“Yes, of course. Like I said, Rosie’s been so kind, and so have my aunt and uncle. Even Rosie’s sister, Zara, who I haven’t got to know much since I came here because she works long hours, even she’s been sweet and thoughtful, dropping by the house to say hello when she can and making me feel welcome in the family. She even suggested I consider taking on her flat, because she’s moving to London in a few months’ time for a new job, and she offered to talk to her landlord about the two of us switching the tenancy, but it’s miles outside of my budget, even if I did find a great new job tomorrow, which I won’t, and…”
She set down her fork and took a long drink of water before giving him an apologetic look across the table. “Sorry, I didn’t mean that to come out as some huge brain-dump. Once I start thinking about all this stuff, I can’t seem to stop. But, in answer to your question, yes, I’m very happy staying at Rosie’s. I love itthere. And when I spoke to my aunt and uncle yesterday, they insisted that once the baby arrives, I can go and stay with them if things are too tight in Rosie’s smaller house and smaller guest room, which they probably will be. I just don’t…” She shook her head, considering her words. “I just don’t want to rely on them any more than I have to. I want to stand on my own two feet. I don’t want them to think I’m taking advantage.”
Travis twirled pasta around his fork, still thinking about what Courtney had said. “That’s not the first time you’ve said something like that to me. I’m sure your family don’t think you’re taking advantage at all. If they didn’t want to help, they wouldn’t.”
“I know. That’s what they keep telling me, too. And the truth is, without their help right now, I’d be in real trouble. And I’d be very alone, too.”
He saw her eyes glisten at these words. Unable to stop himself, he reached across the table and squeezed her arm, wanting to offer comfort.
“Hey, it’s okay,” he said. “You’renotalone. That’s all that matters.”
Courtney gave a grateful nod and dabbed her eyes with a napkin. “I know. But I could so easily have been. If I hadn’t stumbled upon the scrap of information I found when I was clearing out my mother’s things, I would never have found out about my father’s brother, would never have searched for him, would never have met him or his family, would never have been lucky enough to have them reach out and help me the way they have.”
She blew her nose, her gaze distant. “And it feels sorandom, you know? If I’d just dumped all that old paperwork of my mother’s into the rubbish without a second glance, I never would’ve found the Austins. But for that one, tiny thing, everything would be so very different right now. Life isso…strange. So completely unpredictable. We think we’re in control, but we’re not! One tiny action, or inaction, can change everything.”
“Yes, it can. And, yes, your one tiny action led you to the family you needed in your life. But perhaps it’s not all as random as you think it is. This scrap of paper you’re talking about, this information that led you to discover you had an uncle? You weremeantto find it. Maybe you found it at exactly the right time, at exactly the moment when you needed it the most.”
Courtney held his gaze for a long beat before she nodded. “I’ve thought that, too, sometimes. Whenever I think about all this stuff, and all that’s happened lately, I find myself veering between thinking it’s all just an unknowable random lottery, and then the next minute I’m thinking that maybe there’s something deeper at work, something bigger going on that we can’t ever understand, something that points us in the direction we need to go in, even although we don’t realise it at the time. I can’t make up my mind which one of those explanations is the right one.”
“Maybe they’re both right,” Travis said. “Random things happen that knock us off the road we thought we were destined to walk along, but there’s always a bigger picture at play, too, a bigger story in our lives that helps us understand the mystery of it all.”
She studied his face, a soft smile at her lips. “I like that idea. It’s lovely.”
“I understand you’ve gone through an awful lot, and I’d hate to sound trite about the losses you’ve had and the pain you’ve experienced. But what matters is that you are okay, right now. You’re safe and you have people in your life who care for you. Don’t cause yourself even more anguish than you’ve already endured by thinking about the worst case scenarios and the terrifying what-might-have-beens.”
“You’re right. And Iknowyou’re right. I’d like to blame my pregnancy hormones for making me dwell on this stuff, and I’m sure that’s part of it. But the truth is, it’s hard not to think about how much misfortune and misery there is out there in the world, and wonder how close I got to complete and total disaster before my luck changed and fate decided to cut me a break.”
Courtney let out a soft, embarrassed laugh. “How’s that for crazy talk?”
“It’s not crazy at all. Actually, these sorts of questions are ones I can’t help thinking about as an author.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, when I’m writing my stories, I start out with an idea about what will happen, what the characters will do, which adventures they’ll become mixed up in. And usually the book starts off in the direction I planned. But inevitably, at some point along the way, something completely unexpected happens, something I honestly didn’t see coming until the words appeared on the page. And then the story rushes off along a new path and I find myself wondering how any of it will ever make sense in the context of how the story actually began.”
He gave a helpless shrug. “But the storiesdoall make sense in the end. Well, I think they do, anyway. By the time I get to the final page, I’m always happy with how the characters got there and how everything wrapped up. There are almost always plenty of hairy moments along the way, when it all seems impossible and I feel sure I can’t write the characters out of whatever mess they’ve got into. But itdoesall work out. Sometimes I don’t quite knowhowit works out. When I’m at the keyboard, it often feels less like active and conscious writing, and more like being caught up in a spell outside of my control.”
“Wow,” Courtney said, her gaze filled with awe. “That sounds amazing.”
“It’s amazing, and often frankly terrifying, too,” he laughed. “But I’ve learned to trust the process, to trust my instincts, to trust the stories. And I’ve learned to get comfortable with the idea that…” He waved a hand and sighed. “I’ve learned to get comfortable with the idea that sometimes you just have to have faith. And sometimes you just have to believe that things will all work out in the end.”
Courtney gave a slight nod, her gaze fixed on him. “And we have tohope, too.”
In the quiet of the kitchen, Travis looked deep into Courtney’s eyes, feeling the kindred spirit there that he’d suspected existed from the first moment he’d met her. Every conversation they’d had since, every word they’d exchanged, only made him feel more and more connected to her, as if their souls vibrated together as one.
He wanted to reach across the table again, not to comfort her as he’d done a few minutes ago, but to embrace her, to pull her close and never let her go.
Reason and cold logic intervened and stilled his hand before he made a move he knew he’d regret, a move he knew would not be welcome.
They were friends, nothing more. Courtney needed a friend right now, needed someone to share her thoughts and fears with, not someone who’d put his own feelings, his owndesires, above hers.
And so, instead of reaching out to her, instead of taking her hand in his and pulling her to her feet and holding her close and kissing her the way he ached to kiss her, Travis simply offered a smile and picked up his fork once more.
“Hopes and dreams,” he said, picking up from where she’d left off. “It’s what life is made of.”
Her smile widened, lighting up her eyes. “See, that’s why you’re a brilliant and successful author. You know exactly which words are the right ones at any given moment.”
Travis laughed, hoping it didn’t sound as strangled as if felt. “Thank you.”
