“Have you asked him?”
“I tried, but I think he’s avoiding me. He didn’t give me any indication that I did that night though. It just feels like there’ssomething he isn’t telling me. It’s a gut feeling, and I hate that he’s pushing me away instead of talking to me about it.”
“Sometimes other people’s reactions have nothing to do with us, Will. Sometimes it’s got everything to do with what the other person is already carrying.”
I nod even though she obviously can’t see me. That advice makes sense to me.Finally.I should’ve called her the other day instead of talking to my roommates.
“I think you should keep trying to talk to him, but you said you don’t even know what your expectations are, so you might want to figure that out first. If you’re serious about him, he should know that’s what you want. Are you?”
Fuck, I don’t know how to answer that either. I’ve never imagined what comes after the hooking up part because I’ve never wanted it before. Do I want it now?
That’s the question I keep circling back to, the one that’s made everything so much more confusing.
“I’m not sure,” I answer honestly. “I care about Porter a lot. He’s someone I want to be around all the time. It sucks he won’t text me back, and all I’ve wanted to do these last few days is fix whatever’s wrong between us.”
“Well, regardless of if you want to officially date him, it sounds like you really care about him. Why don’t you do something nice for him? What does Porter care about? Is there something you can do or plan for the two of you?”
“Yeah, I’ll think about it. Thanks, Mom.”
“Thanks for coming to me with this. I love you so much. What do you want me to do about your dad? Do you want to tell him another time?”
“Nah, you can tell him.” My parents hate keeping things from each other, and I’m sure my dad would have a similar reaction to her.
“Oh good. I’ll tell him when he gets home from work! Let us know if you need anything. We’re so proud of you!”
“Thanks, Mom.” I hang up the phone and let out a sigh. What can I do to remind Porter how much fun we have together? To get him to explain what I did wrong so I can fix it?
He seems to be against meeting up with me around campus, which is probably for the best when I’m hoping we can have a potentially sensitive conversation we might not want other people overhearing. Maybe I could take him somewhere off campus? But I’d need to get him to talk to me long enough to invite him without giving me another excuse about how busy he is. I could show up to his house. Maybe he needs more of a gesture, something he can’t ignore like flowers or chocolate.
My phone vibrates in my hand, and my heart stutters, hoping it’s Porter.
But it’s just my group text with my parents.
Dad
Mom told me the news, so proud of you for embracing your true self! I love you
Mom
I couldn’t wait! I had to tell him, I was too excited
I laugh because this is so classic.
Will
Thanks guys, love you too
Now, to go buy some flowers.
31
PORTER
Will has been making it impossible for me to put space between us. It’s taking every ounce of self-control I have, and every minute I’m closer and closer to forgetting all about my attempt of self-preservation.
It isn’t doing me any good anyway. I’m still miserable. I hate the distance, hate that I let myself catch feelings when I know we’ll inevitably have the “look, it was fun, but I don’t do relationships” talk. Maybe that wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world though, then I could simply rip the bandage off and start moving on.
Except I don’t want that.
