Sitting down at a table outside the cafe where I was supposed to be meeting Jack in about an hour, I put my head between my palms. For all the heady highs I’d experienced with Oliver, I could count an equal number of crushing lows.
My fist connected with the table, and I pressed my face into my biceps, trying to muffle the sobs coming out of my mouth.
Get a grip!
Everything around me swam, and a cold pit of unhappiness threatened to swallow me up from the inside out. Life felt bleak and hopeless, and it didn’t escape me that the feeling only intensified when the texts came. I’d spent most of that tour judging Jamie for not wanting to kick his habit, but if my love for Oliver was really an unhealthy addiction, how was I any better than the singer?
Wiping the tears away, I finally understood a simple fact.
I couldn’t keep doing this.
* * *
By the time Jack arrived,I’d managed to calm down. I had a plan now. A plan with only two steps, but it was better than trying to leave my “recovery” from Oliver to chance.
Step one was losing my virginity. Good thing the guy sitting across from me was the perfect person to help rip that Band-Aid off.
Step two was blocking Oliver’s number once and for all. I hoped completing step one would make that easier.
Jack wore a big grin and his usual preppy outfit. “How are ya?” he asked.
I shrugged. “Fine. Just hoping this heat will let up soon.”
“It’s like a goddamn sauna, isn’t it?” he said with a laugh. “A few of us are thinking of hitting the beach this weekend if you want to join.”
“Thanks. I’ll let you know.”
“How are your classes?” Jack seemed genuinely interested to know, but I was eager to be done with small talk.
I bit on my lip. “They’re fine. But uh…that’s not what I wanted to talk about.” My attention caught on the tiny green crocodile on his shirt.
He cleared his throat. “Right. I was thinking we’d grab some food and take it somewhere a bit more private?” He looked over his shoulder, as if worried someone might overhear our conversation.
The weird thing about Jack was that despite seeming happy to keep our relationship casual, he was always worried about others finding out. Zoey thought he was embarrassed that after a year we still weren’t officially dating, so in order to avoid questions from his friends, he pretended that nothing was going on between us. I didn’t know if I believed that. Frankly, I didn’t really care. I was happy to keep us on the down low if that was better for him.
“I’m not hungry, actually,” I said and reached for my bag. “Want to go walk through the botanical gardens?”
He quickly agreed, and we left. Our destination was only a short walk away, but he started talking as soon as we were out of the earshot of anyone. “So how are you feeling about things?”
My hand found Jack’s wrist and squeezed. “I want to keep seeing you.”
When he looked at me, his expression was pleasantly surprised. “Oh, okay. I wasn’t sure if you’d met someone while you were back home or something.”
The snort that came out of me wasn’t elegant. “River Valley? Not a chance. And I’ve been thinking. I think I’m ready to take things further.”
His expression grew too hopeful, and I hurried to clarify what I meant. “Physically, that is. You know…we’ve been holding back.”
Really, I was the one holding back, but now I knew what had to be done. If I ever wanted to get over Oliver, I needed to stop saving myself for him in some twisted attempt to regain all that we had lost. It wasn’t going to happen.
Jack’s eyes swept over my face, the hope in them replaced with surprise. “Whoa. Damn, I wasn’t expecting that. Okay. Yeah. Whenever you’re ready, Ivy. It would be my honor—”
Oh God, he needed to stop talking. “I’m ready,” I interrupted, pulling him past the gates of the garden.
Jack nodded, twisting his wrist out of my hold and interlacing our fingers instead. His thumb caressed the inside of my palm. “I’ll ask Mathas to crash at a friend’s place some night next week so that we can have my place to ourselves.”
There were a lot of ferns in this place. Ferns and tall spiky cacti. I twisted my head around, looking for a place that was secluded and ideally had a nice patch of grass.
“Ivy?” Jack asked, tugging on our interlaced hands. “Next week sound good?”
