PAIGE:Srsly, I’m obsessed.
I start to type a reply, but my phone buzzes to life in my hand.
‘How did you think of that?’ Paige says without so much as a hello. ‘It’s genius, a subversion of the genre... Like those stories overSubway Surfers, but way more on trend.’
‘And a massive overshare,’ Sara reminds us.
‘Am I on loudspeaker?’ Paige asks.
‘Nope, just loud,’ I say. ‘I’ll switch you over though, one sec... Okay, you’re live.’
‘I’m serious, Squeak, it’s a masterclass in comebacks. I’m bookmarking it to show to my team,’ she continues.
‘It was reckless,’ Sara scolds us both.
‘It was an accident!’ I blurt out the truth.
Paige goes silent. Sara stares at me. I feel my breath tremble.
‘Come again?’ Paige asks over the speaker.
‘The audio was supposed to be muted. I was supposed to overlay a track. I thought I had, I don’t know.’
I cast my brain back to our antics last night. I went to make cuts to the video and decided it was smooth enough without, so all I had to do was whack a track over the top. Jane and I spent ages listening through options in theTop 50 Trendingtab, but we got really bored by number fourteen. So, Jane popped down the road for some M&S tinnies and we turned it into a bit of a drinking game...
‘I see what happened.’ I mutter this to myself gravely.
‘I’d put money on it involving booze?’ Sara asks.
I nod shamefully and watch as her face grows taut.
She sighs. ‘Am. It was a Sunday.’
I try my best to shrug her judging eyes off.
‘I work in hospitality. This week, Sunday was my Friday,’ I say unabashedly.
Paige giggles over the line. I’m pretty sure the reminder of her presence is the only thing stopping Sara from murdering me.
‘This is brilliant,’ Paige says.
I sigh. ‘This is mortifying.’
‘Accident or not, it’s acultural moment,’ Paige says.
It’s so funny talking to Paige about social media, considering it’s part of her job. Usually she does her best to separate work from life, but you get her chatting long enough and her PR-mogul hat comes on. I’m sure she’s at her desk right now frothing at the mouth as she clicks through the visible stats of my post.
‘You’ve kicked off a wider conversation on dating in the modern age. Youneedto capitalise on this.’
I wish I could share her excitement, but all I can feel is my body growing cold. My abysmal sex life has been posted and reposted all over Instagram. People have already made Canva graphics and started think pieces in their comments section. And, yeah, my face wasn’t in that one video, but it’sall over the rest of my page. And I can already see the views on the rest of my videos inflating as people stalk.
‘What I need is to bury my head in the sand and disappear until this blows over,’ I groan.
‘Absolutely not!’ Paige’s squeal makes the phone speaker shake. ‘I’m gonna send some emails – leave this with me.’
. . .a game plan
I have had videos do well. I have attracted comments and even debate before. But I have never experienced the kind of virality I have experienced this last week. And I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
