“I did the right thing leaving,” I said in conclusion. “One day, they’ll thank me.”
Adeline winced. “Oh, Mol. I sincerely hope you’re right, but I doubt they’ll see it that way.”
“Do you really see a scenario where our relationship could work?”
She looked down at her glass, as if buying herself a moment to formulate her response. “I think the three of you could have figured something out.”
Frustration surged inside of me, burning in my chest. “Stop making me feel like I’ve made a mistake. I would have done it for you too, you know?”
Her eyes narrowed in confusion. “Done what?”
I guess we were going there today. “When our parents died. If there had been a simple way to unburden you from me, I would have done it. But I was too young then, and I didn’t know how to navigate life without you. Now, I have a choice, and I’m choosing to let them live out their dream without being oppressed by me.”
The color drained out of my sister’s face so quickly it was as if someone had flicked a switch. “What are you talking about? You were never a burden.”
“You’ve always refused to admit it.”
“Because it’s nonsense,” she said, a frown unfurling across her expression. “You’re my sister, and back then, you were my only family. If you’d ‘unburdened’ me, as you say it, I don’t know what I’d have done.”
“You’d have kept trying to get into Julliard. Or taken your music more seriously than you did with Through Azure Skies. You’d have focused on your dream instead of sacrificing everything for me.”
“You’re absolutely wrong. I would have been heartbroken and miserable. I’d have gone out of my mind trying to get you back, no matter where you went. My dreams would have become dust.” She placed her glass on the ground. “Sometimes, when I’m having a bad night and I’m nervous about going on stage, do you know who I think of? You. I think about how badly I want to set a good example for you and make you proud. Without you, none of this success would mean anything.” She looked away, her jaw tightening, and that’s how I knew I’d managed to piss her off. It took a lot to piss off my sister. “I can’t believe you think you’ve held me back at any point in my life. It makes me feel fucking awful, because it couldn’t be further from the truth.”
I refused to believe it. “You’re just saying that to make me feel better.”
She scoffed and pinned me with her gaze. “I don’t know what I can say to make you believe me. I’m telling you the truth.” When she reached over and grabbed my hand, I stayed still. If she was lying, I couldn’t tell, and I couldalwaystell with her.
A shard dislodged itself inside my chest.
“Maybe you need to look inside and figure out why you refuse to accept it,” she said softly.
I glanced down at where we were linked together, her cool hand wrapped around my clammy one. How many times have those hands held me when I needed to be held? Did she resent having to do it? Having to be my mother and my sister at the same time?
Or had I spent most of my life projecting my fears onto her?
“I don’t know,” I mumbled. “Growing up, I saw you wanting something really badly. And when they died, you stopped. I felt bad for you, Ade. I was fifteen, but I was old enough to know you weren’t dealt a fair hand. No nineteen-year-old should have to do what you did for me.”
She squeezed my hand. “I was lost even before they died. My confidence was shredded when Julliard rejected me, and when they died, my dream became even more out of reach. I had things to work through before I could believe in myself again. I won’t lie to you, there were moments when I did feel overwhelmed about being responsible for you. But those moments allowed me to build character, and I’m grateful for them. It all worked out for me, didn’t it? I’d be an ungrateful idiot to look for problems in my past when I have this amazing life now.”
I brought my eyes up to hers. “I felt so helpless during those years. Powerless to do anything to make your life easier or to be in charge of my own life. I’m afraid that if I go with them on tour and things go wrong, I’ll be powerless again. Did you feel like that at all before deciding to join Bleeding Moonlight?”
Adeline chuckled. “Of course I did. I remember thinking about what I’d do if they got bored of me after a few months and kicked my ass out on the road? How humiliating would that be? I was really scared. Don’t you remember? You encouraged me to take a leap of faith.”
“Yeah, I remember. In retrospect, there had definitely been some childish optimism involved on my part. I also didn’t know you were dating all of them, remember? I just wanted the best for you, and I’m really glad everything worked out.”
Some color finally returned to her cheeks. “It took me a while to work up to telling you I’m with all of them. I thought you’d judge me. That was another thing I spent a lot of time worrying about, but you took the news like a champ.”
I smiled. “Well, by then I was already thinking of the guys like family. Your reveal just made it even more real. If there was ever anyone who could handle those four, it’s you.”
She released me and placed her hands on the floor behind her. “They’re a handful, but they’re my handful now. Anyway, we’re getting off topic. Let’s come back to you. You need to stop thinking you’re some kind of an affliction, Molly. Really, I hope I’m getting across how ridiculous that is.”
It would take more than one conversation for me to let go of the deep-seated beliefs I’d held about myself. Still, I was starting to see how I may have misinterpreted my past. Maybe I’d form a new perspective on it with time. One that would stick.
“You know that even now that we’re adults, I’ll always be here for you. Right?”
I chewed on my lip. “It feels really uncomfortable to ask you for help. I feel like I should be able to figure out my problems on my own.”
“Hey.” Ade leaned over and took my face in her palms. “Youcan, but you don’t have to. Supporting you makes me happy. I wish I had more opportunities to do so.”
