‘Did she do something?’ he asks.
I can see his neck is straining at the thought of her hurting me. He gulps harshly, waiting for more information before he strikes. It’s taking everything in him not to react harder.
‘Nothing physical. Nothing that bad mentally, either. She’s a lovely person, but she reminded me that it couldn’t last. None of this can last. I’m using people for content, chewing them up and then spitting them out like some weird, predatory writing machine.’
I slump onto the table, sweeping the array of treats Noah’s way as my arms shroud my head in distress.
‘You’re not a predator.’ His voice is firm as he reaches out and strokes my arm for comfort.
‘I kind of am.’ I mutter into my arms. ‘Lina said—’
‘Lina knew you for six days,’ he tuts.
I rip my face from the table to find his nostrils flaring.
‘And she clearly didn’t know you at all if she could look you in the eye and think you wereanythingbut a bloody ray of sunshine that she should be so lucky to—’
He trails off, gulping down the rest of his words. I watch his Adam’s apple bob as they disappear down his throat and I feel myself long for what was to come next. My breath quivers.
‘But she made some good points,’ I say, trying to snap back into focus. ‘Do you think my column’s unethical?’
Tears prick at the corners of my eyes as I picture Lina’s face when she mentioned my column. My chest seizes. She was right. I know she was. I’ve just been avoiding the obvious for far too long.
‘I enter into all these dates knowing that nothing can happen, and that in a few days I’ll be moving on to the next. I waste their time and get their hopes up for nothing, all so I can use their stories for my own financial gain. Even if I like someone I just, what? Move on anyway?’
My eyes are drawn to him, remembering that first night in his kitchen. I may have been lost in the drinks and the moonlight and the excitement of it all, but, as I stare at him now, I know the truth. I didn’t want to move on from him.
‘It’s all so pointless.’ I watch the sun hit his face. ‘I’ll come back from this trip having dated, sure, but I’ll never find love. Not like you.’
He blinks back, confused. ‘Like me?’
The words are light, whisper-thin, but the weight of them is palpable. His eyes run over me timidly – it’s the first time he’s cowered in this conversation and the honesty of it sends me into a tailspin. I can’t do this. I can’t ruin this. I take a sip of my Fanta as I wash down the lump in my throat and shake myself back to normality.
‘Yeah, like you and your mission!’ I say, a little too chirpily. ‘You’llhave a girlfriend in no time.’
A small smile graces my lips, nervous but sure. Sure enough to have him mirror it with an only slightly shaky laugh.
‘We’ll see,’ he says. ‘I might be broken. But you, Amorie, you certainly are not. Regardless of what Lina said, you’re putting yourself out there, trying new things, and captivatingan audience of fans. Your voice is special and definitely not unethical. You’re dating just like anyone else would.’
A real laugh leaves my lips this time.
‘I’m doing eighty dates in six months,’ I say. ‘It’s hardly what anyone else would do.’
His smile meets mine, true and clear, stretching mine even further, pushing it past limits I wasn’t sure were possible with my mood. ‘Okay, fine, notexactlylike anyone else would... But the premise is still the same. Do you go into every first date in your life thinking it will last for ever?’ I shake my head, my eyes still refusing to leave his. He watches closely, just as locked in. A shot of warmth hits my stomach. ‘Of course not. Not many do. It would be nice if it did, obviously. But for a first date, it’s really not that deep. You’ve never promised anyone anything and you’ve told anyone that you’ve been intimate with about the column... right?’
I nod, this time. Sam and Lina knew exactly what the situation was before we got into bed.
‘But I wasn’t the one to tell them – someone else did, both times,’ I say.
‘And yet they’re still the only people you went all the way with. Sounds pretty ethical to me. Plus, I’ve read your column. You’ve changed enough details and dramatised the dates enough to not be intrusive. You have nothing to worry about.’ He breaks eye contact to reach across the table for the egg-mayo sandwich, before promptly shoving it my way. ‘Now eat something substantial.’
I follow his order dutifully. He watches me take my first bite, chew and swallow before he goes back to making his own selection. My chest starts to decompress, head lightening the longer we meet each other’s eyes and I feel the words tumble out of my mouth before I can control them.
‘I love you.’
I freeze.
I didn’t mean to say it, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t mean it. The love burns its way through me every single time we’re together.
