The words knock the wind from my body.
‘Well, n-no. Not in those words, anyway. I guess what I’m saying is that we don’t need to follow each rule word for word. We’re past that.’
He simmers down with me. ‘Yeah, I guess you’re right. Maybe we go through them and make some adjustments before we head out on our next leg.’
My stomach twists further, breath expelled in a shaky exhale. I drop my eyes to the water, still bright blue, still glistening. I think of Sam’s words last night, of how settled I felt when the two of us came to a damning conclusion. I don’t feel as sure right now, but if I don’t act now I never will. I look back up at Noah and his face shifts to something far more perturbed.
‘Fine,’ he says. ‘We don’t have to change them. I just thought that was what you wanted.’ He shrugs it off, scanning my face, expecting me to do the same.
‘No, that’s not it. The rules are... fine. I just...’ I gulp once more, attempting to quell my nerves. ‘I think we should stop travelling together. Do the rest of our time separately.’
He blinks in disbelief, trying to piece the words together.
‘Why would we do that?’ he asks.
I have to look away. ‘Well, it’s been three months and I still haven’t actually solo travelled, and now that you have El, it seems like a good time to try.’ I can feel the words shake as they leave my mouth.
‘I don’t understand.’ He stops me, grappling for words. ‘I thought we had something good going on.’
‘We did!’ I catch the past tense. ‘We do. I just... I don’t know, I think it’s for the best. I set out here to travel alone and I need to prove to myself that I can actually do it. Plus, I’ve still got like, forty-two dates to go on... I could do without you slowing me down.’
I smile, but he doesn’t smile back. He fakes a small one, but it’s so obviously fake – almost identical to my own weak attempt at levity.
‘What will I do without you?’ he asks.
I can’t let him get to me. I can’t have him make me regret doing this. So I shrug. ‘I’m sure we’ll stay in touch; we have each other’s numbers and socials. Plus you’ve got El.’
‘Yeah, but El’s not you,’ he says, sullen.
The statement sparks anger in me once again. ‘No, El’s not me. El’s the girl you have feelings for. The girl you left me in Milan to go and date.’
He pauses, taken aback. ‘You told me to.’
‘I gave you the option, and you took it. Now you’re dating. Travel with her.’
I don’t intend the words to come across as scathing as they do, but even I’m shocked at the venom that spouts out my mouth. His features fold in, shrinking as I stare him down in the sea. We’re speechless; torso-deep in the bubble we’ve made.
He breaks the silence with a question. ‘Are you sure this is what you want?’
Of course I’m not. We were not meant to end like this. But I fell in love and he met El, and this is all that is left.
‘Yeah, I’m sure,’ I say. ‘I’ve booked a ticket, leave first thing tomorrow morning.’
He recoils, popping back to life. ‘That’s so soon.’ He opens his mouth, closes it, swallows, then tries again. ‘Well, I wish you the best.’ He smiles. ‘Safe travels, can’t wait to read all about the rest of your dates.’
He’s almost robotic in delivery, the cheerfulness painted over a shaky, uneven and transparent surface.
‘Thank you, same goes for you!’ I choose to join his farce. ‘I’m sure I’ll see the rest of your trip all over El’s Insta.’
He laughs at the joke. It’s empty. I give an empty smile back and the two of us hold them, pretending we’re okay. My heart breaks as we do, but I know it’s for the best. I have over half my dates left and I can’t do them hung up on my travel buddy.
We head back to the shore in silence, listening to nothing but the sound of our legs pulling through the water. They tug at the waves, muddle through and come out on the sand as we leave the ocean, and our months together, behind.
I went to Seville and all I got was...
. . .a birthday party
Around the World in 80 Dates
