“We’ve only been seeing each other for a year.”
“But you love her, right?”
“Yes. I thought I did, but then if I really did, I’d be excited, not terrified of how my life will never be the same.”
“Life is never going to stand still, man. We know that better than most.”
White lost his dad when he was in high school. It’s kind of why he was able to be there for me when my parents died. He could relate.
“How did you do it?”
“Do what?”
“Choose to raise your brothers. You could have had them live with your aunt Peggy, or those relatives who popped up trying for custody, but you chose not to. Why?”
“We were a family, and nothing matters more than that. You might not have planned to start your family now, like this, but it’s started. That baby is your family.”
“What if I’m a terrible father and the kid grows up to hate me?”
“Okay, now we’re getting to the real reason you’re freaking out.”
His ice bath beeps, signaling for him to get out.
“It’s a possibility,” he says, climbing from the tub and slipping into a warm robe.
“The fact you’re worried about that proves the opposite.”
“You think?”
“I know. And I’m the captain, so you have to listen to me.”
“Okay,” he sighs. “Fuck, I’m going to be a dad.”
“You’re going to be a dad,” I parrot, and a smile teases at his lips.
“I should call Sam.”
“Yeah, you should,” I say, and he leaves me to finish my ice bath alone. My mind goes back to the second week after my parents died. I got home from a really fucking hard day at the rink. I was all over the place. The coaches were taking it easy on me, and I was pissed off that everyone was treating me differently. I walked into the house and David and Benji were fighting. Punching on in the living room, smashing into the coffee table, the bookshelves, destroying the home that our parents made for us. I thought for the first time, “I can’t do this.”
It wasn’t the last time I had that thought either. But I’d take a beat, count to ten, and then just do something. Anything. In that first instance it was to pick up the ugly vase my father’s mother had given them as a wedding gift and throw it against the far wall. Both the boys froze and turned their attention to me.
“Mom always hated that thing,” I said, and then they laughed, and for a while everything was okay. I didn’t turn to smashing things to solve all my problems, and thankfully neither did they. We agreedthat we’d never lay a hand on each other ever again, or act out as I had.
White had told me back then that it was probably good for the boys to see that I wasn’t fine either. Like them knowing I was hurting and messed up too made it okay for them to be. He’s going to make a great dad.
“You nearly done cooling down in there?” Luka asks, and right on cue, the timer sounds.
“Yep. So what are your plans later?”
“A few of the guys are grabbing burgers at the new place on Horton St. Want to go?”
“Sure, just give me ten to defrost, shower, and dress.”
“Do you want me to text the boys, see if they want to come with?”
“No need. They’re both out on dates,” I say, and he raises a brow.
“So you have an empty house?”
