Our bond flared, and I jerked forward, grabbing his wrist. “No.” Tingles instantly erupted at the contact, and I flinched. “Damn it.”
Aspen moved, cupping my cheek. “How can I help you?”
“By not touching me.”
Nothing changed in his face as he dropped his hand and scooted back, but sadness and an ugly acceptance shot through our bond, like he thought he deserved that reaction from me. And he did. Or he should.
Heavenly Hell! I should be able to feel my own emotions without questioning them or feeling the need to console him.
I dug my nails into my palms, shaking my head at the bathroom ceiling. “Do you really want to know?”
“Yes.”
“What would help is if I never met you.” I knew saying it would hurt him—hurt us—but I wasn’t holding back. “What would help is if you had been horrible to me every single second. If you had never come and helped me after my fight with my mom. If you had never kissed me or held me.” My voice rose as tears stung my eyes. “What would help is if it had been all you and not the stupid Hell Rune. I was falling in love with you!” My breath hitched. “You were everything I wanted, and then you ripped it all away.”
Aspen sat there, taking every word with a straight face as they pierced him. I didn’t want to feel it, but in a selfish, horrible way, it satisfied me to know my words hurt.
“I wish I could fully blame you. To call you a villain and write you out of my life, but I can’t. Because you weren’t all horrible, and some part of me is still holding onto that,” I admitted. “But why? How can I still have feelings for someone I barely know? Who seduced and used me for Lilith?”
Aspen bowed his head, shame flooding the guardian bond. “If you want an apology, I can give you one. If you want me to leave, you’ll never see my face again. If you want my life, I’ll happily give you a dagger. If you want my heart…” He lifted his head. “It’s already yours. But none of that will fix what I’ve done, so let me give you something you asked for in the beginning.”
I frowned as he held out his hand.
Curious despite myself, I grabbed it. He turned it over and clasped it with his other. “I’m Aspen, the first born angel. My mother was Miriam, the most powerful seer in the celestial world, and my father was a high-level demon I never knew. Lilith and Marcus murdered my mother and stole me when I was young.” He paused, sighing with relief. It was the first time he’d admitted that out loud to me without the Hell Rune interfering. “Lilith raised me as her son, and when I became old enough, she Hell Runed me to service her needs and follow all her orders. I was her son, her general, her slave, and her sexual relief.”
No. I had heard it in Lilith’s tone, but I didn’t want to believe it.
“Aspen—”
“Don’t, please. There’s more you need to know.”
There it was again. That self-loathing mixed with the feeling of deserved pain. I squeezed his hand, a small offering of support.
“I wasn’t allowed, nor could I care about or touch anyone else. Those were her orders, and they worked until Lilith stole a female angel and decided to keep her alive to lure in more angels. It was smart on Lilith’s part. The female was unsuspecting, beautiful, and powerful.” Aspen swallowed, glancing down and then back to my face as if working up the courage to finish his sentence.
I sensed a hint of fear from him. Whatever he was about to say next scared him more than admitting to being Lilith’s sex slave. I squeezed his hand again. He had revealed more of himself to me now than in all the months we’d known each other.
“Tell me.”
“I told you I loved her, and I did, in a way. I loved the idea of what we could’ve been if Lilith hadn’t fucked with our heads. I loved the little tastes of emotion I’d feel from her. But she died before we could truly understand what we had.”
I straightened, eyes widening.
“Nalini was my cordistella, Lucille.”
I sat back, releasing his hand. “Was that the secret Ronen had been talking about?”
Aspen nodded.
“But—we—why didn’t you ever tell me?”
He leaned forward, sliding a finger along my cheek. Tingles danced across my skin as he trapped me in his blue gaze. “Because she was my hopeless past, and you were my hopeful future.”
Speechless and frozen, I watched as his attention flicked to my lips, lingering there for a split second as desire flared before being smothered by his shame.
“She’s in the city, you know,” I said so softly, I secretly hoped he didn’t hear me. Why? After everything he had said and done to me, why did my stomach churn uncomfortably with that admittance?
“I remember.” He stood.
