EyesOnYou:And if they break your trust, the only way they can rebuild that foundation is if you open the door to it.
Me:I don’t know if I can do that.
EyesOnYou:Okay. How about we look at it in reverse? What would the steps be to terminate things with them? How do you see that looking? Is it something you could put into action tonight?
Tonight? Like, right now? Just draft a message and hit send like I’m asking Oakley if she needs any groceries? What would it even say?
Dear Daddies,
I no longer wish to be your baby girl, effective immediately.
Emery.
My throat constricts from just thinking the words. I’m not sure my thumbs would cooperate with typing them.
Two weeks ago, standing in the foyer of Obsession, when my hurt and betrayal had reached incendiary levels, I’d truly meant it when I’d used my safe word. In that particular moment, I’d been happy to never see them again.
But now, the idea of taking away even the smallest amount of hope that I might still be theirs is like a knife peeling back layers of my skin. But it is something I need to consider.
With trembling fingers, I type out my reply.
Me:No, not tonight. But if I did terminate, I guess I would need to send them something in writing, right?
EyesOnYou:What would you do about the man living with you and the muse contract you signed?
Well, that’s harder to answer. I’d like to think that if I asked Xavier to leave, he would. He implied as much the other night when I asked him about staying. I could also get campus security involved.
As for Darcy, that one is a little harder. We aren’t so far into the contract that it would be hard to break it, but that isn’t the same as removing his muse. I have no idea what it would do to his process or his ability to create, but is that any of my concern?
After everything, do I need to manage his feelings for him? Surely he’s had a muse leave mid contract in the past.
Me:I’d tell my new roommate that he has to leave and get campus authorities involved if required.
Me:And I would contact the artist’s agent and break the contract. Since no money has exchanged hands yet, I wouldn’t need to pay anything back. We’ve only had a few basic sessions so far, and replacing me would be pretty easy.
EyesOnYou:And what about the other two men? Would you need closure with them?
Me:I’m not sure.
Me:There is a very significant part of our lives that intersects. It’ll take years before we are truly out of each other’s lives.
EyesOnYou:Okay, now that you know how to break it off with them, I want you to consider your future. What does it look like? One year from now? Two? Five? Ten?
EyesOnYou:Do you feel happier thinking about your future with them by your side or without them there?
Closing my eyes, I mentally construct my dream future. The one with the house and the white picket fence and the two cats. I imagine it as small, just for me. I go to work each day and come home, my fluffy besties waiting for me at the door. Cooking dinner and then eating it on the couch while I watch reality TV to decompress.
The satisfaction I usually feel is there, but it’s muted, dimmed somehow.
Not dwelling on it, I redesign the house into something a little bigger, more rooms, a darker vibe. With a bed big enough for five, plus my cats. Entering the house after work and slipping back into my baby-girl life. Letting them take care of me. Letting them own me.
A tear leaks out from under my eyelashes and burns a line down my cheek.
I think I have my answer.
Me:Thank you. I think I have my answer.
Before EyesOnYou can reply, I sign out of the app. I don’t think I can handle any more sage advice tonight.
