She sometimes cursed me out for this. But we loved each other. As much as two people from broken families can.
No one touched the topic of my job anymore.
Margaret floated in and out. She hung up coats, passed drinks, refilled dishes. The table was a festive mess, colors and tastes bleeding together. Katrina and Jazz exchanged a conspiratorial glance. "Kimmy, you're staying for dessert, right? Mom baked a cake!"
For a flicker of a moment, I was transported back in time and I saw the girl I used to be, blending in without effort, playing along. But now...
It wasn't easy. It was something I couldn't pretend my way into anymore. The more they pressed, the more I felt myself slipping. The instincts screamed for me to get away.
I didn't belong.
I was dirty and used and had no business being here.
My forced laugh scattered every time I tried to participate, thin and nervous, above the happy chatter.
Katrina tugged on Jazz's sleeve, drawing his attention like a diva calling the paparazzi. "I've got to blow out the candles." I watched them, puzzled at their ease. Jazz flexed like a superhero reaching for the stars, bringing them down just for her. It seemed like a dance they'd practiced for weeks. Like nothing I'd ever have. I lingered at the edges, letting their joy wash over me, knowing this was as close to happiness as I could get.
June recorded a video and Rachel took photos.
When all candles were dealt with, Jazz threw a big arm around Katrina's shoulders. His effortless intimacy was almost impossible to watch. Shegiggled and rolled her eyes, but it was infectious. It swept through the room like wildfire.
As Jazz poured a drink for Katrina, Margaret watched him closely, nodding with approval. The warmth was everywhere. It pulled me in, dragged me under, but it felt foreign, almost unbearable.
After the cake, Margaret caught me alone in the kitchen where I scoured her cabinets for some Tylenol.
"I'm so glad you came, dear," she said.
"Why wouldn't I?"
"Are you feeling alright?" she asked, seeing me going through her pill bottles.
"Headache."
Margaret pushed the bottles around and retrieved the medication from the very back of the cabinet. Then she poured me some water into her mug with a faded picture of Snoopy and the wordsWorld's Best Mom. We'd given it to her on her sixtieth.
"You should be dating too," she suddenly ventured.
"Where did that come from, Mom?"
"Nowhere." She shrugged. "You're young and pretty and very smart. Is it a crime to want a nice young man for my daughter?"
I wanted to make a joke, say that she and my therapist probably talked about me behind my back. But I held it in. Margaret didn't know about my therapy or about what had happened three years ago. I wasn't sure if I'd be able to keep it that way forever. But the chances she would randomly think of requesting police records of the case or just look up my name online were extremely low. She didn't pry into our lives beyond an occasional check-in. And the case wasn't publicized anywhere. No one remembered except for the handful of powerful people in this city, who made sure I'd never work in any reputable event planning boutique because they erased me from existence completely to cover up their asses.
"Well, I gave it a shot, Mom." I tried to keep my voice casual. "Unfortunately, most guys I went out with were scumbags."
"Then don't date a scumbag," she said, unflinching. "Find someone like Jazz." She jerked her chin toward the family room where everyone was gathered.
I laughed.
"Silly girl." She shook her head.
"Mom, that guy is a show-off."
Margaret moved closer, her arm around me. "And he loves her."
My heart felt thin and fragile under her touch, but for the first time inmany many months I didn't pull away. I accepted the warmth she offered. And it felt good. It felt real, even if the feeling was fleeting.
The kitchen was bright, the afternoon sun turning the lace curtains to a sheer of sparkles. Outside, I could see the neighbor's kid skateboarding in the driveway, falling and getting back up like it was his job. I envied his resilience. Their bulldog was chasing after the kid.
