What the fuck was he doing? We were surrounded by nothing, no cities close by, no cars, and he was going into the forest.
I jumped out of the car and ran after him. It took me a few minutes to catch up. When I did, I grabbed his shoulder and turned him around.
“What the fuck are you doing?” I demanded, a nervous edge in my voice.
All the words on the tip of my tongue dissolved to ash when I looked at him. There was something raw and fierce in his expression. He was breathing unevenly, and his eyes were unfocused. There was a dangerous gleam underneath everything else. A sense of panic took over me, but somehow I knew he wouldn't hurt me even if my brain screamed to run.
I put my hand on his shoulder, but he flinched, so I removed it as fast as possible.
“Please,” he whispered. “Please just leave me alone for a minute.”
The rawness in his voice cut deeper than I thought possible. He stumbled, then leaned both hands on the nearest tree. It was obvious he was having a panic attack. The forest air suddenly felt too still around us. The wind and his ragged breathing was the only sound surrounding us. I was stunned but I couldn’t bear to watch him like this. I couldn’t bear leaving him alone in whatever place his mind trapped him in. I didn’t know how to help him, and I sure as hell didn’t know why I did what I did next.
Chapter thirteen
Dagon
I’d always known I had a messed-up mind. It was my reality when I was a kid, and it was the same reality now. Sometimes, the twisted parts of me served me well – if I let them. Other times, they were my greatest nightmare. Right now, it felt like a curse.
I prided myself on my self-control and stony composure, yet they were nowhere to be found now.
My head was pulsing with that familiar pressure. Darkness swirled inside my mind, and I fought to hold onto the fragile thread of control. I was tangled in the need to unleash the darkness, to destroy everything I could touch.
I yearned to obliterateeverything.Including myself.
At the same time, I was stuck in the torture of my memories. I choked on the ashes of all that I lost. Ashes… that was all I had. And even those were scattered, leaving me with nothing but ghosts.
I was alone.
It was what I deserved.
The darkness felt more and more like a comfort. I was slipping through the cracks of my insanity, and I knew I needed to regain control before it was too late.
I needed to break free of these memories. Erase them. Eradicate them from my mind. Build an impenetrable wall. But the truth was no matter what I tried, it was never enough.
As I struggled, too wrapped up in my emotions, arms wrapped around me tightly from behind. One of Di's hands crossed my chest, the other rested lightly at my stomach. The touch was gentle but also grounding. He pulled me back from the edge just by holding me as I was falling apart.
I didn’t deserve it, but I didn’t push him away.
My body relaxed into his. Our cheeks brushed, and the contact sent shockwaves through me. His body tensed for a second before relaxing against mine. I turned slightly, burying my face in the crook of his neck, and breathed in deeply.
He smelled like the woods and the sea – a mixture of the two most beautiful places in this world.
The memories of the two worst days of my life washed away as the scent of Diablos became all that I knew. The fog in my mind lifted slowly. Eventually, the weight on my chest lessened, and I could breathe.
Still, the lingering horrors lurked at the back of my mind, waiting for the perfect moment to resurface. Maybe that's why I turned in Di's arms and hugged him. I didn't expect him to return the hug. I knew very well what kind of person I'd been to him all these years.
Yet he held me. Tightly.
He held me up when I didn’t have the strength to stand.
This time, it was him who buried his face in my neck. I wanted to thread my fingers through his hair, to feel the soft brown strands. But part of me was terrified to move and shatter the moment.
To have him in my arms like this... how many times had I imagined it?
A hug.
That’s all I sometimes wanted.
