I did everything that you asked of me. Everything. And the one fucking thing I asked for was to let me decide, to trust me enough to have important conversations with me. But just like everyone else, you treated me like a child, like I don’t know how to behave, like only the four of you knew what was best in that situation.
You kept me in the dark and made me feel like I was going crazy, like I’d lost a part of me. I was desperate to get you back, when I hadn’t even lost you. I went on an entire journey of heartbreak and loneliness when I didn’t have to. I didn’t haveto sit through your classes, silently crying. I didn’t have to cry myself to sleep. I didn’t have to make myself look so fucking desperate, trying to win you back.
Fuck, I bet you all loved that. Watching me flirt and tease, knowing that it all had a time limit. Knowing that when you chose to go no-contact with me that it would eventually end.
Well, I hope you’re fucking happy with yourselves.
I hate you. I hate all four of you.
A big wet drop lands on the page, blurring some of my earlier words, and I turn the page, even as my hand cramps.
I don’t think I can ever forgive you. The memory of the four of you walking away will be burned into my mind. You took something from me that day, and I’m not sure I can ever get it back. It’s like something is missing. Stolen.
I can’t be around you. I can’t. The pain is just too much. You’ve done nothing but betray me. You were supposed to keep me. You fucking chose me, then threw me away. I will never let you do that to me again.
My vision has gotten so blurry that I can only see the letter that I’m forming. My whole face feels hot and my hand is sweaty around my pen. With a deep and throbbing ache, my soul screams for more words, and I let them flow across the page, eventually transitioning to a rough sketch.
The backs of them as they walk away, leaving me in the grass. I use a narrator’s point of view and leave myself broken on the grass, arm stretched out, reaching for them. But they don’t look back.
They never look back.
Chapter 26
Xavier
Me:She is using the journal.
Derek:She had her meeting with Thayne today.
Hudson:How is she? Does she need anything?
I look across the table at our girl, her hand flying over the pages, a mix of words and drawings pouring from her. I doubt she’s even noticed that Oakley and I have both arrived. Or that food has been placed in front of her for nearly an hour now.
Reaching forward, I tuck some of the hair that has fallen into her eyes behind her ear. No reaction. This reminds me of the morning she drew for the four of us. Completely lost to her work. But this is more. Deeper. Harsher.
Me:She needs us. She’s fighting it.
Darcy:Xavier. No. Not until she is ready. You agreed to the plan this time. You have to wait. Give her space.
Derek:She needs to work through how she feels, and we need to give her the opportunity to do so. Rushing her will only push her away.
Hudson:Just be there for her. When she’s ready, she’ll let you know.
I grunt in irritation. I know I agreed to the fucking plan. It’s a smart fucking plan, this time. But she needs to be taken out of her head. She needs to be cut off from all this fucked-up emotion she is feeling and let us bring her back to zero.
She is spiraling like a lost little girl, not sure who she can turn to, when I’m right fucking here. Ready to catch her. We all are.
Me:*middle finger emoji*
Me:She needs another gift. This one is making her cry.
Locking my phone, I place it face down on the table and go back to watching Emery.
I’m not giving her space. I’m going to take up every crack, crevice, nook, and shadow in her life. I’ll be here, with her, evenif it takes the rest of our lives. I’ll catch my little dove when she falls out of the sky.
Chapter 27
Emery
