‘It was a funny way to show your love, by abandoning me in the way you did, making me think I was crazy.’
‘I can picture it, you and I in the bedroom at Royal Avenue when you said it. You saidI love youand I wanted so badly to say it back, to tell you how I felt, to tell you all about my life and to make a plan to abandon it. And it was the most wretched thingin the whole wide world. Knowing I was falling for you and that I had to choose, to hurt you or hurt Georgina and my kids. In the end it was a simple numbers game. Hurt one person or hurt three.’
‘A numbers game?’ She could barely get the words out.Ten ... nine ... eight ...‘Well, as a mathematician, it must have been an easy equation for you. You were right when you said that I didn’t know you. What I did know of you was a ruse, a mask, make-believe. And having had a lot of time to think about everything you did and said, I can confidently state that what I know, I do not like.’
‘You loved me!’ he pressed.
‘But it wasn’t real. You can’t love someone if you don’t know them, don’t know all of them.’
‘You knew enough.’ He sniffed again. ‘I told you my truth, as far as I was able.’
‘Ah, yes, yourtruth, I remember those chats. And for years I struggled to make out the difference between the truth and your truth and it turns out the difference is that one is a lie. You’re a liar. You lied to me in all you didn’t say.’
‘I honestly told you my thoughts, my voice, my feelings in the moment. That was all real ...’
‘Maybe.’
‘I bought you a copy ofGrimms’ Fairy Tales, because I remembered that you’d told me about a previous boyfriend called Rumpelstiltskin.’ She hated the flicker of joy in her chest at being reminded of that moment. ‘I wanted to send it to you but didn’t know what to write in it, wasn’t sure how to—’
‘I have to go,’ she interjected, looking across the street to where Glenda waited to cross. It spurred her to end the call. ‘You were right about one thing; you are winter, a cold, bleak blanket of darkness that covers all things bright and colourful. For the longest time I struggled under that blanket, could barely take a breath. But not any more. Don’t call me again, Wilkie, not ever.’
She put the phone back in the cradle and found a smile as her friend walked through the door, two brown paper lunch bags in her hands.
‘Well, all set for tomorrow. They’ll deliver the canapés about five thirty and all we have to do is whip off the clingfilm at the last minute.’ Glenda looked at her. ‘You all right, Lil?’
‘Yes. Just got off the phone with Wilkie.’
‘Wilkie? You’re kidding me!’
‘Nope.’ It was then she cried in earnest, great, gulping tears that tasted a lot like relief. It was done, it was done. No more loose ends, no more wondering.
‘Do you want me to get Norm to beat him up?’
This made her tears turn to laughter, partly at the thought of Norm beating anyone up and that this was Glenda’s first and best suggestion.
‘I don’t think that’s necessary, not now. A lot of water has flowed under a lot of bridges.’ She stole his phrase.
‘Is he still a knob?’ Glenda made her way to the kitchenette and filled the kettle, knowing it was time for a tea.
‘Yep.’ Lilly wiped her eyes, took a breath, and restored her earring. ‘Still a knob.’
Present day
Lilly hoped that everyone had received the messages she’d sent and that they were going to arrive promptly. It felt easier to say it to the group rather than repeat her plans to individuals over and over, less galling, less emotionally draining. She glanced at her watch: plenty of time.
‘Lilly?’
‘Yes, Apollo?’
She braced herself; the questions he liked to throw at her on their morning walk to school were as random as they were varied. It could be anything from something dinosaur-related to how many frogs were there in the world, which she could only answer with:a lot!
‘Are you my nan?’
‘Oh!’ It was one of those questions that had the power to floor her. Something that curiously hadn’t properly occurred to her until middle age, that without becoming a mother, she was also denied a shot at being a granny. In some ways, this caused her more distress. She hadn’t backed herself to be a mother, even if, mechanically, it had been possible, largely on account of the fact that she hadn’t had her own mum around for long enough to learn from, but grannyhood? It seemed to come with more of the fun and less ofthe responsibility, and was something she felt she could have picked up quite easily!
‘I am not, but maybe we should find out what it is that nans do, and I would quite happily do those things, if it’s okay with Mummy for me to assume some of those responsibilities!’ This she trotted out, ignoring the stab in her heart at the prospect of losing out when he and Clodagh moved away, another thought that almost floored her.
‘’Kay.’ Apollo stared at her as if without the first clue what she was talking about. ‘Can you take my—’
