Was I? Absolutely not. How was I supposed to tell Ren I fucked up and didn’t know where Oli was?
“I made a mistake I deeply regret,” I murmured into his shoulder instead.
He hummed and stroked my hair in a way that felt awesome. “Tell me, my big pancake.”
“Pancake? You know what, I’m not even going to ask.” I chuckled, a lightness chasing off some of the trash floating around in my head. Leave it up to Ren to bring me out of my funk.
“Oli says I’m good at making up nicknames. So, I’m gonna make up the best nicknames ever. He can be our little pancakeand you can be the big pancake. I can be the syrup that layers your soft bellies.”
My laughter grew. He was so drunk.
“This might not be the best time for a conversation. Come on, let’s get you to bed.” I led him toward the bedroom. He collapsed on the mattress and made an exhausted sound, so I worked on getting his shoes, socks, jeans, and shirt off until he was only in his white underwear.
He grumbled and held out his hands. “Come here, Pancake. Tell me what’s wrong?” His eyebrows furrowed. “Where’s the kitten? I like the kitten.”
“Me too.” I crawled back into his hug and fell against his chest, resting my cheek on his left pec. “I upset him.” I swallowed around the thick sense of regret in my throat. If I was telling Ren why, I needed to tell him the entire truth. It wasn’t fair to ask Oli to lie for me. “I snuck a protein smoothie Saturday morning.” I laughed. “It sounds like I’m a junkie.”
“You’re not,” Ren mumbled. He struggled to keep his eyes open but stared intently at me. “You’re flailing, but you can beat this. You’re so fucking strong.”
“Yeah. Oli caught me and he was upset with me. I... said some nasty things tonight when he asked if I was going to call that psych Pa recommended. I was cruel about his parents and called him a coward. But the truth is I’m the coward.”
Ren tried to sit up, but I used my strength to keep him lying down. I couldn’t look at his face while I said this. I refused to see the hurt and disappointment.
“I’m scared of what this means for football. But after I said those horrible things to Oli, I texted the psych. We made an appointment for tomorrow. I’m still scared, but I think I can fight this. You know?”
Silence sat heavy in the room and I exhaled, expecting him to tell me what an idiot I am. Instead, he pressed a kiss to my temple.
“Fear is a mean bitch. I was scared a lot when I was a kid.” He huffed and the smell of beer filled the air between us, but I didn’t mind because it was Ren. “But then, the fear turned to anger, and anger’s worse. Anger leaves behind scars. It destroys relationships and takes over your life if you let it. Trust me, I know from recent experience.” He giggled then. A grown man giggling shouldn’t be possible, but he was, and it had me laughing despite the serious conversation. “You and Oli knocked common sense into my head. Or maybe healed me is a better.... Um, what is the word?”
“Idiom?” I offered with a grin against his chest.
He snapped his fingers. “Yes! That!” He smoothed his hand over my head, and I closed my eyes, sucking in every bit of his loving like the affection whore I was. “Oli knows you didn’t mean it, but you should make it up to him. Mm-hmm. We’ll call him. Oh nooooo. My phone is in my jeans.”
I shook my head in amused disbelief and shifted even though I didn’t want to. I grabbed his phone and found Oli’s contact underKitten. I dialed and after a few rings, he answered.
“Hey.” His voice was small and sad, and the pain returned to my chest at the reminder of how much I’d hurt him.
“Hiiiii, kitty kit kitty kitten.” Ren’s voice went high pitched, and I winced.
Oli’s chuckle filled the air, and I breathed in the sound. “You’re drunk.”
“I’m not. Okay, just a teensy bit. Hey, I got our Kansas City here and he’s sooooo sorry. He loves you sooooo much and he’s going to see the duckie tomorrow.”
“Duckie?” Oli and I said at the same time.
“The doctor! Duh!”
I’d never thought I’d see Ren sayduhin my lifetime, but here we were.
“It’s a thing I used to call them when I went to them. Sounded better than the quack. Get it? Quack quack.” Ren made a wing with his right arm and flapped it, and I snorted. Oh yeah, he was drunk. Very fucking drunk. “Actually, I shouldn’t call him that, huh? Because you’re seeing the duckie. But don’t worry, Kansas. I’ve seen plenty of duckies in my time. Even as an adult.”
“Okay, baby.” I patted his chest. “You’ve had way too much to drink.” I cleared my throat and stared at the phone as though I could see Oli’s face. I couldn’t. The tears in his eyes from earlier replayed in my mind over and over again, and guilt squeezed my insides. “Oli, I’m sorry. I was a dick. A mean one. You’re not the coward, I am. Me. I’m so scared of going to this psych, of hearing what he’s going to say. But I’m doing it. I swear. I’m afraid he’s going to tell me I can’t use the meal plan I made with Hawthorn. Because it really is strict.”
Oli breathed out heavily. “Okay. Well, I need a break tonight.”
“Are you safe?” I whispered.
“Yeah. I’m staying at Barber’s house. I, um, called him and asked to spend the night, so we’re binge-watching some stupid show?—”
