How could I forget? John admitted on our wedding night that he’d sworn to himself he’d never get married after his ex had passed away. I asked him if his ex would have wanted him to be happy before reminding him of how happy I’d helped him be all weekend. Then John realized I was right and agreed to marry me. It was a huge moment for us. I’ll never forget it.
“How long were you two together?” I try again, determined to learn more about my husband. Not because I’m jealous of his ex or anything—I know his past is an important part of who he is—I truly just want to learn everything I can about John. I feel like he’s holding a lot in and carrying all of it on his own.
“No. We’re not talking about Luke.” He immediately shuts me down, standing abruptly to gather his things.
I nod, happy that I at least know his name now. “Okay, but whenever you’re ready, I’d love to hear more about him.”
John ignores my offered support, walking back toward the car, and I decide to take a moment during the walk back to make Luke a promise. I’m not religious in a church-going kind of way, but I like the idea that our loved ones who have passed might be out there somewhere, looking out for us.
Hey, Luke, I know you don’t know me, but I think we have the same favorite person. I’m really sorry that your time together was so short. I hope you approve of our marriage. I promise to try to make him happy. I’m pretty great at getting him to laugh, and even smile. I’m really proud of it actually. I’m not sure if he used to smile more, but you probably know how rare it is these days. He misses you so much, I can tell. He’s still hesitant toembrace our relationship, but I know we’ll get there. I don’t want to replace you. I just want to make him happy.
I don’t know if I need to say “Amen” or something; I just know I feel a little better after my promise to Luke. There’s still so much John and I have to learn about each other, but I can be patient and go at his pace.
We’re already married, so we have all the time in the world.
8
JOHN
“Their love is so beautiful,” Chad whispers to me, clutching his handkerchief to his chest as he stares at our best friends putting on each other’s ties with the photographer buzzing around us all.
I glance at Chad out of the corner of my eye, and he’s still fucking crying. I get why Wyatt, Liam, and Blake are so misty eyed, but Chad never met Liam’s mom. He wasn’t there helping Liam with his homework and letting him copy off him during tests when he had more important shit going on while his mom was getting sicker by the day. He didn’t stop by the farm on his way to school every morning for two years to make sure they didn’t forget to feed the animals when their grief overshadowed everything else in their lives.
Yet here Chad is, tears streaming down his face over the lace they used from her wedding dress for their ties. It wasn’t even a surprise! He told me about it this morning when I drove him here, something a part of me instantly regretted doing, but the idea of him having his keys wasn’t something I could stomach if he was going to drink like he did in Vegas.
Chad was also a mess when they read the letter from Liam’s mom—again. Wyatt gave it to Liam on what was supposed to be their wedding day on national television for fuck’s sake. Chad’s already read it. I don’t get it.
I’m just glad the emotional shit should be over soon.
I’ve been in a weird mood ever since Chad asked me about Luke the other day. I don’t talk about him. Ever. There’s no reason to—he’s gone, and talking about him won’t change anything or bring him back.
Helping Liam and Blake get ready for their wedding isn’t the distraction I’d hoped for, either. If anything, it made it worse. I’ve had Luke on my mind more than I have in years, my thoughts spiraling back to all the plans we made, and how different my life turned out from what we’d imagined.
I was worried that by moving back here, other people might try to bring him up, but no one has. I’m not sure if it’s because his parents moved away, or because it’s been so long since the accident, but I’m grateful.
It probably also has something to do with the fact that no one knew we were anything more than best friends. Even my own family has never confirmed what we were to each other, although I’m sure they have their suspicions. In hindsight, I should have told Liam. But Luke was an even more private person than me, and when he asked me to stay in the closet for him, I didn’t hesitate. We had each other, and that was enough.
Until he was gone. And I was still here, alone.
I shouldn’t be thinking about any of this today. It’s all Chad’s fault with his lack of boundaries and his misplaced desire to support me.
I don’t need his support. I don’t need anyone. I’ve been fine on my own for nearly a decade, so we should just focus on our friends’ wedding and absolutely nothing else today.
“I think I got some really great shots, so I’m going to giveyou all a minute. I’ll be right outside whenever you’d like to start the pictures with the animals you want,” Chelsea, the photographer, announces before slipping outside.
Would it be rude of me to follow? Is it more awkward that I’m the only one in this room who isn’t crying?
“Wow, we’re going to look so great in these pictures with our puffy red eyes,” Blake jokes, and they all laugh.
“Oh, we should find Kieran!” Chad says suddenly, mentioning their friend from the reality show who’s a popular makeup influencer. “He has a video about how to make it look like you weren’t crying. I think it's from a few years ago, but he’s brilliant at makeup so I’m sure he can fix us up in no time.”
“You’ve watched his videos that are years old? Aren’t they all about makeup?” I can’t help but ask.
Chad nods. “Well, yeah. Obviously I’ve watched them. He’s my friend, and I want to support him.”
I’m pretty sure Kieran has millions of people who watch his makeup tutorial videos online, so I don’t know how much he needs Chad’s support, but I can’t say I’m all that surprised with how insistently he attempts to “support” me.
“I’ll find him,” I offer firmly, hurrying to leave before Chad can volunteer to go with me.
