her broken heart. A haunting melody burying me alive as she continues, “I know I’m re-reckless, but I’ve never been more scared than when I thought I might not come back to you. That fear kept me alive, it was that fear thatpushed me to do what I did… but now I wish I had never, and I mean never, come back to you. Never gave my heart to you, my body, everything!” Her face is twisted in agony.
“I don’t regret anything, Sara, for what it’s worth, I’ll always love you.” At that, she zips her suitcase close, unable to control her sobs and storms out of the house.
Voices, time, seconds— all warp into one. Joe’s voice and hers in the background haunting my every thought.
I can’t do this. I can’t do this.
My knees are stuck to the rotating ground. I destroyed everything that means the most to me, because having to survive without her is too hard, too fragile, too consuming and I’d rather learn how to live without her.
I’ll learn. I will.
“You’re going to let her walk away?” I don’t turn around to look into Joe’s eyes. I can’t move. “You’re letting her walk away, Liam? Do you know how hard it was for her to watch me walk away?”
I spin, our gazes locking on each other. He sees the pain I’m in. I want to scream and break everything.
“Go get her, she’s all yours.” I mumble.
“No way, man. Get up.” Joe storms to my side, pulls me up, and grabs me by the shirt. “What are you doing?” He grits his teeth in my face.
“She should’ve let me protect her! Not leave me!” I scream, pushing him away from me. Feeling sick with myself, disoriented by my own choices.
My vision is becoming blurry. I’ve carried everyone’s expectations of me… all the time, every day, and I’m drowning. I’m finally submerged.
“At the risk of dying for you, asshole!” He smacks me against the wall, but it does nothing to calm the voices.
“Exactly! I can’t lose her when she’s choosing to risk us. I can’t. I can’t.” I breathe, sinking to my knees, cupping my face in my hands, my heart shattering.
“So, you break her heart instead? What’s wrong with you? How do you not see you’re doing the same thing? She was heroic about it— You’re a coward!”
