I definitely needed some more of her energy in my life. Despite the yelling match I had witnessed, she seemed to be ready to move on already. What would she say if I told her I’d been waiting for a guy who was barely paying me any attention to be my first? Yeah, I didn’t really want to find out.
When Zoey got home later that day, I told her about my plan to go out with Mimi.
“That is a terrible idea,” she concluded immediately. “That girl is bad news, Ivy. She was really messed up the morning I was moving in.”
I’d told Zoey the revelation I had in my class. My attachment to Oliver was an unhealthy addiction, and I was finally determined to get over it. I hadn’t shared his messages with her, but I told her about Jack. How we had a fight and that I wasn’t sure I’d be seeing him anymore.
“I don’t understand,” I said, folding my arms across my chest. “You were the one who encouraged me to move on and put myself out there. I’m finally trying to do just that.”
She grimaced. “You’re jumping from one extreme to the next. Sneaking into a club with someone you’ve only just met? Maybe you should start by coming to one of the pre-med socials with me.”
“Zoey.” I rubbed the bridge of my nose. “I just want to let go for one night, and I don’t want to do it around people I might see again on campus.”
She narrowed her eyes. “Jesus, what are you planning on doing? Drinking your body weight in alcohol?”
If I told her I was hoping to meet someone to have sex with me tonight, she’d probably barricade me inside our apartment. I rolled my eyes. “No. C’mon, you know I’m a light drinker. I just want to have some fun and do something a little crazy. Maybe it’s not the healthiest way to move on, but it’s good enough for me.”
My friend leaned against the fridge and sighed. “Well, at least you know this isn’t healthy. Look, I don’t like this one bit, but I can’t stop you from going. Just promise me you’ll be careful, okay? Don’t accept any drinks from people you don’t know—they might be roofied and shit. And try to keep it down when you get back.”
“Don’t worry about that. I’m going to crash at Mimi’s,” I said, turning away from her to the sandwich I was in the process of making.
“You don’t need to do that,” she said. “I’ll wear earplugs to bed.”
“I already feel bad about distracting you with my issues. Honestly, it’s fine. Mimi might be a bit out there, but I trust her.”
“You just met her,” Zoey grumbled. “She doesn’t seem particularly trustworthy.”
“I think you should give her another chance,” I said before taking a bite.
She shook her head. “Let’s see if you’re singing the same tune about her after tonight. Do you need help with your makeup?”
“Absolutely.” Zoey always knew how to make me look good, and tonight, I needed to look great.
10
JAMIE
On Friday afternoon,I pulled into the parking lot of the In-N-Out where I was supposed to be meeting Fox. This was the last apology on my list, and it was last for a reason. Out of all my fuck ups over the past ten or so years, this was by far the biggest. There was a good chance I’d be on my way to the hospital by the time we were done here, so it seemed smart to get the rest of my amends out of the way first.
Fox, like many of the people I had contacted over the past few months, hadn’t wanted to meet me at first. He’d long since written me off, but he had the disadvantage of being related to me. Shortly after I’d called—and was told to fuck right off—my ma, Marie, reached out to him. She still lived in Texas, in the same tiny one-story house where she’d raised me after my father left us. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’d offered to move her into a bigger place, but she’d always brushed me off and said she was perfectly happy with her home. I think she treasured the memories of Fox and I playing there together as children. My cousin’s parents had a volatile relationship, and when things got too heated back home, he’d come over and stay with us for a few days.
Fox could resist me, but his strength failed when his Aunt Marie got involved.
“You talk to Fox, and you make this right,” my ma said to me after they got off the phone. “You hurt that boy badly, and he won’t forget it easily. But deep down, I think he knows you were ill. Show him you mean to set yourself right, and he might still forgive you.”
Normally, forgiveness was the most I’d allow myself to hope for with these things. But with Fox, I really—stupidly—hoped for more. I missed my cousin, my old friend. I didn’t have many friends these days, given that I’d cut nearly everyone off after I left Ritual Disruption. Nial had been encouraging me to start meeting people, but with the lawsuit occupying so much of my time and energy, I didn’t feel like I could afford the distraction. Maybe, I was just scared. It had been many years since I’d made a new friend without alcohol loosening my tongue. What the fuck did people even talk about these days?
I was fifteen minutes early, but when I got out of the car, something made me look around the lot for his truck. The last time I’d seen that truck was ages ago, so chances were he didn’t have it anymore, but on my second scan, I noticed it parked about five rows to my right. A grin inched up on my face despite the nervousness churning in my gut. Fox was a guy who didn’t change. I had to convince him I was different.
He sat in the corner of the dining area, a baseball cap with a flat rim hanging low over his forehead. Under the hat, I couldn’t tell if he had grown his hair out or if it was still his usual buzz cut. His eyes were glued to his untouched fries, and I wondered if he was praying that I wouldn’t show up.
For a moment, I hovered by the door, unsure of whether I should go to him or pick up a burger first. I decided on the burger. It looked like we could both use a few extra minutes to get our heads on straight.
By the time I was walking over with my tray, his head had lifted, and his gray gaze tracked my movements. Ma always said we had the exact same eyes. Sometimes their light shade made people uncomfortable. I gave him a half-smile, testing how he’d respond. Not great. His jaw got so tight, I thought there was a risk of him cracking a tooth.
I lowered the tray down and slid into the booth to sit across from him. He watched me in silence.
“Hey, Fox. How are you?”
