He tipped his head to the ceiling. “And what would yours pass as? Unlivable? A psych ward?”
My lips flattened. “Uh-huh.” I rolled my neck and looked out the window. “What did you want to talk about? I have to pick up Angel in an hour.”
“How are things going with you two?” he asked after a few seconds of strained silence.
“They’ve just started,” I answered, moving to the window. Margie’s Place was just down the docks, and I kept my eyes onthe teal painted sign as one of the servers—Monty, I think—put the chairs around the patio tables. Other servers were putting two white roses in vases, then placing them in the center of each table. They were preparing for the celebration of life dinner tonight. Angel was in charge of the menu. She was nervous as hell, but I promised her she would have her moment of peace before the event. “She’s going through a lot.”
“She’s been through a lot,” he noted. “So have you.”
I looked over my shoulder at him. “That’s life.”
“Yes.”
My arms folded themselves over my chest, and I sighed through my nose, turning to him. “What did you have to say to me, Hayes?”
He dropped his head, staring at his shoes. “I was fucking pissed at you,” he whispered.
“Trust me, I gathered that when you slammed me against the wall,” I deadpanned.
He straightened. “Yes, and since that day, my actions have been eating at me. I shouldn’t have done that, Ash. My anger got the best of me. For the first time in a long time. That’s not an excuse, but when it comes to you—to you and Angel—I carry a certain pain that’s hard for me to deal with.”
My arms dropped. “What do you—”
“We almost lost you,” he cut me off, his voice hard. “Wedidlose you. Gray found you, and then you died on us. Twice. Fuck, it haunts me. When you do stupid shit, careless fucking shit, like messing with explosives on missions, there’s a fear that strangles me, Doss.” He stood. “Every day, I grieve my flight crew and everyone on that C-17. Their memories linger in the back of my mind, and I am dealing with a detrimental amount of survivor’s guilt. Margo? Fuck, that woman helped me see the light after years of punishing myself. She guided me to answers Dominicwould have never been able to find. Then again, I never let him in.”
“Hayes—”
He held up his hand. “When you coded that first time, a part of my soul died, and then the second time, I figured it was some sort of twisted punishment. Fuck, Grayson felt the same. Then when you told us about her, everything shifted. We watched a part ofyoursoul die with every dead end. The more time passed, the more of a ghost you became. You put on a show for everyone, joked and laughed, but then you would chase danger as if it owed you something. You wanted to die, didn’t you?”
My throat bobbed. “For a time, yes. I didn’t see the point of going on if I couldn’t find her.”
“Why?”
“Why?” I repeated. “What do you mean? Because I failed her.”
“Angel wasn’t the first you couldn’t save. She wasn’t Red Snake’s first failure, Doss, and unfortunately, she isn’t the last. You know this—or I thought you did.” He moved closer, running a hand through his hair. “So why her? Why was she the tipping point?”
I bit down, grinding my teeth. “You wouldn’t understand.”
“Try me,” he challenged.
I moved away from the window and leaned against the wall, watching Margo’s ceiling fan rotate. “When I was seven or eight, my Nonna sat me down and told me a story ofanima gemella.Twin souls. Soulmates.” I dropped my eyes, the memories of that day rushing back to me. “We were actually just a few miles away from here when she told the story. My parents had dropped me off at her house for the summer, to help her with her garden and harvesting. As the weeks went by, more of my cousins showed up. One afternoon, she made all of us sit at her feet on the porch, and she told us the story of our grandfather. She said that the stars created a person for everyone on this planet, a soul tomatch yours, a heart to love forever. She said, ‘Each of us has a soulmate, Asher. In some lifetimes, we don’t find them, but in others, they find us. When that happens, don’t you lose them. If you lose your soulmate, the sun inside you will die.’”
After a moment, I looked up, finding him in the same place, listening intently.
“I asked Nonna how we would know when we find our soulmate, and she said I would feel it in the heart of my soul. Of course, I didn’t know what the fuck that meant.” Anger simmered in my blood. “Until I locked eyes with Angel when she was chained to that fucking bed,” I growled.
Realization dawned on his face, and he opened his mouth to say something, but I beat him to it.
“Look, I know you’re logical and always will be. You don’t believe in this spiritual shit, and for a while there, I didn’t believe in it either. I stopped looking for my soulmate just before I joined the SEALs. I figured my Nonna was just telling stories. But when I saw Angel? When my eyes met hers…Hayes, everything snapped into place for me. I don’t know how else to explain it. She’s mine. She’ll always be mine, even when she doesn’t want me.”
“I believe in more than you and the others think,” he replied, a small smile on his face. “Trust me.” When I didn’t respond, he tacked on, “When you left without telling anyone, I was pissed. Pissed you didn’t come to me, pissed you left us.” He stood. “After what happened in Devils Den, we made a promise to each other—all of us—that we would communicate.”
My jaw tightened. “I know.”
His gaze hardened. “Your life is your life, but it’s also tied to four others. Four people who care about you, who love you, who all lost their shit when you were in the ICU. You leaving wasn’t fair to us. We deserved to know why.”
“I went after him,” I said, monotone.
