He flipped to an earmarked page and read aloud, “Mother Nature does not mind if men are sexually attracted to one another. It’s only human mothers and fathers steeped in particular cultures who make a scene if their son has a fling with the boy next door. The mother’s tantrums are not a biological imperative. A significant number of human cultures have viewed homosexual relations as not only legitimate but even socially constructive.” He flipped a few pages and continued. “Culture tends to argue that it forbids only that which is unnatural. But from a biological perspective, nothing is unnatural. Whatever is possible is, by definition, also natural. A truly unnatural behavior, one that goes against the laws of nature, simply cannot exist, so it would need no prohibition.”
I kissed the side of his head as he closed the book. “Seems like there are a few people in the world who could stand to hear that,” I said.
He set the book on the coffee table before leaning back and looking down at me. “My father caught me looking at another boy for the first time when I was fifteen. I’d looked before, in the same way I’d looked at girls, but there must have been something about the way I was admiring that particular boy that made him notice. That boy also had a tattoo on his chest, so make of that what you will,” he said with a small laugh.
I smiled at him, and he continued, “When I walked inside the house, my dad smacked me across the face right away. I never saw it coming. Usually, he’d yell a lot or I’d done something that I knew would set him off. I could always see the hits coming. But not that day, I’d just gone out to get the mail and noticed my new, older neighbor for a few seconds. When I reached up to rub my burning cheek, he grabbed my hand, twisted me around, and slammed me against the wall. He called me the f-word and said if he caught me looking at a boy again, he’d make sure I got my ass fucked so hard that I’d never think suchunnaturalthoughts again.”
My stomach flipped and I sat up in a rush, turning to face him. “Kayden, what the fuck?”
“It’s okay,” he said with a small shake of his head, his throat bobbing as he swallowed.
I took his face in my hands and kissed him deeply, trying to pour my empathy into our fused lips. I wanted to sooth the hurt of the little boy inside him and of the man who shouldn’t have to carry this weight around. The man who clearly had hesitations about letting partners before me touch his ass for a reason.
“It isnotokay,” I said, kissing him again. “You didn’t deserve that, baby. No one deserves that.”
“I know that now. Really, I do,” he said, giving me a reassuring look and another kiss.
I hated seeing the pain of that memory cross his face. I had half a mind to track down his father and break his nose.
Kayden took a deep breath. “The point is, I spent a long time after that not looking at all and pretending I wasn’t interested in guys. When I went to college and I realized there was a whole world of people far less narrow-minded than my father, I started reading to understandhuman sexuality. There are hundreds of resources that explain the human species, how complex we are, and the various relationship structures that have existed in history and I don’t think I need to tell you that it hasn’t been all monogamy since the beginning of time.”
I shook my head. I may not be as well-read on the topic as Kayden, but I certainly knew enough about human evolution to know that straight and monogamous have never been the only way of life for people.
Kayden smiled, looking animated as he continued. “There are even theories that suggest bisexual is the ‘default’ orientation. But all of that set aside, this particular passage I read you is the one that made me finally let go of all the shit my dad said. Nothing about love and attraction can be unnatural if it’s possible. I got over my fear of being bisexual because ofthis passage.”
He scooted back and took my hands. “Jace, if a relationship with more than one person is what’s right for you, maybe even what’s right for all of us, then I want you to know that it’s not unnatural and I’m not scared of it.”
My eyes stung. “I’m still a little scared,” I confessed. “Not because I think it’s unnatural at all, but because I’m afraid to want too much and lose you both.”
Kayden held my head in one hand and rubbed my cheek with his thumb. I leaned into him and closed my eyes. If he was going to share his trauma, then I could do the same. I doubted he talked about his anymore often than I talked about mine outside of my therapist’s office.
I took a deep breath and opened my eyes. “My bio parents where neglectful, absent, and high all the time. They never knew where I was, or what I was doing. They weren’t there for me a single day of their lives. My mom overdosed when I was really young, and I barely remember her. Yet,when my dad overdosed when I was fifteen, I still felt abandoned. He’d chosen drugs over me every day, but hereallychose them over me that day and he left me completely alone. If I had other family, I never knew them. It turned out he’d gotten a batch of heroin that was laced with fentanyl, so he didn’t make a different choice that day than any other, but that didn’t change the way it felt at the time.
“Today, I can say his death was the best thing that ever happened to me. My moms and a lot of therapy have helped me process the trauma that came out of my early life. But right now, I feel like a fifteen-year-old kid again, afraid to be alone. I’m afraid if I ask for too much from you and Liv, I’ll end up alone again. I really don’t know if I can handle that after having you both.” My voice cracked and I stopped there, certain that talking more would open the floodgates.
Kayden pulled my lips back to his and kissed me before saying, “If I have anything to say about it, Jace, I’ll make sure you’re never alone again. No matter what happens next.” I kissed him for a few minutes before he pulled back, stroking my face with both thumbs.
“I know there is another person involved here,” he said. “I know most people wouldn’t be open to what we’re discussing. And if it’s not right for them, fine. But Olivia was the first person I talked to about my alcoholism and my bisexuality. I could tell how accepting she was the night I met her. If she loves you as much as I think she does, then I’m not sure you have to worry about her walking away from you. The three of us can figure this out together.”
“Okay,” I said, starting to believe him. He was right about Liv’s openness and acceptance of others, and I was also positive that his interest in her and her unresolved feelings for him were going to bubble to the surface at some point.
“Okay?” He smirked at me. “Okay you’ll stop feeling guilty for how you feel about both of us? Or okay you’ll stop worrying that I don’t really understand what I’m offering you?”
“All of the above,” I said, pushing him down on the couch and crawling on top of him. “I’m so grateful for that big giant brain of yours. Not to mention how grateful I am for your heart.”
He laughed and wrapped his arms around my waist. “Yeah, I mean, when my brain isn’t trying to convince me that I’m about to die from accidently eating a moldy blueberry, it’s actually pretty great.”
I kissed down his neck and his chest, laughing and holding myself back from screaming the wordsI love you. One confession of love in a day seemed like more than enough, and I didn’t want him to think I was just saying it because of this conversation.
“Are you going to tell me what made you hard at the party?” he asked grabbing my erection with a playful gleam in his eyes. My chest filled with affection as I thought back to the nervous guy I’d met in a bar several weeks ago and how he’d slowly let down his guard with me to show me the kind, gorgeous man underneath me right now.
I groaned in embarrassment. “It was a sex toy party and Liv started asking a lot of questions.”
He laughed. “A sex toy party? I thought it was a bridal shower.”
“Yeah, apparently Liv’s mom, Val, has some interesting friends.”
“Sounds like it,” Kayden said, still looking amused. “Did you tell Liv about your drawer? There was no need for you to take anything with the collection you have.”
