He took my hand and shook his head as he pulled me toward his bedroom. “No one needs you to do that, babe.”
“Do you think Livwill really let me meet Kaylee this week? Or do you think she’s going to change her mind?” Kayden’s voice startled me out of the silence we’d been sitting in for the last hour.
I looked up fromSapiensand turned to face Kayden. We were in his bed post-shower—and shower sex—where I’d decided to start readingthe book that had helped him accept himself and he was working on the detailed plans for the rehab facility on his laptop.
“I don’t think she’ll change her mind,” I said.
He frowned and stared off into the distance as I watched his mind churn for a few minutes.
“What are you worried about?” I asked gently.
He sighed. “I don’t know how to be a dad. I definitely don’t know how to be a good one.”
I set the book down on my lap and slid over to him, slipping my arm around his waist as I lay down on the pillow next to him.
I kissed his shoulder and spoke softly, but confidently. “My dad was not nearly as abusive as your father, but he was at the bottom of the barrel in terms of fatherly role models, that’s for sure. My moms took me in when I was fifteen. By the time I found Ima, I’d been living on the street, couch surfing, desperately trying to avoid DCF, and completely alone for nearly six months. About a month after they brought me home and were working on foster care paperwork to keep me, I got sick. The cold worsened, and I just kept worrying they were going to kick me out for being a burden so I didn’t say anything about not feeling well.
“I ended up with pneumonia. I’d had a fever for a few days and they’d taken me to the doctor but since we were still going through the foster process I didn’t even have health insurance. The antibiotics were expensive, and I just thought,This is it, they tried me out and they’ll send me packing in a few days. But after the fourth day, when the fever finally broke, I woke up in the middle of the night to find Ima asleep in a chair in my room. I got up to get a glass of water and Mom was awake, looking through her photographs at the kitchen counter. She saw me and pulled out the stool next to her, asked if I was feeling better, and then asked my opinion on which photo she should put in her next gallery exhibit.I’d only been sitting there for a few minutes when Ima burst out of my room yelling, ‘Where is he? Sloane, is he okay?’ It must have taken her a moment to adjust to the light and realize I was sitting right there because Mom and I just stared at her for a few seconds before Mom turned to me and said‘I’m sorry, you’ll just have to get used to this. She’s pretty overbearing when the people she loves are sick. If you want her to stop sleeping in there with you, I can tie her down in our bedroom tonight.’”
Kayden chuckled and my eyes stung at the memory.
“That was the first time I ever felt loved,” I said. “Like I could matter to someone enough that they’d want to sleep in a chair just to watch over me and make sure I was okay.”
“I’m guessing your mom’s style was to stay up late and pretend to work, while keeping an eye on you?” Kayden asked.
“Yeah,” I said with a chuckle. “The point is, I don’t know how to be a dad either. And Liv issucha good mom, you shouldn’t compare yourself to her. But what I learned from my moms is that all Kaylee needs from any of us, is the knowledge that’s she’s truly, unconditionally loved. That’s what I do. I love the shit out of her, even when she’s askedwhyfor the tenth time in a minute and I want to pull my hair out. If you grow to love her, and you make sure she knows that you do, I think you’ll do just fine as a dad.”
Kayden smiled at me. “Thanks, babe. I’m glad she asks why. Shows she’s curious and using critical thinking.”
I snorted. “Remember you said that after you spend a few hours with her. That little girl can drive even the most patient man to tears when it comes to her questions. Trust me, I’m that man.”
He laughed and leaned down to kiss my cheek. “Really, thank you. It’s nice to be able to talk to you. I didn’t realize how much I needed that before.”
“Hey, we can trauma bond about our parents all night if you want,” I teased. “I’ve been wondering how your mom died; you’ve only mentioned her the one time. You don’t have to share, but you can when you’re ready.”
“You can ask me anything, Jace. I want you to know me.” He tugged on his hair and closed his laptop, setting it on the nightstand. “My mom took her own life when I was seven. I had a little brother, Callum, who died in a car accident when he was five. My dad was driving the car, but the accident wasn’t his fault. Even still, he started drinking right after. Mom sunk into a deep depression and ended up dying by suicide a few months later. He was too drunk to notice she needed help, and I was on my own, neglected in a way you can probably relate to. I started to become really anxious shortly after my mom died and I’d get up in the middle of the night to check that the doors were locked, refused to ride in cars, and started washing my hands obsessively—all behaviors that I now understand were the first signs of my anxiety disorder. The therapist in rehab told me I probably would have always developed it at some point, but the series of traumatic events likely triggered it. There was no one to keep me safe and I’d lost half my family without the true ability to understand most of what happened.
“My mom was mad at my dad and devastated over my brother, and I struggled for a long time, believing that I wasn’t enough to make her want to live. It almost made it easier to accept my father’s abuse in a way because her choices had primed me to believe I deserved it. My dad is terrible, and he abused me emotionally and physically for most of my life. He called me weak, made me ashamed of the anxiety that I couldn’t control, and was blatantly homophobic, but for years I told myself,he wasn’t always like this. The reality is, alcohol can onlybe blamed so much. He let himself become that person and he told me far too many times that the wrong son died.”
I squeezed his hand and rested my head in his lap. He ran his fingers through my hair as he talked. “I’ve been to see him a couple times since I moved back here. I told myself it was the right thing to do but really, I think I just want to be sure he’s dying. He has end-stage liver disease. I intended to stay in the closet until he died, but the more time I spend with you, the more I want to show up at his place and show him how happy you make me. I want to throw it in his face that his abuse didn’t stop me from finding a partner to build a life with. For so long I thought I needed to tell him in order to finally be out and proud of who I am because if I can look him in the eye and say it, then I have nothing left to hide from. No one could ever make me feel ashamed if I stop letting him make me feel that way.”
I rolled over to face him. “I’ll support you no matter what, Kayd. I’ll kiss you in the middle of Quincy Market and I’ll wait patiently until he dies and you feel safe to be who you are.”
“I know you will,” he said. “But I meant what I said the other day. I’m not waiting for him to die to be true to who I am. Do you still want to take me out to dinner sometime?”
My heart skipped a beat. “Yes, so badly,” I said. “I’ll rent an entire restaurant for the evening if you’re not ready to show up and hold my hand in public.”
He laughed. “That’s a stupid way to spend money. But given that I know it pains you greatly to abuse your wealth, your support is crystal clear. Let’s go out tomorrow. No restaurant-renting necessary.”
“Okay,” I said, grinning.
“As far as I’m concerned, this is my official coming out. I have a hot-as-fuck boyfriend and I’m proud as hell to be dating you. Maybesomeday I’ll tell my dad, and maybe I won’t. But either way, I’m not hiding who I am from anyone else.”
I sat up and threw my arms around his neck in excitement. I was thrilled to be open about our relationship, but I was even more happy to hear him let go of the hold his father had on him. It was the first step in him becoming the father that Kaylee deserved and that I was confident he’d be for her.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Olivia
